The Joke Thread!

[Reeves]

The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' "

"That's awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I've taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God."

The next day, the madam brings her parrots to the priest's house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. "Hi, we're prostitutes," say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close that Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!"  

[Reeves]

A local beachgoer can't seem to get any of the ladies to notice him, so he goes up to a lifeguard for advice. The lifeguard takes one look at the beachgoer's swim trunks and shakes his head.

"Dude," he says, "those gnarly trunks are definitely out of style. So here's what you do. You get yourself a speedo - I'd say two sizes too small - and drop a potato inside it. Then I swear, you'll get all the babes you can handle."

The next weekend, the beachgoer returns to the beach with a very tight speedo and a potato dropped inside. However, he goes back to the lifeguard tower about an hour later and cries out, "Man, it's worse than before! Everywhere I walk, people look at me, but they're totally grossed out! Some of the hot chicks are even laughing at me!"

The lifeguard takes one look at the beachgoer's speedo, slaps himself on the forehead, and says, "Dude! The potato goes in front, man!"  

[Reeves]

Why do doctors make the best Jedi?

Because a Jedi must have patience.

May the fourth be with you all today!  

[Reeves]

A new CEO of a struggling company decides to fire all of the people he believes are slackers. One day, during a tour of the facilities, he is alarmed to see a young man propped up against a wall, seemingly doing nothing. Infuriated that one of his employees would not be working, the CEO marches up to him and demands what he is doing.

"I'm just waiting to get paid," the man replies.

"Oh, really?" roars the angry CEO. "And how much do you make a week?"

"Three hundred dollars, sir," the man replies. "Why?"

The CEO furiously writes a check for twelve hundred dollars and forks it over to the man. "Here's four weeks' worth of pay," he snapped. "Now get out of here and never come back."

Pocketing the check, the man leaves the office. The CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"

"Sure!" cries out someone from the other side of the room. "You just tipped the pizza delivery guy twelve hundred dollars!"  

[Reeves]

A man buys a new brand of condoms called Olympics, which come in gold, silver, and bronze colors. When he shows his wife, she asks, cheekily, "and what color condom will you be wearing tonight, then?"

"Gold, of course," the man proudly replies.

"Really? Why don't you wear silver?" asks his wife.

"Now why on Earth would I wear silver?"

"Because it would be nice if you came second for a change."  

[Reeves]

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He notices a monkey in a cage behind the bar and asks about it.

"You don't want to know," answers the bartender.

A few beers later, the guy says, "Come on, I gotta know what the deal is with the monkey."

"OK, I'll show you," says the bartender.

He takes the monkey out of the cage and whacks it on the head with a bat. The monkey immediately pulls down the bartender's pants and starts giving him a blow job. He looks at the guy and asks, "You want to try it?"

"Hell, yeah," says the guy. "But don't hit me that hard."  

[Reeves]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson," he says, "look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"And what does that tell you?" asks Holmes.

Watson ponders for a minute before responding. "Well, astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then snaps, "Watson, it tells me that someone has stolen our tent."  

[Reeves]

Four men go golfing one day. Three of them head to the first tee, and the fourth goes to take a leak. The three men start talking about their sons. The first man says, "My son is a home builder. He's so successful he built a house for his friend, free of charge."

The second man says, "My son owns a big car dealership. He's doing so well that he gave his friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."

Not to be outdone, the third man brags, "My son's a stockbroker. He gave a close buddy an entire portfolio."

The fourth man rejoins the group, and the first man asks, "How's your son doing these days?"

"Well, my son is gay, and he go-go dances in bars," the fourth man replies.

There's an awkward silence, but the man continues, "I'm not thrilled about his job, but he must be doing well. He's got a new house, a Mercedes, and an impressive stock portfolio."  

[Reeves]

A lady walks into a drugstore and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. When the pharmacist asks why, she explains that she wants to poison her husband.

"Absolutely not," says the pharmacist. "Buying cyanide in order to murder your husband is completely against the law. Not only would I lose my license, but we would also both be thrown in jail, and bad lots of things would happen to us. So, no, I'm afraid I cannot give you cyanide."

In response, the lady pulls a photograph out of her purse. The pharmacist recognizes his wife in the picture, in bed with the lady's husband.

"Oh," he says. "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."  

[Reeves]

A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened.

"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."

"And?" asked the doctor.

"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey! This one here looks like yours!'"  

[Reeves]

A man approaches a very beautiful and well-endowed woman in a supermarket.

"I've lost my girlfriend," he tells her. "Can you stand here and talk to me for a few minutes?"

"Sure, but I don't understand how that would help," she replies.

"Well," the man explains, "it seems like every time I talk to a woman with boobs like yours, my girlfriend appears out of nowhere."  

[Reeves]

A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.

"Looking at your résumé, I can see that you're more than qualified," says the interviewer. "Unfortunately, we can't have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can't hire you."

"But wait," says the man. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking."

"Then show me," replies the interviewer.

So the man reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colors before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.

"It's great you stopped winking," says the interviewer, "but we can't have our salesmen womanizing all over the country."

"What do you mean?" asks the man. "I'm happily married."

"How do you explain all the condoms?" asks the interviewer.

"Oh, that," sighs the man. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"  

[Whiskey Sunshine]

This fog should clear up soon, I'm banking on it.

wink  

[Reeves]

A man wished for his family to come into fame and fortune, so he devised a plan to make it happen. He went to his son and said, "My boy, I want you to marry a girl of my choice."

"No way!" cried his son.

"Well," his father replied, "what if she was the daughter of the world's richest man?"

The son thought about it and then said, "Okay, in that case, it's done."

Then the man went to see the world's richest man and said, "Sir, I wish for my son to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage."

"Hah!" scoffed the richest man. "What could your son possibly offer?"

"Well," the man replied, "he's the COO of the World Bank."

"Oh!" uttered the richest man. "In that case, it's done!"

Then the man went to see the president of the World Bank. He said, "Sir, I would like you to appoint my son as your COO."

"Outrageous!" shouted the president. "Absolutely not!"

To which the man replied, "Not even if he was the son-in-law of the world's richest man?"  

[Reeves]

A little boy is sitting on his grandfather's lap, watching him smoke a cigar. "Grandpa," he asks, "can I have a puff of your cigar?"

"Does your d**k touch your a*****e?" his grandfather asks.

"No," replies the little boy.

"Well," his grandfather says, "then you can't have my cigar."

The next day, the little boy is sitting on his grandfather's lap, watching him drink a beer. "Grandpa," he asks, "can I have a sip of your beer?"

"Does your d**k touch your a*****e?" his grandfather asks again.

"No," replies the little boy again.

"Well," his grandfather says, "then you can't have my beer."

The next day, the little boy is sitting on the porch, holding a plate of cookies. His grandfather walks up to him and asks, "Ooh, may I have a cookie?"

"Does your d**k touch your a*****e?" the little boy asks.

"Yes!" replies his grandfather.

"Well, then go ******** yourself," replies the little boy. "Grandma made these for me."