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 Posted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 2:05 am
I applaud your dedication to praising me in a duplicate-able manner.
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Posted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 2:12 am
I praise you more in a duplicate-able manner for applause for my dedication. >and am veering further from a real quote in order to maintain some semblance of a point. i have rearranged, ind introduced minor word insertion and changes.<
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Posted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 2:15 am
"I praise you more in a duplicate-able manner for applause for my dedication." That's right. I just duplicated your duplicate-able praising of me for my praise of your duplicate-able praise. : I have no idea what's going on anymore.
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Posted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 2:26 am
"I praise you even more in a duplicate-able manner for praise for my applause." That's right. I just duplicated your duplicate-able duplication of my praise of you more in a duplicate-able manner for applause for my dedication.
LMAO. it is beginning to lose a bit of sense though. but it still hangs on to just enough for my tired mind to think it understands. i think i am way too tired.
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Posted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 2:43 am
You win. I'm too lazy to work out the grammar on the next part of this.
Here's your prize:
Three friends were playing golf one beautiful Sunday morning, as usual, and they never missed a weekend. As one of them was about to take the first tee a guy, by himself, asked if he could join their flight. The friends looked at each other and figured "sure, why not," as they haven't played with anyone else in quite some time.
So they teed off and all four were getting along pretty well. Right about the turn, on the 9th hole, they were all chit chatting and getting to know one another. Curious, one of the friends asked the new guy what he did for a living and, funny enough, he told them he was a hitman. They all kind of laughed it off, and asked him again - this time seriously.
The stranger said "No really, I'm hitman. My gun is in my golf bag, I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you don't believe me, I've never been dishonest."
So one of the guys in the group decided to take him up on the offer and, opening the bag, sure enough revealed a really nice rifle with huge scope mounted at the top. He got all excited about it. He said "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look through it?"
"Sure," said the stranger.
So the man looked around for a second and said "HELL YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Sweet! Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too! And he's in my room!"
This upset the golfer, terribly, so he asked the hitman how much he would charge for a hit. The hit man replied "It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger." The man said "$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Then I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the crotch, for screwing around with my wife."
The hit man agrees, gears up and takes aim through the scope. He's looking for what has to be 10 minutes. The golfer begins to get impatient and asks the hitman what he's waiting for. The hitman replies kind of anxiously, "Just hold on a minute... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!"
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Posted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 2:48 am
>.< oh god. lol. that's terrible.
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Posted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 2:52 am
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Posted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 2:58 am
another oldie.
---------------------------------------
An actor auditioned for a part in a musical comedy many years ago. The director was impressed with the young man's talent. He could dance, he could sing, he had perfect comic timing.
The director asked the young man his name.
"P[male part] van Lesbian," the man replied proudly.
"Well," said the director, "we'll have to change that."
"Oh," the young man said, "I could never change my name. It's my heritage."
"Well," said the director, "if you're not willing to change your name, you'll never go anywhere in show business."
The young man left the theater dejectedly.
A couple of years later, the director and the young man happened to meet on the street.
"Do you remember me," asked the young man?
"Yes, I do," said the director. "I almost cast you once for a musical comedy. What have you been up to."
"Well, I finally took your advice," the young man said. "I changed my name and I have been quite successful in show business ever since."
"I told you so," the director replied. "And what name did you choose, Mr. van Lesbian?"
"d**k van Dyke."
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Posted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 3:07 am
Lol I remember that one! I think when I first heard it I was too young to get it and went '...huh?' No one really wanted to explain.
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Posted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 3:08 am
yeah...i'm running out and using old ones.
i wouldn't have wanted to explain it either.
i'm probably too tired, and everything is starting to seem funny, but. (from a website like most of them.)
COMMAND REDUCTION OF ARMY PERSONNEL ( C.R.A.P. )
As a result of DOD budget cutbacks, we are forced to reduce the size of the force. Under CRAP, older soldiers will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of lower paid soldiers who represent the Army's future.
A program to phase out older soldiers via retirement by the end of the current fiscal year will be placed in effect. the program will be known as Retire Active Personnel Early (RAPE).
Employees who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek civilian employment within the Department of the Army. To that end, RAPEd soldiers will be required to fill out numerous DA Forms (currently in the development, test, and evaluation stage) detailing their education and experience.
This phase does not guarantee retired soldiers a civil service position; it does, however, guarantee that the soldier's unique capabilities will be considered before being bypassed in the hiring process. This phase of CRAP is known as Survey of Capabilities of Retired Warriors (SCREW).
Soldiers who have been RAPEd and SCREWed may request review of their situation by higher authority. This is the Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT)phase.
CRAP policy dictates that a soldier may be RAPEd once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed as many times as the Army leadership deems appropriate.
If a soldier follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance (HERPES). As HERPES is considered a benefit payment, any soldier who gets HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the Army.
The Army leadership wishes to assure younger soldiers who remain on active duty that the Army will continue its policy of ensuring that soldiers are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (s**t) program. The Army takes pride in the amount of s**t our soldiers receive and can boast that it gives its soldiers more s**t than any other service.
If a soldier feels he or she does not get enough s**t, see your commander.
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Posted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 3:24 am
XD Nice.
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note :
"Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady."
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Posted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 3:27 am
lmao. nice.
-------------------------------------------
One day Ms. Nelson, a kindergarden teacher, was giving a lesson on imagination. What she would do was hold an item behind her back, give a few descriptions of the item, and ask the kids to guess what it was.
First she said to the children "I have something long and yellow behind my back." The kids suggested a pencil. Ms. Nelson said "no, i'm holding a bannana, but I like you all's imagination.
Next she said" I have something round and red". Little Johnny stood up and guessed it was a ball. Ms. Nelson told Johnny it was an apple but she liked Johnny's imagination.
Johnny had an idea. He told his teacher, "I have something in my pocket that's warm and it has a head on it. Well Ms. Nelson got really upset and told Johnny he was to go to the principal's office for being soo dirty minded.
Little Johnny then said," No, Ms. Nelson, it's a quarter, but I LIKE YOU'RE IMAGINATION!!!
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Posted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 3:33 am
Nice. Wrong, but nice. XD
It's the Spring of 1957 and Lewis goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Mary Jane's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says. "That's cool" says Lewis.
Mary Jane's father asks Lewis what they're planning to do. Lewis replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Mary Jane's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the cool kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Lewis - so he asks Mary Jane's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Mary Jane's father, "Mary Jane really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Lewis' eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Mary Jane comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Lewis escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Mary Jane rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
"Dammit Daddy! It's called the TWIST!"
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Posted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 3:42 am
*facepalms* haha.
-------------------------------------
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your [male part] off!", said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your [male part] off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man,"And you, what do you do for a living?"
And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
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Posted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 3:45 am
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Reply
