The Joke Thread!

[Reeves]

I cannot, for the life of me, remember if I already put this down, but either way, here it is:

A crowded flight is cancelled, and a frazzled agent must rebook a long line of inconvenienced travelers by herself. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushes to the front and demands to be on the next flight, first class.

The agent replies, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first. So please go back to the line and wait your turn."

The passenger screams, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

The gate agent grabs her public address microphone and announces, "May I have your attention, please? We have a passenger here who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 17."

The man grits his teeth and snarls, "******** you!"

The agent replies, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."  

[cheesy nipples]

The lesbians next door bought me a Rolex for my Birthday, I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.  

[Reeves]

Three rednecks find a genie in the usual rubbing-lamp fashion. The genie says he can transform them into whatever they so choose. All they have to do is run off a cliff and yell what they wish to be as soon as they are in the air.

The first redneck races toward the cliff, jumps off, and shouts, "Eagle!" before flying away. The second redneck quickly follows the first redneck's lead, leaps off the cliff, and yells, "Plane!" before he zooms off.

Then the third redneck races toward the cliff, only to trip on a rock, topple over the edge, and scream, "s**t!"  

[cheesy nipples]

Two cows standing in a field.
First cow says: Strange weather we've being having lately isn't it?
Second cow says: HOLY s**t A TALKING COW!  

[Reeves]

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's a** was that eye staring right back at him.

"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."  

[L Y Z Z A C I O U S` DB]

do yo momma jokes count?


Yo momma's like a brick: heavy and laid down by mexicans!  

[Reeves]

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."

The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After smoking a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."  

[cheesy nipples]

Why is life as a d**k so hard?

Your neighbors an a*****e and you're always followed around by a couple of nuts  

[Reeves]

A rabbit and a snake collided with one another while going through a forest. After apologizing to each other, the two realized that they had both been blind since birth. They became friends quickly and talked about their blindness.

"It's been hard for me," said the snake, "because since I was born blind, I have no idea what kind of animal I am. I mean, I have no sense of identity."

"Same here," said the rabbit, before he got an idea. "Hey, why don't you touch my body, and let me knew what kind of animal I am? And I'll do the same for you."

"That's a great idea!" said the snake, and he coiled around the rabbit in order to feel him. "Let's see...you're furry, you have a short fluffy tail, your nose is small and round, and you have long ears. You must be a rabbit!"

"I am? That's wonderful!" said the rabbit. Then he rubbed his paws all over the snake's body, touching its scales and tail.

"Well? What am I?" asked the snake.

"Well," said the rabbit, "you're very cold and scaly, your tongue is forked, you've got beady little eyes, and you slither and squirm a lot. You must be a lawyer!"  

[Nu Lucrezia]

I heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor... I am Pagliacci." Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.  

[Cheesy Nipplesv2]

Nu Lucrezia

I heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor... I am Pagliacci." Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.

Ain't that out of a film?
I'm sure I heard that on the TV the other day.  

[Nu Lucrezia]

Cheesy Nipplesv2

Nu Lucrezia

I heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor... I am Pagliacci." Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.

Ain't that out of a film?
I'm sure I heard that on the TV the other day.

I know there will be at least 2 people who get the reference
xp  

[cheesy nipples]

Nu Lucrezia

Cheesy Nipplesv2

Nu Lucrezia

I heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor... I am Pagliacci." Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.

Ain't that out of a film?
I'm sure I heard that on the TV the other day.

I know there will be at least 2 people who get the reference
xp

Oh, I remember where it's from now.  

[Reeves]

I think this joke is worthy of a loud *buh dum ksh*:

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"  

[Reeves]

A man walks into a diner and orders a burger and fries. After a while, the waitress arrives with his order, and he takes a big bite out of the hamburger. However, as he does so, he finds a long, dark hair in the meat.

"Waitress!" he calls. "There's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what's going on in this joint!"

The waitress allows the man to go into the kitchen, where the cook is working. The two watch as the cook takes each hamburger patty and flattens them underneath his armpit before putting them on the grill.

Repulsed, the man cries, "That is nasty!"

"You think that's nasty," replies the waitress, "you should see the way he makes donuts, bagels, and curly fries."