Welcome to Gaia! ::

This is going to be a lot of information, okay? So get your minds on a tangent-less mode for a while and help me out. Please.

Alright. So I'm in two different PE classes this year (I need the credits to graduate). I haven't dressed out since middle-school, and even then, I dressed out in the back room.

I'm out. Way out. It's normally no big deal, but I've recently discovered my own personal hell. The locker room. It's one huge smelly, un-air-conditioned room filled with beautiful, half-naked, ultra-homophobic guys. My solution? Dress as quickly as possible. Look only at my feet. Think of bad, disgusting things, and not about all the cute butts bobbing around me. Then, get the hell out.

It's been a rough few weeks, emotionally and physically. Grandpa was diagnosed with cancer, again. He started chemotherapy yesterday. Senior Night is tonight. College Applications and the SAT. I'm not really getting a lot of sleep. My whole body aches from having two PE classes. Personal Fitness in the morning, Weight Training before lunch. Ugh.

But despite all this, I've earned some friends. It must be my sparkling personality or something, 'cause we don't talk intellectually, and I seriously suck at running and lifting. rolleyes

However, I think all that's just changed, today.

You see, I was in the locker room dressing back into my normal school clothes (today I was wearing this ultra cute green and brown ensemble), and I was just having some conversation with a certain boy, we'll call him...David, let's say, and David said something along the lines of "I'm so getting laid this weekend. What about you?"

"Umm.... No." I replied, with some hesitation. For the sake of conversation, I asked, "David? How do you work your gluts?" I'm still new to the whole Weight Training thing, after all, so it was an honest enough question. (Not to say that his butt isn't cute--there is a reason why I asked him.)

David: "Your...gluts?"

Another kid: "Your a**, David."

Me: "Uh, yeah, that."

David: "Why would you want to work that?"

Me: "To be a well-rounded person. Oh my god, no pun intended." Of all the times for accidental wit....

David and Kid laugh.

David: "Wait..." a pause "are you straight?"

Me: *gawk* "You mean you don't know?"

David: "Know what?"

Me: "I'm..."

My mind: Lie, damn you, lie like you've never lied before!

Little voice in corner: You know what you've gotta do.

My body: Frozen in indecision.

Me: "...Not straight."

Mind: Damn it. I'm outta here.

Conscience: Content

Body: Frozen in peril.

David: "Oh."

Kid: "Well, I guess he won't be getting laid, huh?"

Awkward laughs all around.

I can't move. I'm staring. I can't believe I just said that.

David: "Um...Bye."

I startle, mutter "Uh-huh, bye!" And run the hell out of there as fast as I can.

So. Morals? Is there ever a time where its okay to lie? Even at the price of your integrity? I mean, I managed to lay low for well over a month. It was going to come out sometime. I never tried to avoid it. Never planned on lying. Never intended to cover things up.

So why do I feel so...low? Like I've done something wrong?

Please...someone say something....

Love and Vale,
-Leavaros Dapple

That's okay. The first repetition, as they say, is still a first.

Well, as a writer, (and my mother would say a chronic hypochondriac,) I know very well how to bend the truth just enough to make it entertaining without being untrue.

That said, I hate lying. A lot. Especially when it could be avoided. Or when it could cause problems. And subtlety is not really...my forte, so to speak.

In a way, I'm glad this has all happened the way it has. David and I haven't spoken since Tuesday, and I'm going to apologize to him tomorrow (as I've found that even undeserved, apologies can be powerful tools, perhaps to lower one's guard or to soften their defenses) that he had to find out the way he did, and that I should have been more upfront with him in the first place, but that I don't know how "locker room etiquette" works, and being so far from my comfort zone (i. e., the bookstore, Gamestop, etc.), and having no friends in the class, that I let my shyness get the best of me.

It's an excuse, perhaps, but it explains my situation while avoiding calling anyone a homophobe, and it's honest. He really is a nice guy. I would hate to lose the possibility of friendship over awkwardness....

So...what do you think?

Love and Vale,
-LD

Well, he didn't turn into a "super b***h" (sorry, I couldn't resist!), but we really haven't talked much. I want to catch him alone and apologize properly, but...I don't think he wants to talk to me.

You know, it's kind of a shame. I feel like we were really starting to become friends, you know? And of course, I know that if he isn't okay with my sexuality, he isn't okay with me. But...a part of me really hopes that all this will blow over, and that we'll be okay again. It makes my heart heavy with conflicting emotions....

I have three quotes stuck in my head. The first two are from the great KareKano or for our more "FUNimated" friends, His and Her Circumstances: "[long list of emotions]...all these things exist behind the door of a classroom" and (when Miyazawa is coming out to her classmates as a real person and not a flawless student, and they give her a really hard time about it, she says): "I guess it can't be helped" (because she knows that she has to be true to herself).

The third is from the ultimate ani/manga of all time, Furuba or Fruits Basket. Remember when Tohru moves back to her grandpa's house and things are awkward between her and the Sohma's? And she says, quietly, simply, "That's it. I guess things won't be the same with me and Yuki and Kyo".

I don't know, Juria. I wish I could figure out what to say to him, that would repair what has been broken. I just feel so...helpless, I suppose. Like a puppet whose strings have been cut. Sad. Pained. Disconnected. Limp.

But not everything has been so depressing. This Friday I went to a friend's house (we'll call him "JD")(to escape my family), and then to another friend's house (he wanted to escape his family, too), where I met a lot of interesting people, albeit freshmen. And a really cute gay guy. Not really my type (I prefer older guys), but totally cute. We came home (to JD's house), and watched Miyazaki's Princess Mononoke (which is absolutely brilliant), and in the morning...well...it was a good morning. *winks all around*

Then Saturday I went out with a friend of mine to lunch, and we talked, caught up a bit, etcetera. Then I had a friend spend the night. That might have been overkill, 'cause I was exhausted today. *sighs* Such is the price for such an exhilarating weekend.

Love and Vale,
-LD

Well...technically, he opened up this can of worms. On me.

Not to say that it's entirely his fault--I chose honesty. And I really am upset that he had to find out that way. I don't think it would be a false apology if I gave it--it would be an apology for the situation without laying blame at anyone's feet.

And actually...things did resolve themselves, more or less. We're talking some again, I avoid looking at his perfect body in the locker room, and he shows it off in the weight room. *sigh* This is so very rote. I wish...I wish that things could go back with just us too, back to the way it had been before he found out.

But I can't have that. No one can.
------
Haha, yeah, gotta love orchestra humor. And, yep, a gay freshman. And I met two others a week or so ago. They just keep popping up. Poor kids. Their going to be put through all nine levels of hell before high schools over, and a different sexuality is just another weight to wear on the way down. *sigh*

A 'good morning' indeed. Let's just say that I didn't eat breakfast. I was already full. And the poor boy--after I was done with him he was so energized that he couldn't fall back asleep.

Hmhmhmhm, well, I can have that effect on people, I suppose.
-----
If I can ask, what is your community like? In South Tampa, where I go to school, the environment is *mostly* gay friendly. It seems like everyone knows/is friends with at least one LGBT person. All the cute preppy girls want to be a faghag. All the hardcore guys want a lesbian buddy to work out with. And every skater/emo/goth wants to have a bi BFF, (for varying reasons, but) because let's face it: friends help each other out.

I mean, I guess I'm pretty lucky. The people who aren't tolerant of the LGBT community get more s**t than we do, and more from the straight population than from us! heart Tee-hee!

Love and Vale,
-LD

Yeah...it's a real shame that things are the way they are, you know? What would the world be like if we could just get over our petty disputes and revel in our differences rather than be disgusted by them. What would the world be like if just once....

Well. I was homophobic too, my freshman year, but...that stopped. Abruptly. Around the time that I figured out that I was gay. *sigh* I guess it used to take a jarring of my universe before I rethought some things....

If I may, I'd suggest trying to repair that old friendship between you and the girl. I've always tried to right old wrongs, and it's served me well in the past.

Yeah, I agree. It is good that kids are feeling increasingly more okay with their sexuality, to the point of being out so early.

I wouldn't expect you to comment on the morning. Though, were you to do so, I wouldn't hide anything--after all, talking about it afterwards is half the fun, right?

Girl, I am so sorry. I thought I had it bad down here in Florida (some days), I couldn't imagine having to go through my life in Texas. Do you guys even have palm trees there? I can't live without my palm trees. It's really no wonder you aren't out yet. I don't think I would be either. It must be a tremendously stressful environment you live in. Do you want to move out when you're eighteen, go somewhere far, far away?

Hehe, yeah, we have to repeat ourselves down here quite a bit, too. And, yeah, we have our little groups of anti-gays, too. Not our stoners, though. They're pretty cool, actually, aside from the smoking. (I hate the smell of pot.) And yeah, we have those specified people, too. Less than when I was younger, though. Thankfully.

Well, gay-bashing aside, it sounds like you've cultivated a nice little niche of LGBT friends and family. Which is good. But don't forget to make friends with people who share other interests as well--for me, it's a constant battle not to become completely centered on my sexuality. I'm me first. Then I'm gay. And a writer.

Love and Vale,
-LD

Oh my god, that's wonderful! I would vote him in as prom queen, pun intended.

Umm.Interestingly enough, most people can't meet my eyes. Odd, yeah? I think personally that they are disturbed by the terrible knowledge there, the burdensome wisdom, the grievous strength, but...perhaps it's only passion and openness that drive others from my vision. Certainly I would not put it past thought.

Yeah, things are gradually growing less awkward, one day at a time. I suppose that's all anyone can really ask for, and expect. *sigh* I just wish it would go quicker, you know?

On another note, I used to be very arrogant. Every once in a while, it comes out again. Don't write us off just because we aren't easy to understand, Miss Juria--many of the strongest, smartest, wisest people I know have a bad tendency towards arrogance.

And...I think we all have certain...times in our lives when we go a little crazy. I know that I refuse to use the word 'hate' now, also. That in itself is a wonderful thing. But I've gone a step farther--I try to use 'love' in true terms. Terms that sometimes make people uncomfortable. But there it is. I've even been playfully teased by friends as being a 'love freak'. I suppose I am--just read my journal.

Uh, well, I don't really care. For me and my friends, talking about our dates is simply a matter of course. I would never want to make you feel awkward, Miss Juria.

And...I think I do understand the connection to your home you have, because I have that for my home. There are a hell-of-a-lot of things I'd change, had I the power to do so, but it's still home. I can't imagine living anywhere else. And I don't really want to--this is where I belong.

About your sexuality, that's really between you and yourself. But...one day it just kind of crept up on me. I was lying on my bed, quiet, breathing softly in the darkness, and I said it, the admittance of what I then considered a dark sin: "I'm gay." It filled the room, with an eerie quiet, a deep silence of spirit and mind and body, and I knew, irrevocably, unchangeably, that that was what I was. No confusion, no nightmarish quarrels of self, no ambivalence, no fighting it. I'm gay. And that's that.

I felt this...this power flow through me, this strength that I never knew I had consumed me. I was gay! I had admitted it, and I felt a flush of future pain and sorrow and hardship, but also a strange pride that I was me and that no one and nothing could change that, save by my leave. I was in control, at least, of accepting myself.

Things got a lot easier from there. Writing prospered, words flowed from my pen like water from an undammed lake, my music became stronger, even my body showed signs of health I never expected--natural highlights in my hair, and shiny hair, and evener skin, and a glow that defies all blemishes. Not because I'm gay. Because I accepted what I am. And I could focus on who I was becoming.

In a way, it's a revelation. One that most straight people--even most bisexuals--never truly come to. There is an inner peace to letting you be you without condition. I think it's something everyone come to in their own way, and more times than not, it has nothing at all to do with sexuality. Spirituality, religion, political belief, acceptance of a rejected truth--these are all similar and dissimilar revelations that we have. Innovation, my dear, is a wonderful thing.

Was that off-topic...? Oh, I remember: you just have to find what fits you, or let you be you. I was lucky enough to find both, and relatively early, I'd say. After all--no one should let their sexuality dominate their existence.

Love and Vale,
-LD

Cute story! Real funny.

Okay, where to start....

It has been a while since last we spoke, Juria. In the time we've been apart, grandpa's cancer has spread to his bones, and we found out that he has about 12-18 months to live, give or take a few. SO. MUCH. DRAMA. Yikes.

In other events, school's going pretty well, with the exception of a certain other boy, one Steven, by name, who I still think plays for my team (and ironically, he's in my PE class). Complications are sure to arise as tension mounts. Things are going a little better with David, but not much. We say hi, occasionally make small talk, but that's it. Maybe things will get easier with time. Who's to say? Henson (Latin teacher/god) was proven right Friday when the school had a brownout (partial blackout) and people were signing out in mass: when I needed to be strong and forceful, I was. And I liked it. A lot. And he was right about working out, too--I'm starting to feel better. And I'm starting to look better, too. Even as intelligent and insightful, hell, even foresightful as I am, being fit--being pretty--is an entirely foreign concept to me.

Tangent #1: On Beauty

You know, I never expected it. I'm pretty smart. My vocabulary rivals Webster's Dictionary, and my word choices are nothing short of excellence. I have *some* musical ability, and consider myself pretty well-versed when it comes to music, as the only things I refuse to listen to are country and rap, no matter what the lyrics are about. I've studied religion and philosophy, the human heart and mind, the inner workings of society and biology, science and faith, even certain mathematical theorems. I've written poems that have made grown men weep, written characters out that people have sworn are more real than their own siblings (does it count of I said it?), given advice that has saved relationships and lent a shoulder to cry on. I consider myself to be an increasingly kinder person, and certainly I'm not getting any meaner, I'm strong (both of head and of spirit, pun intended), and there's a definite honesty to me, an openness that is in itself opening. Like a golden thread.

But even with all of my gifts and blessings, my talents and skills, I can't think of myself--can't even believe in the possibility of me being--handsome, or beautiful, or even pretty.

I am like sturdy Hephaestus, in no regards beautiful, yet strong of heart and mind, creating beauty for others to bear, that will live on for me. But I will never be beautiful Venus with all of her wiles and grace, I will never be Ares or Apollo, strong of body and sweet of voice. Perhaps I can be like Hera, powerful if not beautiful, strong if not sweet; or like Athena, wise and crafty and talented, if not a rival to Venus' looks. But most likely I will be poor Tiresias, the blind prophet doomed to walk the world forever (or at least old Greek stories), or damned Cassandra, the prophetess blessed with true visions and cursed with others' disbelief.

Even the possibility of beauty, you see, runs counter to the foundations of my life.

End of Tangent #1

Yeah, you and this girl rooming could present problems. I could see why you would look at her shoulder, but...on the other hand, do you think you could be hurting her feelings? Maybe she wants to be your friend, or wants to get to know you. Maybe there's something more. The way I see it, the more you have trouble meeting someone's eyes, the more you need to meet them, and to get to know them. It's one of the most humanizing elements I know, meeting someone's eyes openly. There's something raw and earthy, and yet somehow...more divine, in an exchanged look than in any number of sideways glances.

Tangent #2: On Love, Mostly:

Well, it's good you don't use hate as often. I try not to wish death upon people, but I remain adamant that certain individuals--myself included--should not breed. Some people just have poor genes, others don't have parenting skills, or the strength (and/or) wisdom to raise a child. I don't have good genes, or patience. The first is because of long-term genetic imprinting (going back generations upon generations), the second by my very nature.

Now love, on the other hand, is something that needs to be spread around. Sure, some people won't respect you, some refuse love, but in the words of Natasha Bedingfield, "The more seeds you plant/ The more flowers will grow/ So pick up the love/ Till it overflows.". That's kind of my way of doing things--I aim for kindness and respect and admiration. I try to avoid unnecessary fights and looking like a sycophant (in all cases except with Henson and Christene, and read the journal for more details).

Remember, love isn't necessarily romantic. I love my parents and grandparents adn even my little brother, though we get into fights all the time. I love them because we've been through too much not to love one another.

I love my friends in another way, in a clean way, without lust or the complications of family. I love the simpleness of being with them, and the complexity of some of our conversations. I love lunch with them together, and books and coffee with them individually. I love having parties with them, where all of my friends can meet one another, and forget cliques, if only for a night.

I love my teachers and my mentors in another way, in a half-worshipful way. No lust, no walls, just respect and pride and admiration, and you know what? It almost always comes back in that wonderful sharing of hearts, that eye-meeting. I enjoy talking to them about everything, the happy things and smiling, the sad things and crying, both smiling and crying, actually, the funny things and the sick things and laughing, the hard things and thinking, the easy things and breathing. There's no word for the feeling I get after having a heart-warming, -wrenching, -tearing, conversation with an older friend, a warm, soulful feeling that runs all the way through me to my core, like sunlight through shadows. I never want to lose that.

And I love those I lust after in another way. There's a respect there, an admiration that is tangible. It isn't always physical, or just: I'm attracted as much by what's inside as by what's outside. But there's another level of expression there that most people don't reach outside of a relationship, and I don't mean just sex. There's a raw equality that forms between him and me, and we have our whole lives to figure it out. An equality made just for him, and for me, our relationship the clay and us to mold it, our piece of paper to write our verses on. It isn't just sex, it isn't just reproduction, somewhere along the way we lose our pronouns and our original function and we become something else. I've seen it happen, I've watched it happen, two people blending. And just as the individuals are different, so are the relationships. Each is beautiful in its own way, each sweet and sour in varying amounts, each slightly dysfunctional and as imperfect as the two beings that make it.

Sweet, wondrous love is what I serve, this magical, living thing between you and I and the whole world.

End of Tangent #2

Well, I never expected tat story to be unique. I've watched a number of Coming Out Stories on Logo, and most of them sound pretty similar. I don't know how people can watch them on TV: I have so many questions to ask, and the boob tube doesn't answer!

"Hetero-flexible"...? *sigh* I think I've heard that one before. Look. Don't say you aren't something because you don't like certain girls who also claim that preference. Be true to yourself, but don't be afraid to be a maverick. You're special, Juria, unique, and I daresay moreso than most. Just be yourself--you'll be fine. I'm sure you'll make friends and discover yourself--it's who you are to question things, and while that may drive some people away, it will bring others closer, and your natural warmth, your kindnesses and your gentle cares will mean all the world to others, your tenacity will win over people you've never expected to, and all of these might even attract a special someone who you can feel okay saying the "L" word to (No pun intended). It is my dearest wish for you that you find out who you are and what you are, and that I am proven right in time.

Love and Vale,
-LD

I'm glad things are going well for you, Juria. Just a quick update, and then I'll go from top to bottom....
-----
UPDATE!

Schedule changes are upon us--Steven switched out of PE, a bunch of people switched into a number of my other classes. Things fall apart, and come back together, too.

I was out two days last week with a fever, and have a number of tests to make up. And almost certainly, an untenable amount of homework. Fun.

Still unused to the attention. I keep getting hit-on in school. By guys and girls. I don't know what they see in me--I'm not pretty at all, and I'm eccentric, at best. Today, a friend of mine, Dani, came into the Media Center (I TA third period), and wanted to print something out. Austin (another TA) asked for the password, and she said "Drew's a cutie". I rolled my eyes. I know she's joking, but I play along. Then in Weight Training, we were sitting in the bleachers because of picture day, and this kid came up to me and said that his friend, another guy--wearing an orange tee, of all things--liked me. I blew it off, thinking God, what is this? Third grade? If he really liked me, he would come talk to me.

Aside from that, nothing's new. It's just the same old grind. Day after day. Day after day after day.
-----
I didn't know that both of us have lost a parent to cancer. Mine was my mother. Oh, Juria, you would have loved her--strong and smart and charismatic and caring. A better me. And older. And female. She died two years ago, on May 4th, 2006. She had been diagnosed the November before with a rare kidney cancer in advanced stages. It was a death sentence. If you don't mind me asking, what cancer took your father?

No, Stephen wasn't a bother. As you put it before (or later, rather), with that girl, Stephen's just a little outside my comfort zone. Cute (and ripped!), male, way too smart for his own good--it's no wonder he put me off-balance.

Well, I don't know about that. Writing just takes some time and practice, a little talent and a lot of skill. I'm sure that, given focus, your words would positively shine.

Ah, I see. Well, that explains it--you and she are a little too much for one another. Even so, I'm glad to see that you're still trying to bridge the gap. It's important to do.

The Preston Story

Yeah, I've been there with the hate thing. My freshman year, there was this senior guy in my Speech class who...was overly affectionate. I wasn't out yet, and even if I had been, I think he still would have annoyed me. As it was, he terrified me. Not because he was built like a bulldozer and ripped like a good pair of jeans, but because I liked it when he did something. I hated him for rousing this beast inside me. I loathed him for being a jock with the body of a Greek God. For turning me on. I remember choosing baggier shorts for the rest of the year after I met him. Damn.

But I began feeling guilty about all the things that had happened. More guilty then for liking another guy. It sucked. I just got this gnawing feeling in my gut every time I thought of him. Turns out, we're neighbors. He lives three houses down from me. I pass by there every time I walk to the park. Who would have guessed?

Fate intervened. I saw him outside. I faced down my fears and worries and apprehensions and guilt, and talked to him. I apologized for everything that had happened, and he did the same for antagonizing me. I asked if we could start over and he nodded, relieved. A few months later, I told him why he put me off so easily. He had no idea. (And I don't know how he didn't, but another story for another day.) I became friends with his mother, and fell in love with the family dog, Rosco. I don't even like dogs. Everything turned out really, really well.
~~~~~

On Love and Family and Self

You're confusing gender with gender roles. You can be very female without liking children. Gods, look at Marilyn Monroe. I don't know about marriage--I think it means something different for each person--but personally, I think it's about commitment. Not responsibility, but genuine, mutual sharing. Of time, of lives, of everything. One devotes himself to his partner. "In sickness in health", and all that jazz. Believe me when I say I know about responsibility.

Take family for example. I'm responsible for them, just as my grandparents are for me. But even so, when Mama was alive, when she got sick...it didn't feel like a burden I was forced to bear. I cared for her because I loved her. It isn't the same at all.

And I think you're wrong, Juria. You do deserve love--all of us do, or none of us. You choose--are you priceless (like I believe you to be), or are you worthless? If you have the capacity to love, then you have the capacity to be loved, too. I think that in time you will find the truth in these things.

...You know, Juria, in many ways we are very similar. I once swore off romanticism, too, thinking it was a petty waste of time. But I soon found that romanticism--that romantic love--gave me little choice in the matter. From the favorite poet of Morrie Schwartz, "Love one another or perish". So seemed to be the key here. I have studied many religions, and all reserve a special place for Love. Perhaps it is only a personal belief, but I think that the only true blasphemy is the refusal of Love.

I never choose the easy way out--it's been killing me for three years now.
~~~~~
Well, I'm glad that Texas is becoming less...right-winged. And I'm glad your grandfather is so accepting of who you are. It's good to have that kind of figure in your life.

But...I'm not sure about that "old-enough" bit. I knew I was gay for a long time. My aunt and uncle on my mom's side--her roommates from college, actually--said that they knew I was gay from an infant. I don't doubt them--they're sharp.

Well, I'm glad about your friend. It'll do him good to get everything out in the open. Just make sure he grabs a way cute outfit for me on the way out of the closet! wink

Dorothy: "Toto, I don't think we're in [insert mid-Western state here] anymore."

Toto: "No, the midgets and emerald city and golden-brick road are just parts of the new Gay Pride Parade."

Dorothy: "And the lion, tinman, and scarecrow?"

Toto: "Cats cosplayer, and drag kings."

Dorothy: "Well, it's a nice change from the Dust Bowl. Wait...are those flying monkeys?"

Toto: "Evil flying monkeys. They're attending the wicked witch float."

Dorothy: "Well, I'm glad they aren't throwing...well, you know." *clears throat* "Where's Glinda?"

Toto: "She's at the front. Oh, and she's keeping the slippers for herself."

Dorothy: "That sorry -----! I loved those shoes!"

Toto: "They fit her better, anyway. And with her skin tone...."

Dorothy: "Oh, shut up. Let's go see this Wizard person...."

Toto: "What? There aren't enough closet-queens for you?"
~~~~~

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Love and Vale,
-Leavaros/Masq