Welcome to Gaia! ::

Okay, my name is Sagara, I'm a girl, and this is my first post on this site.
I have no clue, really. I'm faaaaiiirly new to questioning my orientation, and all my thoughts are rolling around in my head like the Pinball Wizard is banging on my temples or something. Not to use a lame meatphor or anything.... sweatdrop .
There are three things I know I'm not: straight, pure lesbian, and transgender.
Gay couples are cute and exciting, lesbian are an acquired taste for me, but still nice, and straight seems......boring?
Okay, so I have pretty much always been a..."rainbow lifestyler" in that I was always attracted to gay culture. I went to a gay pride parade and loved it even before I was really questioning at all.

I've never had a real heart-stopping, pulse-quickening, nerve-racking crush on a girl, but I have flirted with them quite a bit. I've crushed on a few guys, and I've had one boyfriend, but I never liked masculine people of either gender. For me butchy or bulky and macho=gross. I love girly guys. I'm a total f** hag, if I may say so, and I really wish I had more gay guys for friends, they are AWESOME!!! Here's the thing: I keep contradicting myself. When I am trying to figure myself out, I'll sometimes look at.......porn or something, but not like triple x, I have a... redface ...lingerie and swimsuit site that I like. I don't particularly like huge boobs, but I often get off on just browsing the pictures of scantily clad women, and I wish that I could just reach through the screen and pull the little strips of fabric aside, so I could see, and when I read their erotica stories, the ones I look for are lesbian, and when I found one, it became my favorite, the one that worked the best out of all of them. That's not to say I don't like guys at all. Guys are sexy, but straight porn and just single guys in little outfits kind of bore me, though. Guy on guy is better, though. Twinks. Go figure. Girls are just...more interesting to look at? I don't know if I've never had a crush on a girl becuase I haven't met the right one, but when it comes to personality in a girl to date, I have no idea what I'd want. I know what I like in guys...uh....thin, girly figure, and gentlemanly behavior, but not masculine. "Gentlemanly" could be easily done by a girl, so it's kind of a not good term. I'm sorry if this is a little rambly, but bear with me please, I'll try to clean it up.. sweatdrop It almost seems like I'm attracted more to guys' faces and romantically, but girls socially and sexually. Eeeks! gonk This sucks.

But what I'm worried about most of all is whether or not I'm naturally bi (or whatever) or if I'm making it that way. Pressuring myself to like girls or something. Leaveno Dapple said something very clever in one post I read. (sorry if this is off, I'm not quoting you) Love and Sexuality is like a cat: It'll come to you when it wants to. You shouldn't push it away or try to catch it, and I guess I'm worried that I am. Otherwise, it might be easier to just not worry about it and date who I like and like who I date and be proud of myself, like I want to be.

Thank you, I appreciate anyone who actully made it the whole way through that mess alive, and please feel free to comment. I'm really hideously sorry about the weird order and rambling effect... sweatdrop And anyone can pm me if you'd like to be friends, I'd love to chat. heart

Yeah, I know, I kind of wrote that when I was really stressing about it. I do try to not worry about it so much, but I also don't really have a whole lot of people to talk to about it; I'm not truly out yet, only to like....one or two friends. But yes, I'm not usually this much of a whack job. sweatdrop And it's funny that you say that it sounds like a gay man.....heh...I think that sometimes. But thanks for posting, and regard me kindly, I'm not as weird as the post lets on. 3nodding