Top Hats and Martinis: Closed until the end of GGW

[The Solarised Night]

I want you and you alone

Following the prompt: I didn't really get a sense of fantasy nor horror. There were undertones of grit though

Characterisation and engaging properties: Jax was a really interesting character. You executed his tone brilliantly in this piece which had one of those old crime novella feels to it. The was very cynical and observant. I was really engaged by his character and it was leading me to hope for greater things.

Creativity and Originality: The hook was a little poor but the following 500 words or so managed to hook me in. The absolute killer of this story was the ending. The it-was-all-a-dream ending is so cliche, lazy, and just plain anti-climatic. You decided to cut it off at the most exciting part and tell us that nothing interesting ever happens to Jax; that it was all a bad dream. That's worse than reading a story that you know isn't great and not going to go anywhere, because you build up all of this excitement, suspense, and potential, then shattered it with the cowards way out of saying it was all just an illusion. ********.

Structure: Only minor structural issues, though Jax's tone seemed to become less prominent towards the end.

Entertainment: I really loved the slow build up and giving me the time to savour the simplicity that was Jax, but you butchered it with that ending asdfghjkl; classified_fu

[Chiseri]

Oh, when I said she woke up, I was trying to say that she was nothing/dormant until there finally was a reflection (i.e. the girl) that she could reflect. The doppelganger basically started out as a reflection in the mirror. By "hopping out", I meant hopping out of the mirror... These facts were supposed to be ambiguous at first, only to be revealed later in the story. Except I forgot to, OTL. I should have specified, my bad.

xD Thanks for the crit!

[huskies4EVER]

The Solarised Night

huskies4EVER

Following the prompt: This was more fantasy than horror. I didn't really get a chill from reading it.

Characterisation and Engaging properties: I don't know the protagonists name, her age, her desires or her historical context. I know nothing about her, other than she is a girl who can't sleep. This isn't really enough to build a relationship with her.

Creativity / originality: A lot of this piece was internal reflection and thought processes about things that aren't really relevant. Essentially, this piece was just a girl who couldn't sleep, being visited by a shadow on the wall and then she went back to sleep and dreamt about vague nightmares. It doesn't really stand out as unique

Structure: The repetition and rhetoricals were redundant. There were issues with tense between past and present tense. There was also a sense of discontinuity. The character says they have never seen a shadow move before and seem surprised, then they ask if the shadow is visiting again. Also, the explaination behind every thought and responce was also redundant such as explaining WHY she responded that way.

Entertainment: I didn't really find this entertaining. The plot development mostly occured as they were sleeping so I dont' really consider a lot to have happened. There could have been a lot more potential about where the character could hve gone with the shadow, but you chose the easy route of leaving them in their bed. The ending was also very vague and didn't really conclude anything.

The piece is actually about a person and their mirror counterpart. If I would put it into chronological order, it would be like:
-> Person gets trapped in mirror
-> Counterpart poses as person in real life
-> Person slowly gains back the memories the counterpart has taken away
-> Counterpart keep on deleting the person's memory each time she remembers
-> Repeat

Basically, the shadow is the counterpart, and the girl of the story unconsciously remembers that. Anyway. Thank you for the review. Horror is not my forte so I guess I'll continue practicing it! (_ _)

[Solar Reborn]

Chiseri

Oh, when I said she woke up, I was trying to say that she was nothing/dormant until there finally was a reflection (i.e. the girl) that she could reflect. The doppelganger basically started out as a reflection in the mirror. By "hopping out", I meant hopping out of the mirror... These facts were supposed to be ambiguous at first, only to be revealed later in the story. Except I forgot to, OTL. I should have specified, my bad.

xD Thanks for the crit!

Ah, I see. Yes, if it was intentional, it did need to be a little clearer.
I would have recorded my critique but I don't have a lot of time. I still have to read these other three

[Yutora]

Oh critiques!

surprised

[Ziarinaa]

The Solarised Night

Ziarinaa

Here is my entry:

Soar

Thank you for your feedback!!! I will use it to improve my writing!

[Solar Reborn]

Yutora

Oh critiques!

surprised

I'll get to yours soon(ish) one more essay due on friday then I'm free (until I have to start thinking about group work pieces due at the end of next month gonk )

[Yutora]

Solar Reborn

Yutora

Oh critiques!

surprised

I'll get to yours soon(ish) one more essay due on friday then I'm free (until I have to start thinking about group work pieces due at the end of next month gonk )

I don't mind the wait. Good luck with those group pieces, though.

Also, damn you, now I have to watch that movie!

[Solar Reborn]

Yutora

Solar Reborn

Yutora

Oh critiques!

surprised

I'll get to yours soon(ish) one more essay due on friday then I'm free (until I have to start thinking about group work pieces due at the end of next month gonk )

I don't mind the wait. Good luck with those group pieces, though.

Also, damn you, now I have to watch that movie!

haha it's a pretty great movie. Haven't seen it in ages though

[Yutora]

Neithr have I, and yep, I've always liked the movie!

[Solar Reborn]

poop hit the fan

Following the prompt: This story did have a dark theme of child abuse but the fantasy element was quite poor

Characterisation and engaging properties: Belle's characterisation was mostly delivered through the narrator's observations rather than the character's actions. I did find the narration quite overt, which I enjoy, but I feel as if it could have been delivered much more effectively. The child abuse was quite alarming in an engaging way, but I feel that it's kind of text-book. This piece neither displays the rawness of someone who has actually experiences/witnessed such an event, nor does it show the dynamics of someone who has researched the effects of child abuse. I think that it was far too short and not thoroughly researched.

Structure: You have a few fragmented sentences and the dialogue isn't correctly formatted. You also repeat images too frequently such as "angry" and "dark" -- use a thesaurus or a new image.

Creativity / Originality: Little girl has an abusive parent - cliche. The narration style was very similar to the book thief though not as well executed. The ending was just a mess and didn't really add closure to anything -- it was abrupt and unnecessary.

Entertainment value: I didn't really find this entertaining at all. Plot and character development are key issues you need to address

[Solar Reborn]

Yutora

Following the prompt: I'll give it to you. It was horrifying and clearly a fantasy. Not quite what I was expecting but in a good way

Structure: Nothing really stood out to me as wrong. There might be a few minor errors but nothing of serious issue. I think maybe the introduction imagery could have been a little clearer because I was very confused about what was going on.

Creativity / Originality: I haven't seen anything quite like it though it does kind of remind me of a part of Being Human (a character who drowns himself and has to live out purgatory constantly drowning/ replaying his death) and a little bit like a lover's-cliff type story (suicides off a cliff into the waves). But it's different. Sort of like asylum / institutionalised by the devil.

Characterisation: It was fairly strong, though mostly done through psychonarration and thoughts rather than action and dialogue - though the latter two were still there.

Entertainment: I'd find this more entertaining if I had a better understanding about what was going on lol It's not your best work in my opinion, but it was interesting.

[Solar Reborn]

jellykans

Following the prompt: I can see vague fantasy elements but the horror isn't visible. The fantasy needed to be a lot more refined I think and one of the driving parts of the plot, not just a fleeting hint at shape-shifting.

Structure: There were spelling errors all over this short piece. Please use spell check next time you submit. You had a lot of run on sentences as well as fragments. The imagery wasn't as strong as it needed to be either, making the piece a little confusing and hard to grasp.

Originality: I think that this isn't really a complete story. It swiftly changes from three different perspectives and doesn't really tell a tale. We see Myst come out from the sea and go hunting then she is in the market selling cactus' and haggling. It didn't really have much cohesion to it.

Entertainment: I think there needed to be more happening, more plot, more action, more imagery and more characterisation.

[Yutora]

Solar Reborn

Never watched that show. Is it good? But thank you for the feedback (:

[Solar Reborn]

Yutora

Solar Reborn

Never watched that show. Is it good? But thank you for the feedback (:

yeah being human is pretty great. I've heard the british version might be better but im so used to the american one.