The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2370 ]
I add new things.	14.7%	[ 1993 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.8%	[ 9169 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13532 ]

[Minion Ripley]

Tavreynya

You can write characters who are smarter than you very easily, by having them spout a lot of really long words. It's best if you have no idea what they're saying. Because there isn't the slightest chance that any of your readership will know any of those words, honest to Bob.

Scientific words are best. In fact, your character should never refer to anything so simply such as a "daisy" and the like; they should always refer to it as "Chrysanthemum leucanthemum" instead, and ditto for the rest. And, no, this will never get odd looks, for we all know that smart people (even just moderately smart people) do this constantly. And, since scientific names are so confusing (and research, as we all know it, is so last week), how about just making those words up instead? It's so much quicker, and, really, no one will ever notice or think something's up, not even in the slightest.

[Khalista]

((Squee! The website idea is brilliant!))

If your main character sets out on a quest, they never get wrong or misleading directions unless the Bad Guy is purposefully setting them on a false trail. They will always be in exactly the right place at the right time to recieve that crypic bit of information that will get them where they want to be. Legends are never wrong about that sort of thing. It's not like they change over time or anything.

And always, the Hero gets whatever it was s/he was out looking for. It's never silly or disappointing or (gasp) just a story, because who'd want to read about people failing, huh?

[AgainstMyBetterJudgment]

(This thread roxers my boxers uberly)

1. Running out of ammunition simply is not done. Well... occasionally a minor henchman will be forced to reload in the face of your hero's superior onslaught, demonstrating just how weak and pathetic they are. Misfires and hanging duds don't exist. Oh, and infinite arrows come gratis as well.

2. Anyone can throw a knife through the throat of a running target at a hundred paces, even if it isn't balanced for throwing. Even your grandmother can do it. Seriously.

3. Characters never need to eat. Or urinate. Or defecate. Or wash their clothes. Or do their hair in the morning. Or scratch an itch. Or sweat, except when it's sexy. Or cough, except as a precursor to sudden death. Or sleep, except after sex.

4. All henchmen/evil soldiers dress in exactly the same ridiculous clothing and carry the same inefficient weaponry and couldn't hit a barn if they were standing inside one. +30 old-school points if they are all robots.

5. Weak characters/healers/love interests will never be attacked by henchmen. It's impolite, and every henchman knows this, even though said henchmen couldn't count to five if you spotted them on finding their own fingers. Villians can grab them and point weapons at them whilst monolauging, just to make the hero angst.

6. The only weapon your hero would ever consider carrying is a sword. Maces/polearms/axes, etc.; it's just not done. And it must be massive. And have a name, and be the subject of legends and prophecies, and the very sight of it will cause his/her enemies to fall to their knees in awe. Duh, only the hero can wield it, 'cause they were born that way.

7. Remember: big-a** swords=major phallic symbols!! If your character is male, you the writer must use his weapon of choice as leverage to get him even more chicks, which he will either shag mercilessly, or gloss over, the advances of anyone other than his true love being incomprehensible to him. If your character is female, than she will be forced to use it to beat off those overzealous men - or she can bang them all senseless like the shameless hussy she is.

8. Leads can have sex indefinately. Never mind what they told you in sex ed about men needing a break - copulate! copulate! copulate!

9. Heroes are never drenched in other people's blood. It's uncool.

10. Wounds received by good guys are always superficial and extremely painful. No one wants to see someone's lungs fill up with liquid or anything, right? Remember: angst!

11. Death is negotiable.

12. Everyone in fantasy worlds is on the pill. True fact.

[The Dangerous Type]

-You're characters have no need for parental figures of any sort. By all means, let the hormonal teenagers run around and still manage to have plenty of money without a job, and manage to be perfectly fine and angsty! You can never have enough independence or angst.

-The heroine can't get pregnant, even though she's banging every smexy guy in the novel. Because she's that cool.

-There's nothing wrong with a perfect character. But, just in case, let's give him/her a traumatic past so s/he can angst about it.

[KiwiOfDestruction]

Awai Megami

-The heroine can't get pregnant, even though she's banging every smexy guy in the novel. Because she's that cool.

If the heroine does get pregnant, they must die giving birth to another heroine exactly like them who ages 17 years in the space of two days.

[KiwiOfDestruction]

AgainstMyBetterJudgment

6. The only weapon your hero would ever consider carrying is a sword. Maces/polearms/axes, etc.; it's just not done. And it must be massive. And have a name, and be the subject of legends and prophecies, and the very sight of it will cause his/her enemies to fall to their knees in awe. Duh, only the hero can wield it, 'cause they were born that way.

Unless the main character lives in a forest, in which case they have to have a bow and arrow. The quiver of arrows must be completely invisible to neutral-to-evil people and must have a never-ending supply of arrows. +15 bonus points if the character made it himself/herself. Oh, and they must get the bullseye every time. Who wants to read about someone imperfect?

[KiwiOfDestruction]

Auras are awesome!

It is not a "forehead" it is a "brow".

Lust is either "love" or "passion".

One-night stands are what it's all about.

[Ryu_chan]

KiwiOfDestruction

Awai Megami

-The heroine can't get pregnant, even though she's banging every smexy guy in the novel. Because she's that cool.

If the heroine does get pregnant, they must die giving birth to another heroine exactly like them who ages 17 years in the space of two days.

Bonus points if the mother dies in the process, thus providing the daughter a lifetime of angst-material!!!

[timechaser]

No one ever dies of old age. Not even old wizards who have been around forever. Everyone must die unnatural deaths.

[wingnut the improbable]

timechaser

No one ever dies of old age. Not even old wizards who have been around forever. Everyone must die unnatural deaths.

Bonus points if your character dies of a "broken heart". Nobody will roll their eyes. Nobody rolleyes

[Xiraes]

Hmm... there have been so many, er, good ideas here already, but I'll give it a shot:

Remember, readers don't like complex characters, they should have stereotypical/cliched/simple personalities. On that note, bear in mind that characters cannot be neutral- they will be either pure good or pure evil (No redeeming qualities or faults!). Also the hero and heroine will be dead-sexy, and this will be mentioned several times, as well as countless scenes where villains or minor characters try to bang her, but the hero must win out in the end. Don't forget long, drawn out fluffy love scenes!

Readers don't like surprises either, and if you're looking for popularity, it's good to rip off an already best-seller, like Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter. Keep your plot simple and predictable.

Angst! Don't forget angst! You need readers to sympathize with the character*, so the more horrible tragedy the better. It starts in childhood with either dead or abusive parents, and don't forget to have them ostracized by society. Or maybe make them a slave with a cruel master, and, if it's a femal character, sexually abused, since everyone wants to hear about this, especially in detail. You can also make the tragedy over-the-top and unrealistic.

To tie this all in: Don't leave out the scene where the character is crying over his/her horrible past in the middle of the night, and the love interest comes in and asks what's wrong, resulting in a tedious flashback, and possibly later, sex.

*This is actually a good idea- you do want reader's to sympathize, just don't listen to the crap about angst

[ptthb]

Your main character should always be impossibly talented, painfully wonderful, and generally loved by all. Flaws should be nonexistent.

[Slicey]

MinionRipley

Tavreynya

You can write characters who are smarter than you very easily, by having them spout a lot of really long words. It's best if you have no idea what they're saying. Because there isn't the slightest chance that any of your readership will know any of those words, honest to Bob.

Scientific words are best. In fact, your character should never refer to anything so simply such as a "daisy" and the like; they should always refer to it as "Chrysanthemum leucanthemum" instead, and ditto for the rest. And, no, this will never get odd looks, for we all know that smart people (even just moderately smart people) do this constantly. And, since scientific names are so confusing (and research, as we all know it, is so last week), how about just making those words up instead? It's so much quicker, and, really, no one will ever notice or think something's up, not even in the slightest.

(( You know a character that does that could be quite enjoyable for comic relief xD *notes it down* ))

Characters don't need to eat or rest, they can travel along quite happily on a diet of cheesy one liners and baddy arse woopin - they should only ever make camp when your herione and hero are going to have sex otherwise don't bother.

[^B()()GZ^]

bump

[Tavreynya]

All songs should sound remarkably like modern pop tunes - the more insipid, the better. After all, if music existed "way back when," and it still exists now, what reason have we to believe it's changed at all?