Icarus's Notebook

[Siyaahi]

ɪᴄᴀʀᴜs ᴅᴏᴍɪᴛᴏʀ -- ᴊᴏᴜʀɴᴀʟ

A moleskin with blue ink smeared across the edges of the paper. The handwriting is neat and small. After the fourth entry, it seems to be written in italian.

ᴀʀᴄs

o1. Venting before I actually start recording things
o2. (Untitled)

[Siyaahi]

o1. Venting before I actually start recording things



Forgot this was in my suitcase.

It's been my first week of Merlin. It's, well...an interesting school. But it's no good. He's found me. He already got my number. I'm sure he's already pinpointed my location through my phone.

I'll have to leave after this year. He said he'll give me that long before he's coming to fetch me.

At least nobody's noticed yet. I think I'll stay away from bright lights, just in case.

[Siyaahi]

o3.

Ian is alive

he's probably going to get hexed again soon or whatever

gilrin and scarlett are getting along nicely. I wish i had been able to go with them across the country maybe then I wouldn't be feeling so left out all the time
bro was right i am getting left behind but I dont really know what to do about it I don't know what to say to make anyone feel better like Scarlett always does.

i dont know. im not really their friend and it just feels like Im always trying to catch up to the three of them every time we go somewhere and all I'm good for is 'that'.

Even when I'm not trying to use the stupid purpose I was made for I end up being used for it anyways

I guess that's the only thing im ever gonna be good for. and Iapyx is right, if they find out they're gonna hate me. i hate me. the only one who would ever be able to accept the type of person I really am is bro

and it's my fault he's like this so I dont really deserve luck or to resist him

he was really, really, really happy today when I asked him to hold the feed for the chicks. then i had to go and smash my phone and make him angry again

he Broke my left foot as punishment and didnt heal it back all the way

going three towns over just to see ian wasnt worth it it really hurts I don't know why I keep defying him when he's all im ever going to have even if i reject myself or try to be a 'better' person and I know it's making him angry that im acting like this

i dont want to be dad's successor anymore. i wish i could just sleep and sleep and sleep and just never wake up

iapyx said the next time I do something so absolutely stupid he'll kill the chicks next. he said they're making me distracted from my real goal like the alley cat I took in when we were kids
i pretended to act surprised when he told me and i feel so guilty i feel so so guilty everything is my fault and im disgusting

he said im lucky that I have that tracking chip in my molar still and he said that he'll figure out where to place the next ones so I can't smash them like my phone

gilrin told me to do whatever I can to keep myself safe but I cant. he's the one who is keeping me safe. I know I can stop him but I cant because i made him like this and it's my fault and I deserve it besides he only means the best for me I know that I just

my foot really, really hurts

I wish i could talk to somebody but i cant. i just cant. writing about it just makes it worse, I dont know why Im doing this, im not going to do this.

everything except the bones and muscles is mostly healed so ill be ok I deserve this for making him angry

[Siyaahi]

o4.

(this entry seems to have shifted from english to italian.)

Well. None of my housemates seem to have found my journal, so it's safe to assume I can write honestly here. Not that it matters anymore.

I snapped at Ian today, who returned, and ended up breaking the farce in the mean time. Everyone was surprisingly reassuring, and I talked a bit about myself, but it felt strange to show myself for who I really am. I also think I've lost whatever trust I might have managed to garner, which is a bit upsetting in itself.

I feared being entirely isolated, but the opposite happened. I think it was just for damage control, though.

Scarlett was afraid of me, as predicted. Even she seemed convinced that it was better if I just act like myself, though.

...I don't really know what that is. But I do know a constant faker like me is terrible, and that I don't deserve anybody's trust. It's understandable.

It's still lonely, though.

Maybe I'll finally muster up the courage to send Samos a letter. He told me to keep in touch, for some odd reason, but even now I don't know what I would say to him.

I don't know who I am.

[Siyaahi]

o5.


Spent the day studying inside the Dining Hall to bump my grades up. There's no use in holding myself back anymore, but I still need to refresh my skills. Also, it feels nice to study again, even if it reminds me of the past.

Created a new theory for Ian's situation. Scarlett wants to help him out so I will to. She seems to have warmed up a bit to me, I think, but I'm far from regaining anybody's trust and I doubt I ever really will be able to in the first place.

Talked to Shanta for a bit. She was quite pleasant.

Had to leave today to go to Iapyx's. Gave Gilrin the chicks because I figured I would stop by the library first to put the textbooks back. She made a comment about them being big and Shanta said that next year they'll be adults chasing after me.

What a nice ideal world that would be, being able to stay in Merlin and keep the chicks. But there is no suitable place for them here, and I have to give them back to my grandparents before me and Iapyx return to Italy. He told me when I visited him today that we're going to go back to Chicago first to get revenge on our aunt. He doesn't know I know where she is.

He was still quite angry. He bullied me a bit as usual and reminded me that he was the only one who would ever be able to stay by my side, and that I should stop trying to attach myself to people who don't hold me to the same importance. ...I already know all of that, though.

Iapyx gave me a new phone and healed my foot (and the injuries of today) up. I clinged to him a bit and cried. He seemed pleased, at least. It's good that he's happy. I can't refuse him anyways. Not when I have to depend on him for everything.

Gilrin suggested I get it healed by Naomi's mother. What a joke. Like I want to get broken even more. Still, I just told her thanks for the idea and went off. I'll just slowly quiet down about everything so they forget. Honestly, all they have to worry about is Ian's business. Though Gilrin seems unwilling to get involved now, which I can understand.

When we go to Chicago, I think I'll see Samos. That's the only self indulgence I'm allowing myself. Then I'll...leave Merlin, I guess.