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Wealthy Conversationalist
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 Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 11:21 am
Overall, a good sample. However, your "what you already know about this clan/bloodline" was severely lacking. Until you fill that out properly, in a way that shows me that you've read over the clan as it's represented in the Bloodline archive, DENIED.Sorry. Also: for the future, it greatly helps the approval mod if you make a list of the techniques you've used in your sample at the end of your post.
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Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 11:27 am
Somnis Overall, a good sample. However, your "what you already know about this clan/bloodline" was severely lacking. Until you fill that out properly, in a way that shows me that you've read over the clan as it's represented in the Bloodline archive, DENIED.Sorry. Also: for the future, it greatly helps the approval mod if you make a list of the techniques you've used in your sample at the end of your post. The Nara clan ( Nara Ichizoku?, "Nara clan") is known for their manipulation of shadows and tending of deer, which graze in a large area of Nara clan forest. They have kept a book with medicine preparations and effects for generations. Among the medicine described in this book are the secret pills used by the Akimichi clan. The men from this family are very lazy and tend to be attracted to overbearing women. The Nara members are the Shika in the "Ino-Shika-Cho" trio. The name "Nara" is from the real city of Nara, Japan, and is a famous place for the number of deer ("Shika") that live there. The deer there are said to bow whenever they are given treats yet also said to be very aggressive. This is all that there is for a description on the bloodline besides the techniques. From what I know about the anime is that they can control what their opponent does with a technique making them mimic their own actions as long as they have the shadow upon them. The shadow they use to capture an opponent takes on the appearance of a shadow tendril and it has a limit on how far it can go with minimum shadows around. So I guess this means I won't get the clan?
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Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 8:57 pm
Catherine Hellsing So I guess this means I won't get the clan? No, that isn't what she means, you just have to edit in the app and add more information; you actually have two more chances to land a spot in the nara clan. And well even if that is what it says one can always get more information out of the clan's jutsu list itself; adding things like how the user's jutsu restrain movement and have other hindering effects on the target. That's what that section is for, a good four-six sentenced paragraph should sufice for any crew member; at least that's the way i rate it.
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Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 9:11 pm
iAkura-kun Catherine Hellsing So I guess this means I won't get the clan? No, that isn't what she means, you just have to edit in the app and add more information; you actually have two more chances to land a spot in the nara clan. And well even if that is what it says one can always get more information out of the clan's jutsu list itself; adding things like how the user's jutsu restrain movement and have other hindering effects on the target. That's what that section is for, a good four-six sentenced paragraph should sufice for any crew member; at least that's the way i rate it. What she said was to read the clan until I've read it over as it is within the bloodline archive. I have done that and it doesn't really say anything about strengths or weaknesses. I am sorry it's severely lacking and I don't think it's fair to deny something and take a point away from a person when they are not lazy and they read the clan thoroughly trying to make more sense of it. The only thing that is listed is that they are lazy and attracted to overbearing women. Not really strengths or weaknesses right there. The only area in which strengths and weaknesses are listed are the second stage of the clan and that's not what I'm applying for. What gets me is that I sent that to her in a pm halfway asking if everything looked good. She informed me that it did look good and for me to go ahead and finish it as well as posting it without telling me about the 'what you already know about this clan/bloodline" wasted my time entirely upon it. As well as making me appear to be lazy which I despise appearing to be lazy.
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Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 9:34 pm
Catherine Hellsing iAkura-kun Catherine Hellsing So I guess this means I won't get the clan? No, that isn't what she means, you just have to edit in the app and add more information; you actually have two more chances to land a spot in the nara clan. And well even if that is what it says one can always get more information out of the clan's jutsu list itself; adding things like how the user's jutsu restrain movement and have other hindering effects on the target. That's what that section is for, a good four-six sentenced paragraph should sufice for any crew member; at least that's the way i rate it. What she said was to read the clan until I've read it over as it is within the bloodline archive. I have done that and it doesn't really say anything about strengths or weaknesses. I am sorry it's severely lacking and I don't think it's fair to deny something and take a point away from a person when they are not lazy and they read the clan thoroughly trying to make more sense of it. The only thing that is listed is that they are lazy and attracted to overbearing women. Not really strengths or weaknesses right there. The only area in which strengths and weaknesses are listed are the second stage of the clan and that's not what I'm applying for. What gets me is that I sent that to her in a pm halfway asking if everything looked good. She informed me that it did look good and for me to go ahead and finish it as well as posting it without telling me about the 'what you already know about this clan/bloodline" wasted my time entirely upon it. As well as making me appear to be lazy which I despise appearing to be lazy. Well sometimes one has to think out of the box you know? Some of the BL's and Clans in this guild are outdated, and i mean REALLY outdated. That clan is talking more about Shikamaru than the Nara per se. So my suggestion would be not to talk aobut the clan itself, but on how the techniques can be used.
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Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 9:36 pm
iAkura-kun Catherine Hellsing iAkura-kun Catherine Hellsing So I guess this means I won't get the clan? No, that isn't what she means, you just have to edit in the app and add more information; you actually have two more chances to land a spot in the nara clan. And well even if that is what it says one can always get more information out of the clan's jutsu list itself; adding things like how the user's jutsu restrain movement and have other hindering effects on the target. That's what that section is for, a good four-six sentenced paragraph should sufice for any crew member; at least that's the way i rate it. What she said was to read the clan until I've read it over as it is within the bloodline archive. I have done that and it doesn't really say anything about strengths or weaknesses. I am sorry it's severely lacking and I don't think it's fair to deny something and take a point away from a person when they are not lazy and they read the clan thoroughly trying to make more sense of it. The only thing that is listed is that they are lazy and attracted to overbearing women. Not really strengths or weaknesses right there. The only area in which strengths and weaknesses are listed are the second stage of the clan and that's not what I'm applying for. What gets me is that I sent that to her in a pm halfway asking if everything looked good. She informed me that it did look good and for me to go ahead and finish it as well as posting it without telling me about the 'what you already know about this clan/bloodline" wasted my time entirely upon it. As well as making me appear to be lazy which I despise appearing to be lazy. Well sometimes one has to think out of the box you know? Some of the BL's and Clans in this guild are outdated, and i mean REALLY outdated. That clan is talking more about Shikamaru than the Nara per se. So my suggestion would be not to talk aobut the clan itself, but on how the techniques can be used. So that makes it my fault that the clan is too outdated to give me a definition of strengths and weaknesses. I don't think out of the box with applications because I get creative and when I get creative it is normally wrong depending upon the guild. Each guild has their own systems with clans as well as bloodlines and what they can do.
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Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 9:39 pm
Catherine Hellsing iAkura-kun Catherine Hellsing iAkura-kun Catherine Hellsing So I guess this means I won't get the clan? No, that isn't what she means, you just have to edit in the app and add more information; you actually have two more chances to land a spot in the nara clan. And well even if that is what it says one can always get more information out of the clan's jutsu list itself; adding things like how the user's jutsu restrain movement and have other hindering effects on the target. That's what that section is for, a good four-six sentenced paragraph should sufice for any crew member; at least that's the way i rate it. What she said was to read the clan until I've read it over as it is within the bloodline archive. I have done that and it doesn't really say anything about strengths or weaknesses. I am sorry it's severely lacking and I don't think it's fair to deny something and take a point away from a person when they are not lazy and they read the clan thoroughly trying to make more sense of it. The only thing that is listed is that they are lazy and attracted to overbearing women. Not really strengths or weaknesses right there. The only area in which strengths and weaknesses are listed are the second stage of the clan and that's not what I'm applying for. What gets me is that I sent that to her in a pm halfway asking if everything looked good. She informed me that it did look good and for me to go ahead and finish it as well as posting it without telling me about the 'what you already know about this clan/bloodline" wasted my time entirely upon it. As well as making me appear to be lazy which I despise appearing to be lazy. Well sometimes one has to think out of the box you know? Some of the BL's and Clans in this guild are outdated, and i mean REALLY outdated. That clan is talking more about Shikamaru than the Nara per se. So my suggestion would be not to talk aobut the clan itself, but on how the techniques can be used. So that makes it my fault that the clan is too outdated to give me a definition of strengths and weaknesses. I don't think out of the box with applications because I get creative and when I get creative it is normally wrong depending upon the guild. Each guild has their own systems with clans as well as bloodlines and what they can do. As i said before, use the techniques the clan offers you as part of what you know of the clan; what are their powers based on? What can they do? ect ect ect, that's what the section is for.
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Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 9:51 pm
iAkura-kun Catherine Hellsing iAkura-kun Catherine Hellsing iAkura-kun Catherine Hellsing So I guess this means I won't get the clan? No, that isn't what she means, you just have to edit in the app and add more information; you actually have two more chances to land a spot in the nara clan. And well even if that is what it says one can always get more information out of the clan's jutsu list itself; adding things like how the user's jutsu restrain movement and have other hindering effects on the target. That's what that section is for, a good four-six sentenced paragraph should sufice for any crew member; at least that's the way i rate it. What she said was to read the clan until I've read it over as it is within the bloodline archive. I have done that and it doesn't really say anything about strengths or weaknesses. I am sorry it's severely lacking and I don't think it's fair to deny something and take a point away from a person when they are not lazy and they read the clan thoroughly trying to make more sense of it. The only thing that is listed is that they are lazy and attracted to overbearing women. Not really strengths or weaknesses right there. The only area in which strengths and weaknesses are listed are the second stage of the clan and that's not what I'm applying for. What gets me is that I sent that to her in a pm halfway asking if everything looked good. She informed me that it did look good and for me to go ahead and finish it as well as posting it without telling me about the 'what you already know about this clan/bloodline" wasted my time entirely upon it. As well as making me appear to be lazy which I despise appearing to be lazy. Well sometimes one has to think out of the box you know? Some of the BL's and Clans in this guild are outdated, and i mean REALLY outdated. That clan is talking more about Shikamaru than the Nara per se. So my suggestion would be not to talk aobut the clan itself, but on how the techniques can be used. So that makes it my fault that the clan is too outdated to give me a definition of strengths and weaknesses. I don't think out of the box with applications because I get creative and when I get creative it is normally wrong depending upon the guild. Each guild has their own systems with clans as well as bloodlines and what they can do. As i said before, use the techniques the clan offers you as part of what you know of the clan; what are their powers based on? What can they do? ect ect ect, that's what the section is for. I provided that within the sample as well as the what do you know about this bloodline/clan. There's really not that much to the clan as well as the fact that it's outdated.
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Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 10:27 pm
Rpc Name: Tsubaki Megane Village: Sunagakure Rank: Genin Bloodline or Clan applied for: Sharingan What you know about the clan/bloodline: The ever-popular sharingan provides the user enhanced perception upon activation. The more tomoes, the higher the level of perception. At best, a sharingan can identify and see through most genjutsu, distinguish chakra colors, and read movements with minute precision. Unique to the sharingan is the ability to copy other jutsus. Although, this ability is given only after two tomoe have been unlocked. After the third tomoe stage has been reached and certain requirements are met, a mangekyou sharingan can be unlocked. It is only at this stage that a weakness appears for this bloodline. The more the mangekyou is used, the worse the user's eye sight becomes. This problem can only be fixed upon achieving the eternal mangekyou, which requires another set of mangekyou eyes. There are different abilities depending on the type of mangekyou/eternal mangekyou. Rp Sample: (OOC: Just wanted to say that the character used in the sample is different from the character I plan to rp with. Hope that's alright sweatdrop .)
Tsuki swiveled on the spot, her normally pale blue eyes were now a vivid red marked with a black pupil and two black dots in both eyes. As she swung her body around full circle constantly, the bells tied to the side of her hip rang lightly. Her eyes scanned her surroundings quickly, but she still took in the most minute details, that was the strength of the sharingan's knack for perception. The chuunin knew that something was coming and she prepared for it as she dug her heels in the ground. She simply didn't know when. Then, as her eyes passed over a patch in the trees, they noticed something, a slight tremor. Two to be exact. In fact, everything was appearing double to her, her own chakra color seemed strange, and her eyes detected, . Tsuki acted on instinct, holding a handsign to release the genjutsu (she was certain she would be able to kai out of it as she was only able to recognize genjutsu a rank or more lower than her in the first place) she was caught in while dodging away with a jump way to the side without even double-checking. It was the right move, even if it did leave her a bit more open than she would have liked thanks to the extremity of the dodge--Tsuki had been unable to completely release the genjutsu until after she'd reacted. There, in the spot where she was just moments ago, was her opponent. [1/4] [11/40]
The opponent charged and swung at her as soon as he recovered from his initial attack. Tsuki's eyes read the movement and she deftly moved backwards onto her hands, bringing her feet up and over her body before landing on them again. The movement both moved the Uchiha backwards while delivering a strong kick to her sparring partner. The kick sent the target stumbling backwards a couple steps. That was good. Tsuki was best with some distance between herself and her opponent. Furthermore, if there was some distance, then there was no chance for the other chuunin to grab at her bells. [2/4] [18/40]
However, it soon became apparent that Tsuki wasn't the only one planning things. The male in front of her poofed into nothingness. the girl realized as she rushed to pick herself up from the kneeling position she was currently in. Too slow, though. Just as she turned, she felt something just out of sight (and thus out of her Sharingan's enhanced perception) tackle into her. To give the other chuunin as difficult a time as possible, Tsuki didn't oppose the tackle and rolled with it. Over and under the two kept moving, the movement keeping either from doing much other than grappling. However, there was a limit to how long this competition could last. At least, for Tsuki there was. Despite the early usage of genjutsu, she had to keep in mind that she was up against a taijutsu user. Between the two of them, her opponent would win any prolonged physical match. [3/4] [29/40]
Tsuki realized as she found herself on the bottom, fighting a losing struggle to keep her opponent's arms occupied. There was little her sharingan could do and, really, that was all she had left. To keep the opponent's arms busy, her arms were also in no position to create the hand signs needed for most jutsus. There was only one thing she could think of being able to do, and she would need to focus all of her attention on finding an opening to do it. A split second would do. Taking advantage of the sharingan's ability to read movement, the girl found the chance she needed. The moment she was able to block the other shinobi's hand with only her forearm, Tsuki snapped her fingers. What started as a Katon: Tanebi no Jutsu turned into a Katon: Houka Hira no Jutsu. Neither jutsu was actually very strong, but they were better than nothing. Without fear, Tsuki pressed the ball of fire into the opponents hand, burning it and distracting him just enough for her to roll out of the grapple and far away from the other shinobi. This time, she somehow managed to get back on her feet. While she was much more exhausted, the girl was far from giving up. [4/4] [40/40]
Techniques Used:Can tell minor level genjutsu from reality. Can read movement on a medium scale. Can see chakra colors.
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Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 11:10 pm
What she said was to read the clan until I've read it over as it is within the bloodline archive. I have done that and it doesn't really say anything about strengths or weaknesses. I am sorry it's severely lacking and I don't think it's fair to deny something and take a point away from a person when they are not lazy and they read the clan thoroughly trying to make more sense of it. The only thing that is listed is that they are lazy and attracted to overbearing women. Not really strengths or weaknesses right there. The only area in which strengths and weaknesses are listed are the second stage of the clan and that's not what I'm applying for. What gets me is that I sent that to her in a pm halfway asking if everything looked good. She informed me that it did look good and for me to go ahead and finish it as well as posting it without telling me about the 'what you already know about this clan/bloodline" wasted my time entirely upon it. As well as making me appear to be lazy which I despise appearing to be lazy. Firstly, I will clarify. You sent me a PM containing an unfinished sample, after informing me that I was to be receiving a teaser for your sample. You asked me to judge a sample in which was only about half finished. I told you that the aforementioned half finished sample looked good, but that you needed to use more of the actual clan techniques. Secondly, I shouldn't have had to "inform" you that the skeleton contained a section inquiring as to what the applicant's prior knowledge of the clan/bloodline was. It's in the skeleton. You can read. Thirdly, never ONCE did I call you lazy or ANYTHING of the sort, so don't even try putting words into my mouth. The process of applying for ANY clan/bloodline/race/what-have-you in ANY roleplaying guild shold include reading BOTH the clan information AND the technique list that goes with it. If you didn't read the technique list (which I assume that you did not, since you didn't site any of the techniques in your sample, nor did you use the verbal incantation for them), that isn't my problem. Go on Narutopedia and read about the Nara clan. I asked you to do something very simple so I don't risk being chastised for approving someone who put a wordy "NOTHING" in their "What you know" section to their bloodline application. What I asked you to do will take no more than five minutes. In the time you spent arguing with the crew and insulting me, you could have already read the information, fixed the app, and been done with it. Approved. I like what you did with the sample. To the point, well-written, and displayed a clear knowledge of the bloodline.
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Wealthy Conversationalist
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Posted: Fri Jul 06, 2012 10:39 pm
Rpc Name: Kakeru Hitoshimaru
Village: Kirigakure
Rank: Genin
Bloodline or Clan applied for: Minds Eye of the Kagura
What you know about the clan/bl: They are extremely great medical shinobi, they have the ability to sense chakra and tell when high level chakra is around. They're capable of supressing their own chakra as well.
Rp Sample:
Kakeru sighed as he was walking along the lonely road which he seemed to have been a bit accustomed to doing. He didn't really mind such much, but he also was rather fine with it. Tilting his head back and forth before he felt something weird. He quickly moved pushing his body up, and avoiding a lightning chakra infused Kunai. "Four, five..seven." He said to himself, counting out the amount of people within the a outer sections of the area he was in, and that were likely attacking him. He wasn't totally sure why this was occurring but it was fine by him, as long as he would be able to win or something. He landed on the ground and then sighed, looking around for a moment as he prepared himself. Gripping the blade at his side, he didn't really like fighting so much either. He just wished to be a bit normal. Perhaps him suppressing his chakra like he did simply made him a bit worse.
Soon enough, he was able to feel a high amount of chakra coming from one direction. A familiar chakra in fact. "Why is she here..." He asked himself, as he looked to the side. A girl with yellow hair had walked up the path, holding one of the prior attackers. "Kakeru Kun~ You seem to need a bit of help." Kakeru looked at her, he wanted to deny it, but it was true, he did need a bit of help. It was fine if she helped though. The others of the group revealed themselves, all of which ready to fight and all rushing in at the two teenagers. Kakeru and the girl engaged in battle with them soon enough.
Kakeru's frown he had on previously turned into a bit of a smile as he and the girl fought. He had never actually had so much fun. Any time she would be hurt, he'd simply allow her to heal off his chakra. It was actually quite amusing to an extent. There were two left, and finally they were about to be free of this annoying group. Kakeru fighting one, the girl fighting the other they went in for the attack, and as Kakeru's attack hit dead on, the girl's leg was grabbed by one of the people she had defeated and left on the ground earlier. Leaving her open for an attack almost directly into her chest. Spitting up blood Kakeru would rush to her, slicing the guy's up and then holding the girl. "Come on, I know you're not dying right now of all times..." He said, sadly as he would try and let her heal off him.
Although, it didn't seem to be working. In fact, it wasn't working on the girl at all. He could see her chakra, feel it, dying slowly, but surely. He felt a bit sad. He wasn't sure about this, but he was absolutely sad. Perhaps the fact the first possible friend he ever made was dying right here. He struggled, continued to attempt to let her take some of his chakra to heal. Not working at all, to no avail, he continued to try. Eventually her body became cold, unmoving, and without a pulse. Kakeru sighed, a small tear dripping from his eye as he would close her eyes with his hands. Standing up and carrying her, to take her to where she lived. To tell her parents, and friends what happened.
Abilities Used -
• Able To Find hiden enemy's.
• Can Heal Almost all injury's not death (and not on yourself)
• Able to detect demon chakra and other high level chakra
• Able to suppress one's own Chakra
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Posted: Fri Jul 06, 2012 10:57 pm
Approved! ^^ Your sample made me tear up.
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Wealthy Conversationalist
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Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2012 12:36 pm
TvIaMsOqTuHeYz Rpc Name:Raphael Saki Village:Sunagakure Rank:D Bloodline or Clan applied for:Nara What you know about the clan/bl:The clan is the only clan capable of using Kageton, or Shadow Release. Their shadows are capable of holding an opponent in place, or even grasping an opponent. The clan's weakness is that if there are no shadows, then they are incapable of using their own techniques. Rp Sample:" So I'm confused, we're just going to sit here until you run out of chakra? " The man said smiling as he just stood there staring at Raphael. " I thought that the Nara clan was supposed to have multiple techniques to use to defeat an opponent once you've got them immobilized. " The man said laughing. He wasn't in any shape to be laughing, he had several cuts, and he had used up quite a bit of chakra attempting to attack Raphael. He had gotten one good hit though. " I don't exactly know which techniques would work, I come from the Saki family branch, we just use these techniques for fun. " Raphael said smiling and standing to his full height. " However, now that you mention it... " Raphael said as he brought his hands together to make a new array of hand signs " Shadow Neck Bind. " Raphael said smiling as his shadow tightened into a small line and a hand crept up the man's leg then his torso until it reached his neck. " Let's see just how much more power you've got left in you. " Raphael said smiling. The man could very well have quite a bit left, he seemed to have a natural affinity for fire. ' Maybe I did just get away with a scratch if this man is truly a fire master as he said he was. ' Raphael thought to himself as he tentatively looked at the char marks on his exposed chest. His shirt, jacket, and even the top right corner of his pants were completely burned away. He had second degree burns, and a sizable char mark on his chest. His right arm was in fairly bad shape, if he didn't treat it as soon as he could, he'd be in for a bit of trouble with infections and possible amputation. " Oh? A challenge eh? " The man said smiling and focusing his chakra, which in essence was limitless. " I'll show you just how much power I have left! " He shouted, bursting his chakra from his body, slight burns appearing on his body. His face changed, if only for a second. It seemed he was in immense pain, more pain than anything Raphael had ever felt. Could this man be like Shinji? The Shadow neck bind technique slowly left the man's neck, although it kept him immobilized. " So again with the waiting game? " He said smiling, although his teeth were clenched and his eyes began to falter. He was in an amazing amount of pain. " Oh, I just remembered something. " Raphael said smiling, drawing a ninja fist blade. He focused a large amount of his shadow chakra into the blade and sprinted forward sinking the blade into the man's shadow before he had a chance to respond to the shadow imitation being canceled. In the time he charged the man, he only had time to fall to his knees, blood coming from his clenched teeth. " I see that you've expended yourself nearly completely. " Raphael said smiling as he leaped away, breathing slightly hard. " As long as I've got you there, I'm going to have a bit of fun. " Raphael said taking out some ointment and rubbing it on his wounds. The ointment would heal him for the time being, and it would prevent pathogens from getting to his open wounds. " So, let's play a game. I'm going to use jutsu after jutsu, and we'll see what it does to you. Sound fun? " Raphael said laughing as he stood up and dusted himself off as he put the ointment away. Raphael brought his hands together and weaved several hand signs together. " Tch, You can't hurt me any more than I already am. " The man said laughing, his body visibly straining against the jutsu. This jutsu wasn't capable of being broken through sheer willpower alone. He'd need a buddy to save himself, but that wasn't an option. This was a competition after all. Pity that Raphael had to show the other countries his ability. But it was better to have them know, than to be in the hospital. " Just get it over with, This is Konoha's chunin exam, you know by the state of this place that one of us isn't going to walk out of here alive. If you run out of chakra, I'll rip you limb from limb. " The man said, more blood coming from his mouth. He was obviously hurt, Raphael wondered if it was a shared trait. He'd have to ask Shinji about it once he returned to Sunagakure. " Shadow Sewing. " Raphael said his shadow rising in tendrils and shooting at the Konaga. The tendrils shot through the man's body, blood coming out. " One down, I've got about five more to go. " Raphael said his smirk appearing, then nearly immediately being wiped from his face. The man let out a short yell, gritting his teeth then beginning to laugh. " This the best you've got? I go through hell every day, you're not getting anywhere. " He said laughing gruffly, blood dripping out of his mouth now. " Next! " The man yelled, laughing heartily. " I'm just going to end this here. " Raphael said as he weaved several more hand signs, kneeling for a clear shot. " Crescent Moon Blade. " Raphael said as his shadow formed into the shape of a crescent moon and launching at the man. The Blade collided directly with the man's waist line, cleaving his torso from the lower body that still remained held in place. " Heh, I'm taking you with me! " The man said, still enough power left in his body to grab his lower half and throw himself at Raphael. He began to glow vibrant with chakra, he was entering the "Raging Spirit". " Go to hell! " The man Said laughing as he started to wrap his arms around Raphael. " Shadow Armor! " Raphael said, making hand signs quickly his shadows wrapping around his body. Once the man's chakra had been exhausted and the life faded from his body Raphael stood, his shadows falling from his body, and some exposed portions of his body were horribly mangled, bones showing, skin hanging loosely, some bones were missing. " Heh, You were a fun opponent. " Raphael said, stumbling backward and falling to his knees. Raphael looked up into the stands and just before he lost consciousness and fell backward he saw two shinobi jump to his side, and retrieve him on a stretcher. " I won, right? That guy was a beast right up to the very end... I'm not so sure I got the good end of the bargain. " He said laughing. Jutsu used: Shadow Imitation Shadow Neck Bind Shadow Imitation Shuriken Technique Shadow Sewing Crescent Moon Blade
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Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2012 4:55 pm
TV:
Next time, announce that your application has been edited. I almost didn't read it because I thought you were reposting the application that I denied.
Overall Verdict: Approved. Barely.
-The Nara are not the only clan that can use the Kageton techniques. They can be taught to members outside of the clan. It's not a bloodline, it's a family practice. They developed the techniques.
-Your character would have been hindered far more than displayed in your sample if the upper half of his body was covered in second-degree burns. First degree, maybe, you could still have moved with. Not second. Second-degree burns are known to cause more pain and physical discomfort than third, due to the fact that third-degree burns kill the nerve endings in the flesh.
-"Shadow chakra"? No. Kageton isn't elemental. It's an ability. You would still be using normal chakra.
-Limitless chakra? No.
-You tend to be ridiculously wordy in your samples. You use the words "his body" multiple times in one sentence. It isn't necessary.
-Grammar and punctuation needs work.
-"... before he had a chance to respond to the shadow imitation being canceled..." Wrong. Kage Mane releases instantly the moment another jutsu is cast.
-Care to explain why the opponent suddenly begins bleeding from the mouth, as you never referenced anything to do with his mouth prior to making that statement?
-So, you're telling me that the opponent took a knee, and, without making a single move to restrain him, your character ceased fighting to tend to his burns, and the opponent didn't retaliate? Smart move.
-Again, unlikely that the opponent would just let him go about his business and brush himself off and store away the ointment, rather than attacking as a last resort.
-"... Tch, You can't hurt me any more..." In that whole paragraph, you never even mention what jutsu you have performed, though you say that the man is "visibly straining."
-Shadow Armor? So now we're just making up techniques? Absolutely not.
-Literally your entire last paragraph is one run-on sentence. Fix your grammar.
-He lost consciousness and then tried to speak? No.
Consider this an official referral to the RP School in the Main Forum. If you've been RPing for as long as you say you have, it needs work. And, for the record, I'm not saying this to be mean. I'm saying this in an attempt to help you better your roleplaying.
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Wealthy Conversationalist
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