The Joke Thread!

[Cheesy Nipplesv2]

Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him.

He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know.

He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know.

He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.

Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"

"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."

"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..."

"Father !!" Screams Jesus.

"Pinocchio !!" yells the old man.  

[Reeves]

George W. Bush and his driver are cruising along an open road when they suddenly hit a pig. Bush tells his driver to find the owners of the dead pig and explain the situation to them.

The driver obeys and goes out to look for the family. After a long while, he staggers back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other hand, and his clothes all ripped and torn. Bush cries, "What the Hell happened?"

The driver replies, "Well, when I told the family what happened, the farmer gave me this bottle of wine, his wife gave me this cigar, and his daughter made mad, passionate love to me."

Bush says, "Well, geez, what did you say?"

"Well, gosh, sir, all I said was 'I'm George W. Bush's driver, and I just killed the pig.'"  

[Cheesy Nipplesv2]

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a frog?

A Woolly Jumper  

[Reeves]

A man angrily walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I've got a bone to pick with you."

"All right, what's the trouble?" asks the doctor.

"The trouble is these suppositories you prescribed for my constipation. They aren't working. I've been taking them every four hours for days now, and I'm still ******** constipated!"

The doctor looks at the man incredulously, asking, "Well, what the Hell are you doing? Swallowing them?"

The man replies sarcastically, "Nooooo, I'm shoving them up my a**!"  

[Cheesy Nipplesv2]

What's a Pirates favorite form of protection?

Arrrrrm bands.  

[Reeves]

Why did the tomato turn red?

It saw the salad dressing.  

[Cheesy Nipplesv2]

Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies.
The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel.
They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."  

[Reeves]

A man goes into a bar and orders ten vodka shots. When he gets them, he downs them in only a few seconds and asks for ten more. When he gets those, he downs them even faster than the first ten and asks for ten more. The bartender, curious, asks, "You're drinking those pretty fast, man. What's the hurry?"

The man replies, "I've only got two dimes in my pocket."  

[Cheesy Nipplesv2]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank ******** for that !"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little b*****d was going to bark!"  

[Reeves]

This oughta make you dudes wince.

A man walks into a hospital and says to the doctor, "I want to be castrated."

The doctor, shocked, says, "But, sir, why on Earth do you want that?"

The man replies, "Well, I've been thinking about it for a long time, juggling my beliefs and my confidence as a man, but I feel that this is the best decision."

The doctor tries to dissuade the man, but his mind is made up.

A couple weeks later, the man walks out of his hospital room, feeling a bad pain between his legs. As he waits to complete his paperwork so he can leave, he sits down in the waiting room next to another man and asks, "So what are you here for?"

The second man says, "I'm here to be circumcised."

The first man goes pale and cries, "Oh, ********! That's the word I was looking for!"  

[Ribbish]

A bit long. Best read out loud, but be careful, probably not safe for work XD

Has this ever happened to you?
You work very horde on a paper for English clash
And then get a very glow raid (like a D or even a D=)
and all because you are the word¹s liverwurst spoiler.
Proofreading your peppers is a matter of the the utmost impotence.

This is a problem that affects manly, manly students.
I myself was such a bed spiller once upon a term
that my English teacher in my sophomoric year,
Mrs. Myth, said I would never get into a good colleague.
And that¹s all I wanted, just to get into a good colleague.
Not just a**l community colleague,
because I wouldn¹t be happy at a**l community colleague.
I needed a place that would offer me intellectual simulation,
I really need to be challenged, challenged dentally.
I know this makes me sound like a stereo,
but I really wanted to go to an ivory legal collegue.
So I needed to improvement
or gone would be my dream of going to Harvard, Jail, or Prison
(in Prison, New Jersey).

So I got myself a spell checker
and figured I was on Sleazy Street.

But there are several missed aches
that a spell chukker can¹t can¹t catch catch.
For instant, if you accidentally leave a word
your spell exchequer won¹t put it in you.
And God for billing purposes only
you should have serial problems with Tori Spelling
your spell Chekhov might replace a word
with one you had absolutely no detention of using.
Because what do you want it to douch?
It only does what you tell it to douche.
You¹re the one with your hand on the mouth going c**t, c**t, c**t.
It just goes to show you how embargo
one careless c**t of the mouth can be.

Which reminds me of this one time during my Junior Mint.
The teacher read my entire paper on A Sale of Two Titties
out loud to all of my assmates.
I¹m not joking, I¹m totally cereal.
It was the most humidifying experience of my life,
being laughed at pubically.

So do yourself a flavor and follow these two Pisces of advice:
One: There is no prostitute for careful editing.
And three: When it comes to proofreading,
the red p***s your friend.  

[Reeves]

xd Loved it.
Let's see...

A man is at work when his wife calls. "Honey, I'm very busy at work, what's the problem?" he asks.

The woman replies, "Look, I know it's weird to call you, but I need your help. I'm working on a puzzle and I just can't figure it out!"

"Okay, okay, maybe I can help you over the phone. What's the picture on the box?"

"Well, it's a picture of a tiger, but I just can't seem to figure it out."

The man tells her to sit tight until he gets home so he can help. When he arrives, he looks at the table, then his wife, groans, and says, "Honey, please put the Frosted Flakes back in the box."  

[Cheesy Nipplesv2]

Reeves, that one's like my Irish joke a while back. xd

What would happen if elephants could fly?

We'd all be in deep s**t.  

[Reeves]

xd Shoot, I didn't even notice.
My bad.
Sorry, nips.

Let's see, then, something not told...

A boy goes to school one day to hear one of his classmates say, "I know the best way to get things from people."

The boy, curious, asks how. The classmate replies, "Well, whenever I go up to someone and say, 'I know the whole truth,' good things happen to me. You should try it."

The boy is a bit skeptical, but he concludes that it's worth a shot. When his mom picks him up from school one day, he looks her straight in the eye and says, "I know the whole truth." In response, his mom gives him twenty dollars and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Surprised at his luck, the boy waits at home for his father to return from work. Then when he tells his father, "I know the whole truth," his father gives him fifty dollars and says, "Just don't tell your mother."

The boy is filled with joy at the idea of seventy dollars in his possession. He walks outside to see the mailman coming up the street and decides to try the trick again and says, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman drops his bags, holds out his arms, and says, "Then come give your father a big hug!"  

[Cheesy Nipplesv2]

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun.

He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.

But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE ******** DISHES"