The Joke Thread!

[Cheesy Nipplesv2]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your p***s is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."  

[Reeves]

A little boy goes into his single mother's room to see her naked on her bed, touching herself and moaning, "Ohhhhh, I need a man, I need a man!"

The next night, he goes back into her room to find her with a man in her bed.

The boy, startled, runs back into his room, but after some contemplation, he takes off his clothes, starts touching himself, and moans, "Ohhhh, I need a bike, I need a bike!"  

[Cheesy Nipplesv2]

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on p***s one time."
"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my p***s....fifty times."  

[Reeves]

A Hollywood producer is sitting in his summer home when the devil appears to him. The devil says, "I have an offer to make, sir."

The producer says casually, "Oh, go right ahead."

The devil says, "I am going to offer you eternal fame and glory. All of your movies will be hits, and you will gain over a billion dollar fortune."

The producer strokes his beard and says, "That sounds marvelous. And in return?"

"You give me your soul and shall stay with me in my domain for the rest of eternity."

The producer blinks. "I don't understand. What's the catch?"  

[Cheesy Nipplesv2]

On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked execpt for a lemon between her legs.
The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his d**k.

The wife gave him a wierd look and then the husband replied "If your going as a sour-puss, I going as a dictator".  

[Reeves]

A doctor bets a friend that he can take several mentally unstable people to a baseball game without causing any trouble. The friend asks how he is going to do this, and the doctor says that he has thought of a method to keep the loonies under control.

A few hours into the baseball game, the doctor arrives at the friend's house, his clothes torn and his face battered. The friend, having watched the game on TV, cries, "Good God, what happened? There was a huge riot!"

The doctor said, "Well, everything was going great. When our team was winning, I'd say, 'Cheer, nuts!' and my patients would cheer. When our team was losing, I'd say, 'Boo, nuts!' and they'd boo. And when we were doing the chant, I'd say, 'Clap, nuts!' and they'd clap."

"Okay, so what went wrong?"

"Well, the ******** food vendor had to shout, 'PEANUTS!'"  

[Kelti]

There were two pretzels walking down the street.

One was a salted.  

[Reeves]

Always loved that joke, Kelti. xd

A man with a horrible stuttering problem goes to a doctor to see what is causing it. The doctor tells him that it is because he has an outrageously large p***s, and its weight is straining his vocal cords and making him stutter.

"W-well, w-what do I-I d-do?" the man asked.

"I'm afraid the only way to fix it is to get a p***s transplant."

The man agrees, and after the operation he no longer stutters. However, after a few months, he misses the enormous p***s he once had and goes back to the doctor. "Doc, I've been thinking about it, and as much as I enjoy not stuttering anymore, I miss my old p***s. You think you can talk to the guy who switched penises with me so we can switch again?"

The doctor shifts uncomfortably in his seat and says, "Th-that's n-not p-possible."  

[Cheesy Nipplesv2]

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.
The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.
The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?
Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.
Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!
Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.  

[Reeves]

Y'know, all these jokes remind me of the jokes my brother would tell.
Only they weren't jokes 'cause they had no punchline.

Here's an example:
"So a guy walks into a bar, and the bartender says, 'What can I get you?' and the guys says, 'Oh, I'll have a beer,' and the bartender says, 'COMING RIGHT UUUUUUP!'"

That's it.
No punchline. Nothing.

But my brother would just laugh so hard at his own stupid "joke" that we had to give in because it was so ridiculous.  

[Cheesy Nipplesv2]

so... bad jokes? sad  

[Reeves]

Cheesy Nipples

so... bad jokes? sad

They weren't technically even jokes! xd
No, I just got reminded of it because they're jokes in general, not because they're bad.
I think the jokes we're posting are downright hilarious.  

[Kelti]

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"  

[Kelti]

Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?"

"No, I lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive!"  

[Kelti]

Her boyfriend is so stupid, when they were handing out brains he thought they said trains, so he asked for a slow one.

***

Men are like a pack of cards, you need a heart to love them, a diamond to marry them, a club to batter them, and a spade to bury them.