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She groaned, silently cursing whatever God that was listening that day. Why did they have to mess with her...hadn't Erik told them to stay away. He knew why she wanted to be alone. Yet there it was, a knock on her door and the calling of her assistant.

Jelena did feel half guilty about pusing everyone away. James she knew could entertain himself but Lilia was a different story. Jelena was supposed to be teaching her her job and she had more or less pawned her off on Erik...but she was just so unstable right now. She hated this time of year with a passion!

Kicking aside an empty icecream carton on the floor she walked over to teh door, not even bothering to make herself presentable and switched it to manual before pulling it open only about two inches. Dont' cry, don't look sad, just be static. "Yes Lilia can I help you?"

Jelena covered her face with her hands, trying to take a moment to compose herself. Everytime someone said anything to her that remotely resembled the 'we need you' aspect she had to fight to hold back tears. Why why why did they have to need her right now. Taking a shuddery breath she had gone to the desk to flip files...why couldn't she ask Erik? "Take the one to the Echo med bay, and you're feeding the Leviathan too often and too much. And I want that intern sent to Fein...perhaps a brain lapse is the cause of blatant disregard."

Of course her shutting the materials adn turning around she caught Lilia cleaning her room now. Why did people always clean her room. Though her hand reached to a certain picture on her desk that had been knocked over, setting it upright in almost reveared fashion. "Ask Erik for more techs and the like, he's gotten leave from FS right now."

Yup passing the buck to Erik, she couldn't work right now, she was too mentally and emotionally fragile. Had been popping Fein prescribed pills all week. Though then horror of horrors...she had to lay into her about people being worried about her. Jelena's hands fisted into her hair she plopped down on the edge of the bed, taking a slumped posture. They did this every year...same questions...same worries...same everything.

"It's nothing, nothing is wrong....I just need some time off is all." Her voice was a bit shakey. Please go away, don't ask and just go away, be a good little assistant and jsut leave, do your work, take a lunch break. "I'm completely fine, adn I'm prepared for my Board meeting." Oh yeah this would look good in front of Board...her crying as they repremanded her adn her not being able to help it. They would think she was crying because of them too...bastards.

"It's the Griffin. She's in the med bay and we can't figure out what is wrong with her. She's just...sick."

Lillia watched Jelena systematically break down in front of her and tried to wipe away her own tears. It was really hard to do. And Jelena crying only made her cry harder. She blinked and watched as Jelena began to root through things.

"Jelly...please tell me what it is. I don't like seeing you like this...please." It reminded her far too much of the way she had acted when she'd come back from Earth. She watned to help, she wanted to find out what was wrong. "Why are you hiding from everyone Jelly? And I know you are. Someone or something hurt you and did it badly. I know...because I was the same way."

A bit of silence for a moment and she said, "Maybe it might help if you talk about it..."

"I...I...I'll c-check her o-out." Oh man, broken speech as she searched for pills and was trying to keep her mind on one thing, but Lilia was pressing the issue wasn't she?

"It wasn't someone, or somthing! It was everybody! Every thing and everyone and thier stupid ideals and thoughts! They couldn't just stop and listen! They had to go assume they had to go call me God and twist my vision into something horrible! Had felt the need to stop me when I got grant for the cruiser and a ticket to Fleet!"

It was more of angry crying than sad crying as seh continued her search for those wonderful little repression pills. Fein always fought with her about them, but she demanded them none the less. It was something that Jelena didn't like rememering.

"Bastards took them from me, all of them. They did nothing wrong! It was about me! IT should of only been about me and they never should of been involved! I Should of just stayed away till I was supposed to leave! If I wasn't there then it never would of happened to them!" Oh look there they were.

"And you! You come in here asking what's wrong and you won't tell anyone what the hell is wrong with you and we've been asking for months. You play the happy sunshine act that everyone can see through." Damn top, come off the bottle already.

Erik sort of shurgged...he knew James was on the trail like a bloodhound but he had promised hsi best friend long ago that he wouldn't say anything. It was hers to deal with as she chose. He was left to be oscure about it. "s**t happens, people don't like to think about it." Though he gave a grin a bit. "Well good to know...they just needed the fear back in them." Then a nod. "She could probably use the backup even if she says she doesn't."

A look at Lilia and then at the bottle before taking it back and dumping two pills into her hand before setting the bottle down and starting to find herself a clean glass. Hm...clean glass, clean glass. Damn not doing dishes either.

"Fine if you'll leave me alone about it. My family...those damn people on earth. Murdered them all, tried to murder me, burned our house to the ground. They weren't even brave enough to do it face to face. No, they did it in the dead of night when we were all sleeping. I had just gotten accepted to fleet...I was scheduled to leave in a year. Three weeks later that happened. A week later, I was on my way to fleet under heavy guard to be Fleet's little charity case."

That was the short version of it. Though the pictures flashed in her mind all too easily. She hated seeing it, hated remembering it. Every detail that wouldn't go away. That was five years ago...and she couldn't get over it. She never would probably. "This week...was the anniversary of that....travesty...It's something I don't care to remember or talk about, I like to be left alone with my pills and my empty thoughts." Ah there was a glass...it was quickly filled with water from the tap and she popped her pills. Work fast, please work fast.

She started a little at being hugged. She was getting hugged? "I cry every year, and every year it doesn't help. There's no point." SHe was cryign now, but more from guilt than anything. Why did she have to do it, why did Lilia have to drag it out of her and make it all seem fresh? Work damn you pills...had it been fifteen minutes yet?

"You can say that all you want, but it is. I knew and they knew what my success brought, I told them I should of gone to a military base like I had been advised to...but they wanted me to stay with them." And they had paid the price...her little brother had only been nine. "Don't say your sorry, I don't need to hear it." And thusly she stepped away from Lilia to curl up in her bed, back to the other in her room.

"So you spill...you have work to get back to." Her medication would put her out of sorts soon enough anyway. Lilia's little tale would be the last thing she remembered for quite a few hours.