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 Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 10:22 pm
Hi everyone! I talked to Muse about it, and since there are so many new and wonderful people here who weren't when I was writing back in Winter, I've decided that I would make a poetry thread here, remembering my earlier works. Poems will be posted in ornate, my updates in whisper, and comments/replies in say, as is my own personal standard for every such thread now. This is how it works, every Friday until further notice I'll post a new old poem up here for critiques and discussion. Each will have an updated story on how it came into existence, consider it incentive to read! biggrin You can talk about them up until then, and ever after, even comparing newer pieces to my older ones. When none are left, I might start posting new ones up here, but no promises! If I can't think of anything--and the last Friday of every month, regardless--I'll put up pieces here that I really like written by close friends of mine, and it goes without saying that the author's name/username will be added, too. I'm telling you right now, the first two are going to be Tommy Cullen's "Rainy Days" and Elvenjewl's "Closing Time", provided I can get their assent. I'll be updating this right now, with the first poem I ever typed up and posted online, "Dreamweaver". Love and Vale, ~Valens
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Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 10:32 pm
#1: Dreamweaver Original date of posting: December 1st, 2006
~~~~~~~
NEW NOTE!
~~~~~~~
This was written back in December. It's one of my only structured poems, and I did, in fact, give it a melody. I hope you like it. It still soothes me when I'm too upset to sleep.
*****UPDATED NOTE*****
I'm part Cherokee Indian, and Mama, even though she was Christian, always had Dreamcatchers all around the house.
When she died a while back, after a seven month bout with cancer, the Dreamcatchers disappeared one by one. This goes into storage, this to a good home, this to a friend...and eventually there were none left. When I got back to school, I felt awful. Everything was going wrong, and I couldn't fix it. I became something of an insomniac.
One night I dozed off--I hadn't slept well in what felt like ages--and Mama was calling me. I'm not going into details, but I woke up feeling like I was really awake again.
It was near Halloween when the dreams started plaguing me. Strange dreams that were too real and half-formed dreams of mist and shadow.
I fell into that insomnia again. Then, I wrote this poem, the first third, inspired by Mama's dream. I felt at peace, and even gave it a melody. Whenever I'm worried now, I'll hum it to sleep.
I haven't had a bad dream since.
Love and Vale,
~Valens
~~~~~
"Dreamweaver"
Weave me a dream, Dreamweaver,
Of Dawn's pink light and of cottony clouds.
Weave me a dream, Dreamweaver,
Of golden plains and of ancient oaks.
Weave me a dream, Dreamweaver,
Of richest Earth and slightest breeze.
Weave me a dream, Dreamweaver,
That I may find my peace.
Weave me a dream, Dreamweaver,
Of shining Sea, and of glittering sands.
Weave me a dream, Dreamweaver,
Of whitest dunes and of swaying palms.
Weave me a dream, Dreamweaver,
Of mellow waves and salty winds.
Weave me a dream, Dreamweaver,
That I may find my peace.
Weave me a dream, Dreamweaver,
Of changing Sky and of roaming clouds,
Weave me a dream, Dreamweaver,
Of Earth and Sea together at last.
Weave me a dream, Dreamweaver,
Of sunshine and moonglow as one,
Weave me a dream, Dreamweaver,
That I may find my peace.
~~~~~~
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Posted: Sun Aug 05, 2007 6:53 pm
Nice poem biggrin , but I can see how you've improved when comparing this to your more recent works. I still think you're over-parallelizing, but maybe that's just your style. It really does paint a beautiful image--like the reader can feel the dream you create. This is all thanks to your excellent choice of adjectives--a skill which I really do envy in your work.
Looking forward to next Friday's offerings,
- KK
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Posted: Sun Aug 05, 2007 7:07 pm
See, this is extremely repetitive, and I always tend to find things overly repetitive to be a little bland. You've definitely improved a great deal, and I must say, you didn't start off too badly to begin with.
But mostly I agree with Kiyo on the point of adjective use. Its really something special, what you can do with words.
And of course you have my assent to post my poem here. I'd be absolutely honored.
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Posted: Sun Aug 05, 2007 9:05 pm
Thanks Kiyo, Tommy. Remember, this is meant to be sung, not read. If I were.... Well. I'm afraid this song will never be sang to the tune it was written for, at least by more than my own shabby tongue.
I fought with my words for well over an hour searching for the right words that not only get the proper descriptions, but also complement each other in the piece. It wasn't easy, but it was worth it.
Thanks again for allowing me to post your poem, Tommy! The honor is all mine.
Love and Vale,
~Valens
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Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 9:16 pm
That would be one song I would love to hear sung. It's really good. Reminded me of many of my dreams that I've had lately and what they are trying to tell me. Looking forward to the next poem.
~Buwie
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Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 10:11 pm
Thanks, Snow! I'm glad you liked it.
Love and Vale,
-LD
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Posted: Fri Aug 10, 2007 8:25 pm
#2: Lover's Prayer Original date of posting: December 9th, 2006
~~~~~~~
New Note
~~~~~~~
Yeah, this one was written back in December. The boy this was written about...well. He frightened me because for the first time I cared about someone so much it hurt. And he didn't respond at all to my advances. I had to let him go then.
If I see him again at school this year, I'll tell him that I'm never going to run from him again. That beautiful, perfect, boy that makes me want to be so much better myself, to try harder at everything I do.... This one's for him.
*****ORIGINAL NOTE*****
I tried writing back story to this like I do my other poetry. And failed miserably. So without further ado:
"Lover's Prayer"
You are everything I can't be,
And strive to be,
And love.
And in my weak moments,
I envy you,
And want you.
But then I remember.
The way your hair flips,
At the end, regally.
The way your lips twitch,
When you speak.
The way your eyes twinkle,
When you laugh.
And I know,
That in my Heart of Hearts,
I love you, perhaps against my will,
But I love you even so.
And even if I can never have you,
Even if I can never hold you,
I will always remember.
And in my Heart of Hearts,
Whenever I think of you,
I pray a little prayer,
And send it on the winds,
That all the gods may grant it,
For your strength,
For your health,
For your safety,
For your love.
That you may be everything,
That I could never be,
And be it well,
For goodness,
For memory,
For you.
For me.
And for all of us.
And I pray,
In my Heart of Hearts,
That you find someone,
Who has done as much for you,
As you have for me,
That you learn,
As I did,
That reason and passion can be mixed,
That trust accompanies self-questioning,
That self-acceptance is the start of self-love,
That being open is the only path to true happiness,
And above all,
That love is never wrong,
Because it is the start of all good.
This is my prayer for you.
*******
See if you can find the hidden clue! biggrin
Love and Vale,
~Valens
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Posted: Fri Aug 10, 2007 8:28 pm
Read this one on your profile but decided to read it again. Nicely done. Love it.
~Buwie
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Posted: Fri Aug 10, 2007 9:07 pm
I must admit, I am rather proud of this one. Especially after Dreamweaver. This is the beginning stage of my style, now. Not a prototype, but...different, somehow. Like the larval stage of a butterfly, but...not. Like being young and direct and passionate, yet beginning to show the signs of age.
Love and Vale,
-Valens
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Posted: Sun Aug 12, 2007 9:07 pm
Your lack of stanza breaks in this one still annoys a bit, but it's a good read on the whole. Unrequited love is a nice theme, and easy to understand. I think I have a poem on this subject as well. I might fish it out and post it later.
It's hard to understand your admiration for a man, but reading the short note over this poem reminds me of a conversation I had once with a close friend. She was a lesbian, and I asked her what it was that she saw in girls. When she described to me the way that she felt when looking at a particular girl, I felt that I could really relate to her in that longing. It was an odd feeling, but a bit of a revelation.
That said, I wonder if girls can relate better to this work than I do...
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Posted: Sun Aug 12, 2007 9:22 pm
sad confused I don't even mention gender in the poem. The lack of stanza breaks is supposed to make it seem like a rush of words and emotion all at once. Which it was, at the time.
Do you remember the Motoko-Yuki romance? That episode can make me cry, just because it reminds me of him. He really is perfect, at least on the surface. But...sometimes I see him frown a little, when he thinks no one is looking, and sigh a little and look off into the distance. It makes my heart hurt that he could have problems that I can't help him with, no matter how hard I tried.
But when he smiles.... That makes my heart hurt, too. A wonderful, incredible hurt, like taking a breath so deep your lungs ache. "Seeing him here, smile so tenderly...it makes me so happy, even though I know, he's not smiling because of me." Isn't that about what Motoko says? And isn't it so terribly true for me, as well?
Love and Vale,
-Valens
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Posted: Mon Aug 13, 2007 8:12 am
Not in the poem per se, but the foreword drastically changes the reader's perception of the work. This is a very important part of a piece.
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Posted: Mon Aug 13, 2007 12:30 pm
I'd like to think it expands rather than alienates.
~Valens
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Posted: Fri Aug 17, 2007 1:48 am
No one asks about the hidden clue? Ah, well, it's that day of the week again.
-Valens
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