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 Posted: Thu Sep 29, 2005 1:56 pm
Im so sorry, but Im losing my mind, and I really need your input and advise about this horrible bullshit:
[i hope that that is ok...]
For a long time now, my boyfriend and I have been fighting on and off.. Strangely the other night, he asked me to go hang out with my friends, which he doesnt usually agree with, because alot of them are guys ..well after my class, I went to the coffehouse and saw my friend Kris, and he wanted me to hang out with him and his girlfriend Laurel for the night. Thinking it was ok, I agreed.
I ended up falling asleep at their house, and they woke me up at 3 am and took me home, where I found messages on my machine [i kinda dreaded going home, because i knew hed prolly be pissed, but he wanted me to have friends, right?]
So I come home to this email:
[hey - its 12, your not at home, and your not online; your partying?
where are you? why didnt you tell me you were going somewhere? did you find out today? an email could be nice, so im not up all night ******** trying to get a hold of your a**. but whatever, have a ******** blast, im out]
Well, he ends up calling me and drilling me, and I finally said "you know; what should matter to you, is that I worried about your reaction, and that I still love you, even though you call me horrible names and then get angry when I repeat them.. " It only made him more angry.
Well, so after my brain started working again, I told him what happened, and he had the nerve to ask me if Im a threesome with Kris and Laurel, and that I foreplay with them and everything.. Its like hey; p***k; I dont cheat, I dont believe in it, I think its the worst thing a girl could put a guy through... are you even listening to me??
I feel very wronged, as if he just cares about the information given to him, instead of my feelings as the outcome.
He had this to say after we hung up last night:
[yea thats ******** FUNNY, you think im the a*****e? did i tell my boyfriend off and lie to him so i can go party with my friends? no you did. and now your getting on my case because the phone died after i told you im looking battery and reception, your SOO ******** LUCKY i give a ******** to talk to you; even at 4-5 am in the ******** morning you c**t. wake up. im all you have. treat me nicely and you'll find things getting better. dont ever ******** swear at me again. dont ever ******** lie to me again, or i'll ******** find out who you'be been hanging out with and i'll beat the living ******** out of them. so ******** inconsiderate, why am i even with you still trying.....your hopeless]
I wrote in response [but havent sent yet, id like advise first]
[i didnt go party, and if you didnt get that through, then I doubt Anything else did.
im lucky? yea, it shows that you still even care ..ugh
No, paul.. you love thinking that im so dependent. Wake Up.. who do you run to when things get sour for you, where do you go and get off talking to me like this? Im all youve got besides school and games... and yes, at least I have those too. Knowing this, Id think you would be a bit more loving and supportive, but somehow i cant feel it.
Treat you nicely? Ive been wanting to make things work for ******** ever; you keep doubting me putting stupid scenarios in your head, and you dont even listen to what matters. Ive been trying to tell you Anything that would make our situation easier for the both of us, [not JUST ME] but you dont hear that either.
I swore? Uh.. you called me a ******** b***h, you said ******** off, you said ******** you... and everytime something stupid like this happens thats how it is; paul swears and yells and expects to be treated like he has been nice all along... ok.
It wasnt a lie, paul. i told you what happened, and you still got off to tell me what "really happened" like im some lying ho, like i need you to remind me that i cheated on you, when i just Told you and explained over the three damn years of our relations that I DONT.
Im sorry you have to see everything in its worst possible light, and Im sorry you arent happy that I finally got to hang out with some friends.. like youve been oddly begging me to do recently... and now.. youre pissed?? I dont get mad when you hang out with your friends.. and you always find out everything you want to know... so why freak at me at 4 am and display your most faithless behaviour? No faith in me.
You push me farther away than we already are just to squeeze information out of me... imformation that you know, or dont know and Should know, isnt hurtful or destructive to you.
I told you ill be on at 7, if you even get this before, ill make it friggin 6:30. just be ******** glad that Im here for you to hate at all.]
Advise on:
What to do about this
What to say tonight
Whether to send it or not
What the hell else can i say
Can I go crawl away and die soon please...U_U [sigh]
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Posted: Thu Sep 29, 2005 2:22 pm
Break up with him. This guy's an a*****e. Nobody deserves to be treated like that, talked to like that, or called those names. I don't care how long the two of you have been together, you deserve BETTER than that. Mind games and infantile behavior aren't worth ANYONE'S time. There's millions of other guys out there who I'm sure would love your attention and affection; it's apparent that this guy obviously doesn't appreciate it.
It sounds as if this guy has horribly low self-esteem or some kind of mental disorder or disease; I can't think of any other reason why a guy would treat his girlfriend so poorly. Obviously after all this time, his behavior hasn't stopped or changed, so why would you expect it to? The only thing to remedy the situation is to dump him and find someone that will treat you with the respect you deserve. Don't stay with this guy... please. Your story reminds me of my friend's mother... she thought for years that eventually he would change, that he would turn into a kind, loving, considerate guy... but then they married, had kids, and his abusive behavior turned onto the children as well, leaving them bruised, battered, and scarred for life. Now the mother is a recovering alcoholic living with a friend; the oldest daughter is an ex-porn star, now stripper, with aids; the one who is my friend is now 19 and pregnant with her third child. I know for a fact that they only turned out this way because of her father's attitude, treatment and abuse of women.
I don't want to sound like a sexist pig (I can assure you I'm not trying to come off that way), but guys with this sort of mentality and treatment towards women never end up doing good for the world.
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Posted: Thu Sep 29, 2005 3:35 pm
I didn't even read it all, but as far as I've read, I'm going to have to agree with Reivena. NO ONE has the right to treat you like that. You explained yourself and he should be thankful that you're safe. I can, however understand that he was worried about you cheating, but he needs to take your word that you were not and trust you. What kind of a relationship doesn't have trust? Not a very good one. I say tell him what he did wrong and call it off. You don't need to be putting yourself through this anymore. I know you care about him, but your happiness isn't worth sacrificing.
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Posted: Thu Sep 29, 2005 3:44 pm
All I can say is:
What a ******** jackass.
Dump him. You shouldn't have to deal with his s**t. He can't tell you where to go, when to go, and whom to go with. You need freedom, and he needs to either suck it up or break up.
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Posted: Thu Sep 29, 2005 4:39 pm
I agree (again) with Reivena. Primarily because I too agree that people shouldn't stay in abuse relationships like that (and yes, it's abusive), but also because his behavior isn't mature enough to handle any sort of relationship. It's really better for both of you if you run fast, and run far.
Okay, so to help you specifically with your problem (i.e. how to break up with the guy), it's a delicate thing. You don't want to actually hurt the guy, because he could possibly turn on you, and you don't want to pussyfoot around the subject, as to leave him thinking that you'll just get back together tomorrow. If you're on IM or whatever (email), I would construct my conversation like'a this'a:
Paul-- It's greatly concerning me that you feel like it's your place to tell me what to do, who I can hang out with, and even how I should treat you. I am my own person, and right now, our relationship needs to end. Relationships are a two way street, and verbally smashing me thinking that it will make me realize something isn't working, and it will never work. It's best for the both of us if we just go our separate ways at this point. I've never appreciated the swearing and how you belittle me. Take this in and hopefully you don't treat the next person that you're with like how you treated me. I would appreciate it if you didn't have any contact with me for a long while. Sincerely, (insert name here).
If you want to delve into why he acts like this, it's all in his own insecurities. See, when people are insecure about love or themselves, they often react in two ways: either apologizing for every little thing and believing that if they screw up, the other person won't love them anymore, oooooooorr, trying to control the other person to the point that they feel like they can influence the person to love them or stay with them. In this case, Paul falls into the latter type, as he's been trying to control you through verbal abuse and harming your self-esteem into staying with him (take a look at that "you have no one else but me" comment). He's not a healthy guy mentally, and until he overcomes that basic insecurity, he'll continue to treat you and others poorly. If I had to guess, Paul must have experienced some sort of emotional trauma in the past where he lost a love one rather suddenly, whether it was a parent by death or divorce, sibiling, or friend. It's the classic mindset of "if I own them, I'll always have them."
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Posted: Thu Sep 29, 2005 6:14 pm
yeah me and my ex. were like that.. the best thing to do..even though it may hurt is break up with him.. you don't need all that stress in your life. I found out after a two year relationship with my ex. that it isn't worth it if all there is is pain.. and plus sometimes the best thing to do if you truly love someone is to leave them for the right reasons.. and all those name callings.. that's emotional abuse.. my ex was like that with me... it's not right you have to get out of it.. and it will hurt for like a month.. but you need to break up with him and move on... there is someone else out there better for you.. I live with that hope everyday.. and yes i loved my ex to death and honestly i still do.. but i know that he was never really good to me and i didnt' deserve what he did to me. so i had to leave him or else i would of probably hurt myself.
it's really all up to you just follow your intuition. Follow what you feel is right. it's the best you can do.
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Posted: Thu Sep 29, 2005 9:15 pm
I am grateful for all your information; Is it ok to ask if I can leave this thread up for awhile while I go through some of the trauma? redface --Im really afraid, and Ill be as open and true about it as I can.. I am afraid to be alone.
There was a thread open recently ...about loneliness and being alone; I cant do it anymore.
Aghk. Sorry for babbling.. >_<
Anyway, what I am really trying to say for tonight is;
I love all you guys! Thank you for hearing me out, and thank you for taking the time and energy to respond to my crisis.
I'll keep you updated....
heart
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Posted: Sun Oct 02, 2005 9:01 pm
Breaking up with him is a good solution, at least it looks that way for us, but we're not in your situation, so, think about it, take some time, and think of the outcome of breaking up with him, yes, that (To me.) is a good solution. But, what would he do, to me he sounds like the abusive type, if you decide to break up with him, alert people, alert your friends what he might do, and possibly get a restraining order, I'm sure if you wanted to break up with him you would wish to do that as soon as possible, but really, he sounds like he may kill. And you know what, he may even have a horrible past, maybe he was brought up like that and just needs someone to be with, but he does'nt know how to deal with another person, so he thinks by enforcing fear that he'll scare you into staying with him, I really have no clue as to what you should do. You must consider the situation, weigh the outcomes, and decide what is best for everyone as a whole, you, friends, him, the ones involved in general, it may not be the best solution for you, but if it even slightly helps him, things may not be as bad.
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Posted: Mon Oct 03, 2005 4:58 am
I have had boyfriends like him in the past. I was with one for two years . . . It sometimes doesn;t matter what you say or do, people like him will not listen. It's weird, I was in the exact same situation as you. He would tell me he hated my friends and not to be with them. Then he would complain that I'm too clingy to him when he is all I have. He would tell me to find friends, but only female friends. I would and he would accuse me of talking s**t about him all the time behind his back or meeting up with other guys and even cheating on him. The main reason he was so psycho with me was becuase he was the one cheating . . .
I'm not saying that is what is happening to you for sure. it may be a possibility. When people do something they know for a fact is wrong, they try to project it on to others to take the main focus and blame off of themselves. If they do get caught, they can still keep up with the act and say things like "I only cheated becuase you did!", even though you never cheated and they have been. By "cheating", I mean anything you personally consider cheating.
Honestly, I don't see it getting better. You need a break from him to reaffirm yourself and make yourself stronger. I prefer a break-up, but you may just want to try taking a break and see what happens. I can almost 100% garuntee(sp?) you that he will try to keep you in his life, no matter how he does it. He uses you as a venting tool for himself. On the other hand, he has so warped his preception of you, that he may actually believe it. My first ex did that. He would lie so much, even to himself, that he started believeing his own lies as fact.
If you haven't sent that letter yet (it sounded like you didn't), I would re-word it. Still keep your main points in there, but take out the cussing. Try to take the high and apprently calm road. Try to come across as serious and calm, no matter how you really feel. Why? It would show you are the mature one. That's the beauty of writing e-mails and even im/pm's: you can take the time to re-word and re-write what you want to say (and correct spelling errors as I am doing, lol).
It's 7am and I have too much to say on this topic. Please, feel free to pm me. Bottom line though: I don't see it gettin gbetter. You should try a break from him and get yourself settled and straight and see how he reacts and see what happens. It is hard, but you need to prepare yourself for anything. You need to be strong for yourself and maybe even put your foot down on ertain things (including a final break-up if it comes to it). If he can;t trust you or even give you the benifit of a doubt, then this relationship will not last and will only get worse. You have been with him for three years, you know him better than we do. Judge for yourself based on how you know him as to how you think this will go on.
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Posted: Tue Oct 04, 2005 7:43 am
My freind Josie was going through a simaler problem. But I got her out of it. She needed the courage and support of her freinds. She wsa afraid to break up with him becouse he threatened to kill himself. And he threatened to kill me becouse I wsa her best freind and he was convinced she was cheeting with me ( I wouldent by the way I had a gf of my own at this point). We later found out he was cheeting with her. But yeah thoes are never good. You should get aout as soon as you can. You deserve better than him. If he treats you like that you shouldent have to put up with it. And contrary to popular belleife there is more thatn one person you can fall in love wiht. You will find someone who will treat you better.
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Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2005 7:58 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 4:19 pm
"your SOO ******** LUCKY i give a ******** to talk to you; even at 4-5 am in the ******** morning you c**t. wake up. im all you have. treat me nicely and you'll find things getting better. dont ever ******** swear at me again. dont ever ******** lie to me again, or i'll ******** find out who you'be been hanging out with and i'll beat the living ******** out of them. so ******** inconsiderate, why am i even with you still trying.....your hopeless"
That right there. That is the reason why you should probably never go out with him or even be around him. Sure, everyone screws up every once in a while and maybe in turn is given a second chance but usually with something like that the person has a lot of problems and insecurities with themselves and usually a few fetishes that aren't exactly positive.
For one, he is blaming everything on you it seems like. "You're so ******** lucky" and everything. That it's such a crime for you to be talk to him or that he's so much higher on the pedastool. That leads to the intention that he has a big ego and that's probably not someone that you want to deal with.
He's obviously demanding and you can see it clearly right here: "Treat me nicely or else" That leads to a lot of bad things and one of the main things, which isn't so obvious for some people is that they usually are demanding still. For example, in another year they're going to be demanding. Well, you would think it'd just be a duh but sometimes it's not and all they do is become more demanding and in time become more controlling. That can really do something to your self-worth under-the-surface. Meaning, you won't notice it.
And, along with all of that he's guilting you into thinking that you're a bad person and making himself look like king of morals and how to deal with situations. That, can and almost always is the number one reason I see that people stay in a relationship. They're guilted into a relationship and they feel obligated to stay. That's not how a relationship should (unless you want it that way) be. A relationship shouldn't be an obligation in the sense of it being a job (no I'm talking about stress if you're one of the people who's going to quote this saying "It is an obligation"). It should be something that you want to do.
Personally, with what his actions were in the past and his actions just in that quote makes me think you should never date him and you should probably drop him out of your life. Why tolerate someone who can be so disgusting to you? I mean, I'm not a professional or anything but I would have to say the top two signs for an abuse relationship is control and guilt.
You don't have to do that though. It doesn't seem like you are either, which is fine. I definitely would advise leaving the relationship. He, obviously, has some issues to deal with in his life and it seems like the worst one is relationships with people in the sense that he has to treat people better that he knows.
Knowing all this information now I still think you should start at least hanging with him a lot less if he doesn't treat you better. I would advise not having any kind of sexual relationship with him though because it really doesn't seem like he deserves it.
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Posted: Sat Oct 08, 2005 12:42 pm
ButterBalls "your SOO ******** LUCKY i give a ******** to talk to you; even at 4-5 am in the ******** morning you c**t. wake up. im all you have. treat me nicely and you'll find things getting better. dont ever ******** swear at me again. dont ever ******** lie to me again, or i'll ******** find out who you'be been hanging out with and i'll beat the living ******** out of them. so ******** inconsiderate, why am i even with you still trying.....your hopeless"
That right there. That is the reason why you should probably never go out with him or even be around him. Sure, everyone screws up every once in a while and maybe in turn is given a second chance but usually with something like that the person has a lot of problems and insecurities with themselves and usually a few fetishes that aren't exactly positive.
For one, he is blaming everything on you it seems like. "You're so ******** lucky" and everything. That it's such a crime for you to be talk to him or that he's so much higher on the pedastool. That leads to the intention that he has a big ego and that's probably not someone that you want to deal with.
He's obviously demanding and you can see it clearly right here: "Treat me nicely or else" That leads to a lot of bad things and one of the main things, which isn't so obvious for some people is that they usually are demanding still. For example, in another year they're going to be demanding. Well, you would think it'd just be a duh but sometimes it's not and all they do is become more demanding and in time become more controlling. That can really do something to your self-worth under-the-surface. Meaning, you won't notice it.
And, along with all of that he's guilting you into thinking that you're a bad person and making himself look like king of morals and how to deal with situations. That, can and almost always is the number one reason I see that people stay in a relationship. They're guilted into a relationship and they feel obligated to stay. That's not how a relationship should (unless you want it that way) be. A relationship shouldn't be an obligation in the sense of it being a job (no I'm talking about stress if you're one of the people who's going to quote this saying "It is an obligation"). It should be something that you want to do.
Personally, with what his actions were in the past and his actions just in that quote makes me think you should never date him and you should probably drop him out of your life. Why tolerate someone who can be so disgusting to you? I mean, I'm not a professional or anything but I would have to say the top two signs for an abuse relationship is control and guilt.
You don't have to do that though. It doesn't seem like you are either, which is fine. I definitely would advise leaving the relationship. He, obviously, has some issues to deal with in his life and it seems like the worst one is relationships with people in the sense that he has to treat people better that he knows.
Knowing all this information now I still think you should start at least hanging with him a lot less if he doesn't treat you better. I would advise not having any kind of sexual relationship with him though because it really doesn't seem like he deserves it.
Well, it is basically like this;
We live 3 hours away, we both [currently] dont have any transportation, which Im a fool for.. I basically traded my car for time with him without even realizing it. Funny how love can make you so ******** dumb and blind.. but the point of that was, we cant see eachother much, if at all.
Im happy to be able to spend time with friends again, and be able to feel like Im free. Its amazing how incredibly supressed a relationship made me feel, its as if I had this awful parent who pulled and pushed and told me what to do, and now I dont anymore.. surprised Do you guys know what I mean? Have you ever felt like you have been both deserted, but liberated?
sigh..
Ive been having some bad days, and last night I realized just how much we are not together, and I guess that is why I blurted all the previous information.
I'm both happy, but racked with this awful loneliness.. How can one get back on their feet after something you have basically made a physical part of you is no longer there?
[no, not in the sense that I neeeed him or waaant him, needy and whiny are something I pride in not having, its just that I did not realize how much influence, etc he had in my life as I grew up to where I am now.. Its confusing...]
What do you guys think?
heart
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Posted: Sat Oct 08, 2005 2:51 pm
Not to be a nuisance, but I really dont get why this conversation happened the way it had to happen:
helloooo?
hi
whats up..
nothing.
whatd you do all night
play wow
what did you do all night
drew n looked for art ..wrote you
whooo
...
sounds just as aslow and boring as my night
you werent around
so sorry
Im ok with it...
....okay? thats good to hear.
Ive always been fine with how you spend your time
Its yours
lol ******** that omg thats funny
wtf paul
you're fine because idont do s**t to hurt you EVER, so you truely had nothing to fear. you on the other hand were tottally precautious about WHO i was with WHERE i was, WHAT i was doing
cant' drink', cant' be around girls', cant go to partties'
If we're laughing at things, I reserve now to laugh at you too
um...whats your fukin deal
if you feel the need to fling dirt at my face, then dont talk to me
i dont need to be insulted
ugh ******** it im an unsult
sorry, i mean, i just wanted to know whats ******** this
[hangs up on me]
...Okay.. now what the hell was THAT all about, huh?
I remember I went to a party once, and he got really a**l at me about it after I called him at it, and he ended up doing a lot of horrible things to me and himself over it. I'd never been so badly scared in my whole life. Basically, he does that same scenario [as you read in the first post] and I used to, but Ive realized that its pointless, so I have been really calm about his friends, and drinking, and all that, but he just sees me as this raving b***h, when its sad that he cant realize that Im different.
What the heck do I do now?? What can I say to make him realize how rediculous this is and how hypocritical the whole issue is?? Im so confused!!!!
*Im sorry to post so much, but Im really losing my mind, and its so hard to keep calm after so many mental games and all this *growl* stuff... so sorry. U_U
crying
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Posted: Sat Oct 08, 2005 11:20 pm
Mavole [You scared me; I thought that first line was your address to my issue..O_O; Well, it is basically like this; We live 3 hours away, we both [currently] dont have any transportation, which Im a fool for.. I basically traded my car for time with him without even realizing it. Funny how love can make you so ******** dumb and blind.. but the point of that was, we cant see eachother much, if at all. Im happy to be able to spend time with friends again, and be able to feel like Im free. Its amazing how incredibly supressed a relationship made me feel, its as if I had this awful parent who pulled and pushed and told me what to do, and now I dont anymore.. surprised Do you guys know what I mean? Have you ever felt like you have been both deserted, but liberated? sigh.. Ive been having some bad days, and last night I realized just how much we are not together, and I guess that is why I blurted all the previous information. I'm both happy, but racked with this awful loneliness.. How can one get back on their feet after something you have basically made a physical part of you is no longer there? [no, not in the sense that I neeeed him or waaant him, needy and whiny are something I pride in not having, its just that I did not realize how much influence, etc he had in my life as I grew up to where I am now.. Its confusing...] What do you guys think? heart
Yes, I know how you feel exactly and I'm sure a lot of other people know what you're feeling. I think the feeling that you're getting right now is telling you that the relationship just wasn't for you. If you feel better being single than you do with someone it sounds like you shouldn't be with someone. Not saying that you shouldn't ever be with someone, just making a general statement. I know what you mean though and without going into too much detail I didn't like being in it at the end and felt a whole new sense to live. Freedom, liberty, and other things. Can say what I want, do what I want, don't always have to compromise with other people, and other stuff. Not saying that I'm totally against having a partner, but thtat partnership was really something else.
I know what you mean about the deserted part too. I think it's more of that you just lost someone in your life that you are accustomed to seeing and reacting with. That happens with everything really. If you go on the internet every day for three years you're going to miss it, most likely, when you just all of a sudden leave it.
The biggest thing is really finding something to do with your life or something to replace that person in. Not in the sense that you have to find someone else to replace him or else but just find something to do that will take place for when you would, for example, spend time with him. Just try and find something that will occupy your time now.
I think the best thing for you to do and is usually recommended is wait a certain amount of time before you go out with the next person. The recommendation is six months but it really differs with each person. The basic philosophy behind that is you're trying to give yourself time to get over the person you just went out with and it's supposed to make it to where you're not as proned to go out with the same type of person. I think it also teaches you how to become more of an individual and teaches you how to be single again and be ok with just being by yourself.
Venting always helps if you want to do that. It seems like you already know what I'm talking about. Listening to music, finding a hobby, finding something that you like to do.
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