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 Posted: Tue Aug 07, 2007 6:54 pm
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[SCENE: Athens, Amphitheatre. A large audience of Greeks wait expectantly for the show to begin.]
VOICE OF BOREOS: It’s a lovely evening in Athens! A perfect evening fooooooor…the PLATO Show! And here’s your host…PLATO!
[ENTER PLATO. The cheer of the audience fills the amphitheater as a pudgy, balding man in an alcohol stained toga walks onto the stage.]
PLATO: Welcome, welcome, noble Athenians! It’s wonderful to see you all here!
[The audience roars.]
Guest One: Thanatos, the Spirit of Death
PLATO: By Zeus’ beard, do we have a show for you tonight! You wouldn’t believe the kinds of sacrifices and offerings we’ve resorted to in order to get our celebrity guests here for this very, very special episode of the PLATO show! And you definitely won’t believe just who our guests are. But I’m giving too much away. Ladies and gentleman! Nobles and slaves! May I present to you our first, very special guest…
[A drum roll plays (rather anachronistically, as drums were not common in Ancient Greek culture). The audience is on the edge of their seats.]
PLATO: He’s the harvester of souls, the messenger of Doom, the last face you’ll ever see! May I present to you, the Reaper, the Winnower, the Big K.O....THANATOS!
[The audience automatically begins to applaud, then falls silent as they make the mental connection between the name and its owner. Several shocked and uncomfortable faces can be seen, and one or two elderly citizens leave the audience and rush to the nearest exit. ENTER THANATOS, dressed in a plain black exomis. His silver hair is unkempt and tangled. He stares nervously at the audience with wide, starlit black eyes, and grins tentatively. A Ker attends him, ushering him to his seat, carrying in her bloodstained hands a silver chalice and a decanter filled with an unappetizing black liquid. Thanatos stares awkwardly at his seat before sitting down.]
PLATO: I’ve got to say, it’s a great honor to have you here with us on the PLATO Show, I’m a big fan of your work.
THANATOS: [surprised] R…Really?
PLATO: [falters] Err…well, not really, I, uh…just wanted to make you feel more comfortable, I…
THANATOS: [deflated] Oh.
PLATO: Um… [rallies] so anyway, welcome to the Show!
THANATOS: Uh, yes…yes, good to be here, I uh…thank you?
[A moment of awkward silence]
PLATO: Soooooo, tell us a little about yourself! Who are you and what do you do?
THANATOS: Well, I am Death.
PLATO: [jokingly] Is that who you are, or what you do?
THANATOS: [dead serious] Both.
PLATO: I see. [hesitates] Anything to add to that?
THANATOS: Not really, no.
PLATO: Huh. [drawn out sigh].
THANATOS: Can I leave now?
PLATO: Eh, not so fast there, Mr. Death. So tell us about your family.
THANATOS: Night is my mother. Darkness is my father. Sleep is my twin brother.
PLATO: Ah, so the typical nuclear family, then?
THANATOS: No, not really. I also have about thirty five other brothers and sisters.
PLATO: Oh, so the typical Greek family. Right. Do you get along with your siblings?
THANATOS: No. Well, one or two. I was never very close with Deceit, Retribution, Strife, Madness, Affection, Blame, Pain, or the Dreams. I work very closely with Old Age, the Demises, Decay and the Boatman, but I would not chance to deem those relationships affectionate, or even friendly. My brother Hypnos and I are inseparable, however.
PLATO: [Stares blankly] …that’s…quite a menagerie you have there.
THANATOS: Indeed.
PLATO: So, you say you’re very close with your twin brother then?
THANATOS: Yes.
PLATO: And he’s not….asleep all the time, or something?
THANATOS: Not as often as you might think. He spends most of his time chasing butterflies or swimming in the Lethe.
PLATO: Which one is the ‘older’ twin?
THANATOS: I am.
PLATOS: So does he look up to you or anything?
THANATOS: Yes, and it is quite aggravating. He takes after me in all things. Even Sleep itself is no more than a fleeting imitation of Death.
PLATO: Riiiiiiiiiiight. Moving on – describe your work life to us.
THANATOS: Continuous, monotonous, and very dangerous.
PLATO: Dangerous?
THANATOS: Not for me, of course.
PLATO: Of course.
THANATOS: I sieze the life of a mortal when their apportioned lifespan has ended, and then I deliver their shades unto the house of Hades Khthonios, whencefore they are accountable for their own afterlives.
PLATO: Well, at least you meet a lot of people.
THANATOS: Oh yes. Everybody, eventually.
PLATO: And you must travel all over.
THANATOS: That is so.
PLATO: So it can’t all be bad then?
THANATOS: Perhaps not. It does get a bit disheartening from time to time.
PLATO: Why?
THANATOS: Well, there are all the murders and suicides and drownings and burnings and war-casualties and stillbirths and natural disasters and doomed loves..and so on.
PLATO: Ah yes. That.
THANATOS: [Nods uncomfortably]
PLATO: Still, I bet you’re always the life of the party!
THANATOS: …
PLATO: You know, because everybody else is dead…
THANATOS: [coughs]
PLATO: You don’t really have a sense of humor, do you?
THANATOS: No. I must abide with just the five senses.
PLATO: [grinning wryly] I bet you’d be very good at deadpan humor.
[Several groans from the audience. THANATOS shifts nervously in his seat.]
PLATO: Get it? Deadpan? Dead-pan? ‘Coz you’re Death – oh, forget it. Lets hear about your personal life. I’m sure the audience is dying to know whether Death is seeing anybody right now.
THANATOS: I am seeing you right this moment.
PLATO: No, no. Y’know, seeing anybody…like, going out with anyone?
THANATOS: Where?
PLATO: NO! Going out, like on a date!
THANATOS: It is the 2nd of Elaphebolion, approximately 9:25 in the evening.
PLATO: [Screams into his hands before regaining his composure] No, as in a romantic date!
THANATOS: [stares blankly]
PLATO: …With a lover!
THANATOS: [gasps in horror] What!? No! Never!
PLATO: Ooh, touched a raw nerve there. So you’re single?
THANATOS: Yes! And I intend to stay that way.
PLATO: What, are you insecure?
THANATOS: N-no…well, a little. But that's not it.
PLATO: Is all the plumbing working…uh… [whispering] down there?
THANATOS: [nearly falls off his seat] What!? Of course!
PLATO: Oh, sorry. Do you have commitment issues?
THANATOS: [recovering] Considering the vast bulk of people I meet are doomed to die, yes, you could say I have difficulty commiting to someone.
PLATO: What about an immortal? You know, Aphrodite’s not exactly known for playing ‘hard to get’, we could set you up-
THANATOS: [Interrupting] Certainly not!
PLATO: What’s wrong with Aphrodite?
THANATOS: Not only her. All of them. The deathless gods. They hate me with the same ardour that mortals fear me.
PLATO: All of them?
THANATOS: Everybody hates me.
PLATO: Wow. Because of the Death thing?
THANATOS: Most likely.
PLATO: Bummer.
THANATOS: Your pardon?
PLATO: Nevermind. Well, it doesn’t have to be consensual; you could get a concubine, or an Eromenos.
THANATOS: What?
PLATO: You know, like a servant boy…with fringe benefits.
THANATOS: Oh, gods no!
PLATO: Aw, come on, all the other gods are doing it.
THANATOS: Not where I come from!
PLATO: Well, that’s because where you come from, everybody is dead! Unless that’s the sort of thing you go for.
THANATOS: This interview is over!
[THANATOS gets up and stomps off-stage, bowling over his Ker attendant on the way out]
PLATO: [At a loss] Um…Isn’t he adorable, folks? Anyway, you’ll get a real kick out of our next guest! It’s-
[THANATOS pops his head out from behind the Skene]
THANATOS: [Interrupts] Oh, and Plato?
PLATO: Uh, yeah, Thanny?
THANATOS: [Smiles malevolently] I'll be seeing you soon. Very soon...
PLATO: [gulps audibly, followed by nervous laughter] Ahahaha… [In a tiny voice] Looking forward to it…
[THANATOS waves at the audience, then disappears in a plume of black smoke]
PLATO: [shaken] Well, then…moving on to the next guest…
---
This is where you continue with the PLATO show. Pick a deity, any deity, and write up and post the next interview. Try to make yours funnier then mine, though. Thanatos is admittedly a stick-in-the-mud, so I am sure you can do much, much better. |
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Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2007 2:38 am
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PLATO: [shaken] Well, then... Moving on to the next guest...
Guest Two: Zephyros, the West Wind
[A wind blows in from the west side of the stage, behind PLATO. It sweeps through the audience, playfully tangling their hair and clothing before slowly tapering off. PLATO is still shaken and turns to watch in the direction of the wind. ENTER ZEPHYROS. He is tall and enters from the west, when the guest entrance is on the east. PLATO watches him in surprise as he gracefully seems to float across the stage to the seat just vacated by THANATOS. He smiles at the audience and runs his fingers through his artfully windblown hair, twitching his reddish khiton back into place.]
PLATO: Well, it seems our next guest has arrived already. Please welcome the golden haired, light winged, harbinger of roses and spring and hope of sailors... Zephyros, the god of the West Wind!
[Audience applauds, several sailors continue long after the rest of the audience has tapered off. ZEPHYROS continues to smile and wave at the audience. Some wind comes from the west again, but it disappears quickly.]
PLATO: [coughs] Thank you, Zephyros. I must say, I am truly a huge fan of your work.
ZEPHYROS: Do you say that to all of your guests, or just the divine ones? If you’re going to be a host, you should think of some more original ways to welcome your guests. [His tone is slow and lazy, and his eyes are hooded with boredom]
PLATO: Yes, well... uhm... Tell us about yourself. You are the god of the West Wind...
ZEPHYROS: I am more than just the god of it. I AM the West Wind, just as Thanatos is Death or Hypnos, Sleep.
PLATO: [coughs again, still trying to get back in balance after the discomfort caused by THANATOS] Of course. You have siblings, correct?
ZEPHYROS: [sighs with boredom and is clearly wondering why he came] Yes, I have my three closest brothers, Boreas the North Wind, Notos the South Wind, and Euros the East Wind. I also have the Astra Planeta; Phainon, Dion, Pyroeis, Aphrodision, and Stilbon. My mother is Eos, the Dawn, and my father is Astraios.
PLATO: And you are married...
ZEPHYROS: [looking more bored by the moment] Yes, to Khloris, whom I gave dominion over flowers as her dowry. We have a son, Karpos, who is the god of fruit. [slumps a little into the seat and rolls his eyes]
PLATO: But she is not the only one you have ever loved. You once loved a young man named Hyakinthos, correct? But he was with Apollo...
ZEPHYROS: [suddenly straightens and more wind, this strong, blows through the Amphitheatre. His golden eyes are bright with anger] THAT IS NOT TRUE! You mortals never get the stories right. If you are going to bring up something like that, you should get it correct.
PLATO: Then why don’t you tell us the real story?
[ZEPHYROS turns his head away and closes his eyes, anger still written in his every movement and expression. He does not answer, but the wind takes on a mournful quality with overtones of regret. There is silence save for the wind for several minutes.]
PLATO: Well... if it’s that hard to tell, maybe I should just ask Apollo...
ZEPHYROS: No, he would not tell you the true story. If you really feel it is that important to your silly little entertainment, I’ll tell you.
PLATO: [looks at audience] I think you should, then. Educate us as to the truth.
ZEPHYROS: [looks at PLATO with a disgusted expression] Be honest as to why you wish for me to tell the story. I know you mortals rarely have an interest in the truth, but we gods much prefer it.
PLATO: Of course. We are all interested to learn the truth, however. Aren’t we folks? [turns to audience. Audience loudly agrees]
ZEPHYROS: [voice is distant and soft with memory] I met Hyakinthos, a lovely young man, a very long time ago. We became friends, and after a time, lovers. We were very happy, but time passed and I began to spend less time with him as my abilities were needed more and more. I suppose he grew lonely and while I was gone, Apollo met him. The same happened, and he wooed Hyakinthos away from me, while I was unable to do anything about it. When I returned, I found Hyakinthos and Apollo throwing a discus in turns. As Apollo threw it, I grew mad with jealousy and rage. I caused the discus to hit Hyakinthos, killing him. If I could not have him, when he was mine to begin with, no one could. Apollo, in his grief, created the hyakinth from his blood. I too grieved his death, regretting my actions, though it was by far too late...
PLATO: [remains silent, not sure what to say in view of the god’s obvious grief]
ZEPHYROS: Enough. Unless you have more to speak with me about then my love life, which is none of your business anyway, this interview is over.
PLATO: Well, why don’t you tell us about your work? Being the Wind must be a busy occupation.
ZEPHYROS: Indeed. I bring the warmer air, and blow ships into harbor. Not much to tell, really. When I blow, the weather warms and flowers bloom.
PLATO: So when you happen to say, pass wind, Spring comes a little faster?
[Audience laughs. ZEPHYROS glares and does not respond.]
PLATO: What’s wrong? Head too full of hot air for you to respond?
ZEPHYROS: If you do not wish to meet Thanatos sooner than you expect, I would advise you cease making such distasteful and ill-mannered comments. [His tone is cold, something one would expect from BOREAS the North Wind rather than warm, friendly ZEPHYROS.]
PLATO: [winces and laughs nervously] So....
ZEPHYROS: [Rises stiffly] I believe we are finished here. I would advise that if you wish to live beyond this day, you treat your next guests with a great deal more respect. [Leaves, again deliberately exiting on the wrong side of the stage, the West.]
PLATO: [still very nervous about the references to his demise] Uh… why don’t we just continue to the next guest….
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Posted: Sun Nov 25, 2007 3:01 pm
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mine!!!
Plato:[still freaked out because of Zephyros] On to the next guest! PLEASE!
Guest Three: Aphrodite, the Goddess of Desire
[Doves fly everywhere, the sun shines, the men in the audience blush. Enter Aphrodite. For each step she takes, the closest man faints and blushes in spite of himself. Plato also blushes as Aphrodite takes the throne.]
Aphrodite: [waves and blows kisses] Hello mortals and Plato! Please, don't be amazed by my beauty. Of course, I'm always beautiful!
Plato: [snaps out of it] Yes, hello dear Aphrodite. I love your glorious khiton and your beautiful hair and -
Aphrodite: [smiles] Oh, Plato! Get on with the interview! I want everyone to know about me.
Plato: Okay then. [clears throat] As we all know, you are the Goddess of Love, Beauty, and Lust. So tell us, what is your beauty secret?
[Audience "Ooohs" and "Aaahs".]
Aphrodite: [laughs] Why should I tell you? My secrets of beauty are secrets for a reason, you know.
Plato: Really?
Aphrodite: Pff! Of course! You mortals would misuse your beauty!
Plato: Okay then. Next question, why did you dump Hephaestus for Ares?
Aphrodite: Because he was ugly! DUH!
Plato: Yes, but why hate him? Hephaestus can make a lovely husband -
Aphrodite: Pff! No way! Hephaestus is ugly and THAT'S FINAL!!!
Plato: Ooh, someone's got anger issues...
Aphrodite: SHUDDUP!
Plato: Okay okay! [whispers] b***h...
Aphrodite: What did you just call me?
Plato: [scared and shivering in fear] Nothing -
Aphrodite: No. Let all the audience know what you called me, I won't hurt you.
Plato: [gulps] Er, a b***h.
[Audience gasps]
Aphrodite: Plato, have you ever fallen in love?
Plato: Um...
Aphrodite: 'Cause the next time you do, I'll call up our friend Thanatos and he will rip you to shreds.
Plato: Um, okay.
Aphrodite: [smiles and blows kisses to audience] Toodles! [disappears]
Plato: [shaken up] On to the next guest then...
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Posted: Wed Jan 16, 2008 10:49 pm
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Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 4:48 pm
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Plato: Okay, okay, okay! Enough with immortals hating me! Let's bring in someone who could never hate me...
Guest Five: Hera, Queen of the Gods
[In walks Hera]
plato: [to his agent] What happened to Hestia?
Agent: She refused to come. Said it would draw too much attention to her. And you know how she hates attention!
Plato: But what should I do?
Agent: Stall for time.
Plato: Okay. So, Hera, what's up with you and Zeus?
Hera: Well, if I could, I would destroy all his girlfriends.
Plato: And you don't already do that?
Hera: Of course not.[smiles] In the old days, I destroyed them. [voice darkens]But Zeus signed me up for anger management.
Plato: Then what happened?
Hera: I destroyed the anger management lady.
Plato: Then what happened?
Hera: Zeus got mad.
Plato: Then what--
Hera: Stop asking me that! Plato, the last thing you need is another immortal against you.
Plato: True. So, do you have any friends on Olympus?
Hera: All you need to know is that everyone hates me, except for a few members in the Who Needs Men club. [whispers] Don't tell Aphrodite.
Plato: Wouldn't dream of it. Oh, by the way, Zeus's girlfriends-
Hera: I don't want to hear about it.
Plato: Trust me, you want to know.
Hera: Not interested.
Plato: Really? You don't want to know that they've obtained supersoakers, and that Aphrodite's assembled them right behind you?
Hera:[turns around] WHAT?
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Posted: Tue Jul 20, 2010 10:52 am
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[Hera runs off, ready to kill some innocent beauties]
Plato: *laughs nervously* So uuuh...thats gonna make me lose some ratings. But enough of that folks, it's time for my next guest
Ares! God of War and Bloodshed!
[Ares walks in, crowd boos]
Ares: You got something to say! Huh punk?! How bout you?! *points at an old lady*
Plato: Calm down Ares, they are just a bit distraught that you are here.
Ares: Uh...sure? *takes a seat*
Plato: So, we had Aphrodite here!
Ares: Ah yes, my little love muffin!
Plato: I wanted to know, what is your relationship between you and Eros
Ares:...who?
Plato: Your son
Ares: I had a SON!? *gets up in anger* WHO TOLD YOU THAT?!
Plato: *nervously flipping through cheat card* O-O Uuuuh, nevermind!
Ares: Plato, you have 10 seconds to say something, or else I'll be wearing your head as a top hat
Plato: *gulps* So I heard there is a little something between you and Athena?
[crowd- 'ooooooooooooooooo']
Ares: Oh Please! Dionysus told you that, didn't he? I'll cut his grapes off for that!
*crowd gasp*
Ares: But if you must know, Athena is crazy in love with me, but I don't have the heart to turn her down
Athena: *barges onstage* EXCUSE ME!
Ares: *turns around* Oh, Thor's abs...
Athena: *grabs Ares by collar* come here!
Ares: NO PLEASE! PLEASE! *gets dragged backstage*
*ackward animal sounds and punches come from backstage*
Plato: Well, uh, that was w-
Ares: Oh gods no!
Plato:...So we mo-
Ares: No! I need that for war *pop sound*
Plato: *shivers* um-
Ares: *banging sounds* OH SWEET OLYMPUS!
Plato: *quickly* WE MOVE ON TO OUR NEXT GUEST!
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