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 Posted: Mon Sep 20, 2010 6:51 pm
Worst weekend ever. I just want to cry. crying
I feel alone
alienated
empty.
I can't take it anymore.
I try to keep a strong face.
I do the right thing to make my friend happy
But it's killing me inside.
I can't take the anxiety and panic attacks, but I'm scared to tell my family about it. I don't want to go on meds. We can't afford them. I don't want to mess with my body even more.
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Posted: Mon Sep 20, 2010 6:59 pm
Calling Shenanigans Worst weekend ever. I just want to cry. crying
I feel alone
alienated
empty.
I can't take it anymore.
I try to keep a strong face.
I do the right thing to make my friend happy
But it's killing me inside.
I can't take the anxiety and panic attacks, but I'm scared to tell my family about it. I don't want to go on meds. We can't afford them. I don't want to mess with my body even more. whats wrong?=[ why fel that way?
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Posted: Mon Sep 20, 2010 7:00 pm
I'm seeing sexual harassment everywhere. About 75% of the things people say, do, or otherwise indicate comes across in my head as "okay, it probably wasn't meant in that way, but it COULD have been, and that's enough to make me really, really uneasy". It's worst around my dad and my brother; my dad's really affectionate, and he's been that way all my life, and his behavior towards me hasn't changed a bit in 19 years as far as I can tell, but now it's like the same old things hit the panic mode in my brain when I know, I know they shouldn't, I have no reason to believe either of them has any of those feelings, but...I think it in my head, it automatically goes through a translator in my head that turns everything into a veiled solicitation of some sort (I know there has to be a better word for what I'm thinking in my head, but for the life of me I can't remember it right now)...from "I love you" --> "I'd love to molest you" to "*sits down in the only available seat, which happens to be next to Kestin" --> "You're totally my type." It's driving me crazy. I can't be around anyone anymore because I'm constantly worried that they're harboring unwanted feelings for me. I know it's not like that, I know nobody does, especially the people I barely know and the people I'm related to (having a male sibling who's just turned 15 is making me nervous...that's just wrong...but it is)...I know but I can't stop feeling it. It doesn't happen online, thankfully, but...it's like someone's installed this translator into my head and I can't turn it off. I...I...I can't stop...I can't make it stop and I'm losing my mind and I can't talk to anyone offline about it because they might want to feel me up or something and...I don't...I can't be around anyone. I can't get it out of my head. I don't know what to do. I don't know why this is happening. I don't...I know it's not accurate at all, but the paranoia that it could be, it COULD be...dslklgjwpeliohjliaHKGESLU;Fejklwrtk
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Posted: Mon Sep 20, 2010 7:07 pm
Kamilio Calling Shenanigans Worst weekend ever. I just want to cry. crying
I feel alone
alienated
empty.
I can't take it anymore.
I try to keep a strong face.
I do the right thing to make my friend happy
But it's killing me inside.
I can't take the anxiety and panic attacks, but I'm scared to tell my family about it. I don't want to go on meds. We can't afford them. I don't want to mess with my body even more. whats wrong?=[ why fel that way? Long story is long:
On friday my best friend and I both got it out to eachother that we really like our best guy friend. He's kind of been leading both of us on for the past few months. We kissed in July (even though he had a girlfriend, god I felt so horrible) and I thought that some of those feelings might have lasted.
Anyways, we both agreed not to date him.
Later that day he says he wants to date her.
Two months ago he said he'd never be able to pick between us. Two months ago after we kissed we both agreed we couldn't date because we couldn't hurt her and ruin her friendship. Now when he wants to date her theres no "We can't do this to Emily because it would hurt her a lot. It might ruin our friendship." Not to mention the fact that he KNOWS I have feeling for him and he makes me feel like he doesn't care about me at all.
Like I'm a second thought.
She said she wouldn't date him unless I was okay with it.
They kissed on saturday.
Today I just gave up. I can't keep them apart and I know it. They're together now and it kills me inside to just think about it. I feel lost and like I don't belong anywhere. That I'll always be second, never first, in anyone's mind.
I might sound petty but I don't care.
He hurt me and he doesn't have the decency to ******** apologize for it.
p.s. Kam, I have to say that you are probably one of the sweetest people that I've ever met.
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Posted: Mon Sep 20, 2010 8:38 pm
Hide your babies. Vallie is looking for something to punch. D<
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Posted: Mon Sep 20, 2010 8:42 pm
So about 30 minutes ago the fire alarm goes off in my building. It wasn't all that loud when I was in my room, but apparently my door provides better sound-proofing than I thought, because the instant I opened it the alarm became painfully loud. It wasn't a police siren-type alarm like my last dorm, either. It was an incredibly grating BEEEP BEEEEP BEEEEEEP that not only made me want to get the hell out of the building, but also happened to be clearly audible even on the other side of the parking lot. Which also didn't happen in my last dorm (the noise was generally confined to the building). And this was a fire drill at nine in the evening, which is really pushing it for people who would like to be able to go to bed early. Heck, one guy had already gone to bed when it went off.
Long story short, I have a headache now. >.< *goes off to find some Tylenol and hopefully get to bed on time*
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Posted: Mon Sep 20, 2010 8:51 pm
Valheita Hide your babies. Vallie is looking for something to punch. D<  
I feel like a horrible person for laughing at that sweatdrop
not really a secret....more of a mini-rant that doesn't warrant it's own thread: WTF is wrong with people....why do you spray so much freakin' perfume...I was literally choking on it in the hallway. I thought I was done putting up with crud like that after leaving highschool...but know, apparently there are also morons in college.
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Posted: Mon Sep 20, 2010 9:00 pm
Secret: Kam's avi is really awesome right now
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Posted: Mon Sep 20, 2010 9:59 pm
Calling Shenanigans Kamilio Calling Shenanigans Worst weekend ever. I just want to cry. crying
I feel alone
alienated
empty.
I can't take it anymore.
I try to keep a strong face.
I do the right thing to make my friend happy
But it's killing me inside.
I can't take the anxiety and panic attacks, but I'm scared to tell my family about it. I don't want to go on meds. We can't afford them. I don't want to mess with my body even more. whats wrong?=[ why fel that way? Long story is long:
On friday my best friend and I both got it out to eachother that we really like our best guy friend. He's kind of been leading both of us on for the past few months. We kissed in July (even though he had a girlfriend, god I felt so horrible) and I thought that some of those feelings might have lasted.
Anyways, we both agreed not to date him.
Later that day he says he wants to date her.
Two months ago he said he'd never be able to pick between us. Two months ago after we kissed we both agreed we couldn't date because we couldn't hurt her and ruin her friendship. Now when he wants to date her theres no "We can't do this to Emily because it would hurt her a lot. It might ruin our friendship." Not to mention the fact that he KNOWS I have feeling for him and he makes me feel like he doesn't care about me at all.
Like I'm a second thought.
She said she wouldn't date him unless I was okay with it.
They kissed on saturday.
Today I just gave up. I can't keep them apart and I know it. They're together now and it kills me inside to just think about it. I feel lost and like I don't belong anywhere. That I'll always be second, never first, in anyone's mind.
I might sound petty but I don't care.
He hurt me and he doesn't have the decency to ******** apologize for it.
p.s. Kam, I have to say that you are probably one of the sweetest people that I've ever met. I don't really know what to say, aside from the fact that I think he isn't worth your time. D: Sounds like she broke her agreement, and he just acted like a douche in general. You'll find someone worthwhile. I know you will. ;3; Also, yes. Kam is awesome like that. o3o
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Posted: Mon Sep 20, 2010 11:36 pm
Yus!
My parser is working. Now I just have to hope I haven't screwed the pooch when it comes to making the compiler work off it D:
Added historic variable, for loop (more like repeat loop, but yeah) and some syntax modifications to PL0
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Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 12:33 am
I'm Bored. Actually I'm bored with my life in general xP
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Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 2:41 am
@ Calling, the guy sounds like an absolute douchebag I'd drop him as soon as you can. He is clearly a complete player. Watch out for your friend, I have this feeling he is gonna mess her around and cheat on her...
Also, honey, you don't want that! He sounds like a complete a*****e, not to mention and jerk and completely insensitive to other people. You'll find someone better. Trust me. You're a great girl and there are millions of people out there who would do all sorts of crazy stuff to get a girl like you.
Final thought, if you feel third wheel and don't wanna be around them try and widen your circle of friends so you don't have to be around them much. This provides opportunities for 1. finding some new friends, 2. finding friends who aren't a*****e, 3. widening social circles and 4. meeting some more men!
Hope this helped!
Also *snuggles* you'll be fine. I'm sure
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Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 2:56 am
I have alot of thinking to do. She was the cause of my downfall in life. And now she could be the one to pick me up. gonk
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Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 7:17 am
Calling Shenanigans Kamilio Calling Shenanigans Worst weekend ever. I just want to cry. crying
I feel alone
alienated
empty.
I can't take it anymore.
I try to keep a strong face.
I do the right thing to make my friend happy
But it's killing me inside.
I can't take the anxiety and panic attacks, but I'm scared to tell my family about it. I don't want to go on meds. We can't afford them. I don't want to mess with my body even more. whats wrong?=[ why fel that way? Long story is long:
On friday my best friend and I both got it out to eachother that we really like our best guy friend. He's kind of been leading both of us on for the past few months. We kissed in July (even though he had a girlfriend, god I felt so horrible) and I thought that some of those feelings might have lasted.
Anyways, we both agreed not to date him.
Later that day he says he wants to date her.
Two months ago he said he'd never be able to pick between us. Two months ago after we kissed we both agreed we couldn't date because we couldn't hurt her and ruin her friendship. Now when he wants to date her theres no "We can't do this to Emily because it would hurt her a lot. It might ruin our friendship." Not to mention the fact that he KNOWS I have feeling for him and he makes me feel like he doesn't care about me at all.
Like I'm a second thought.
She said she wouldn't date him unless I was okay with it.
They kissed on saturday.
Today I just gave up. I can't keep them apart and I know it. They're together now and it kills me inside to just think about it. I feel lost and like I don't belong anywhere. That I'll always be second, never first, in anyone's mind.
I might sound petty but I don't care.
He hurt me and he doesn't have the decency to ******** apologize for it.
p.s. Kam, I have to say that you are probably one of the sweetest people that I've ever met. that guy seems/sounds like a jerk to be honest I know he may be your best guy friend but if hes willing to do that to you and your friend and go back his word hes not much of a guy at all =/ *hugs* and your never second ;D and do belong heh even though sometimes friends arent close by most of us are with you in spirit =], plus you can do a hell of a lot better I know it =D I know you hold feelings for him and it ll be hard but you can do it, it better to live a life without the bad people in it even if we do wish to hold onto them sometimes greater and better/happier things come along
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Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 9:48 am
There is a part of me that really just wants to break down and cry right now. I'm way behind on just about everything, I don't feel like I have time to do anything fun or relaxing, I still can't commit to anything because I don't know what my work study hours are going to be, I don't even know if I'll be able to graduate on time... and worst of all, I can't let myself feel like it's overwhelming because the moment I do, it's just going to make things 10 times worse.
And even when I do manage to keep those things from bothering me, there's about 100 other things that gnaw at my mind and I can never tell if they're things that are actually worth worrying about or if it's just my anxiety kicking it into high gear. My life has improved immensely since I got back from Germany and I still can't get through a day without getting mad at myself and feeling like a failure at some level.
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