Things no DM wants to hear.

[The Hylian Bard]

Bump

[Dr-Nooooooooooooooo]

Our DM gave me a weapon that owns vampires, and sure enough, we fought a vampire. I got initiative and hit him hard, then my fighter friend hit him of measly damage. But wait, I had Opportunist! I had a critical with my attack of opportunity and this supposedly strong vampire turned to ash, as he did so, my DM role played him as saying "I DIDN'T GET TO DO ANYTHING!" as he died, and all of us had a hearty laugh (except for the DM, of course)

[Serial No. 89757]

{~*.+.*~}

Hmmm well our new DM... he didn't exactly know what was going on... so yeah I was playing a Brass Dragon Wrymling and my friend was playing a White dragon Wrymling ... I had somehow gotten a hold of a Dryad's face... and was hanging onto the thing's face for dear life since the Dryad was trying to get me off...... and the conversation went as thus.

"Hey! you want the jewel in my stomach?" (I had previously swallowed a gem thing that we had to deliver)
"No! I don't want it!"
"Well I can crap it out any time you know!"
"ew! That's gross!"
"Well I can barf it out too!"
"That's gross too!"
"hey at least it's not as gross as crap!"
"... Point taken..."
"So you want me to crap it out or barf it out?!"
"NEITHER!"

And so on and so forth XD

{~*.+.*~}

[Little Odessa]

After the players(including myself and two others)have examined an abandoned temple they find on the alter a chalice and huge horde. In the chalice has a very large still beating heart. We find a trap door under the horde we open it up. It's a very large one. We climb down to see what's in this giant hole..

DM: "You see a massive two headed dragon from the tapestry in the temple. Spot checks."
Players Roll and give their results.
DM: "You notice a gaping hole inside the chest of this dragon."
Me: "I climb out of the hole."
Others: "I follow."
Me: "I go the chalice and get the heart."
DM: "What?"
Me: "Yeah. And I push it down into the pit."
DM: "Wait. Why?"
Me: "I'm gunna push the heart into that gaping hole...Yeah so I climb down there and do that."
DM: "..." Rolls percentile dice. "..."
Me: "Well?"
DM: "Congratulations. You just awoke a Dragon god..and he doesn't kill you."
Me: "Nice! I got get that black dragon wyrmling that I have tied up and caged and offer it to the dragon god."

My druid was a bit left wing and had a HUGE thing for dragons.

[Ira the great]

DM: ok, you run into a hoard of 10 zombies.
ME: i use... ummmmm... my vorpal sword, instant kill if i hit...
DM: roll for it.
ME: (rolls dice on i 1d20 roll) hey DM does a 20 hit?

lets just say i ended up killing all of them, they were protecting a dragon, i criticled the dragon and killed it too...

[Ambrosia Sharp]

"Can I have a gunblade?"

[Seung Mina56]

eika star forge

Lord Ranyb

Seung Mina56

Gaijin32

Seung Mina56

I prefer sneak attacking with a siege weapon. XD

Wait, wait, wait...

You're gonna backstab him...with a ballista???! eek

"Yes, with a f'in seige weapon!"

More like backblast, or backrape.

Backstab would be understating it. =]

Can't even imagine using that with a called shot to the nuts...or the buttox for that matter.

So a called shot to the butt nuts? XD

[Rockwarrior v2.0]

after killing a couple tarrasaques, "is that the best you got?"

[Lawdy Might]

"Does a 39 hit?"(I have a +19 bow and got a crit) 3nodding

[ChajiMonster]

The_Shodow_King

DM: ok, you run into a hoard of 10 zombies.
ME: i use... ummmmm... my vorpal sword, instant kill if i hit...
DM: roll for it.
ME: (rolls dice on i 1d20 roll) hey DM does a 20 hit?

lets just say i ended up killing all of them, they were protecting a dragon, i criticled the dragon and killed it too...

Huh? Zombies are immune to crits and Vorpal only works for twenties now (it worked for all crits before, though :/).

Also, my friends and I have done insta-killing of a lot of "hard" monsters too XD

[TrulyCapricious]

"I attack the gazeebo!"

[Angrod]

Mine is one the players do not like to hear.

"DM - Dose anyone have anymore D6 dice I need a few more"
"Players - But you already have 8"
"DM - Yea but i need 6 more"

[Yui_hime]

Angrod

Mine is one the players do not like to hear.

"DM - Dose anyone have anymore D6 dice I need a few more"
"Players - But you already have 8"
"DM - Yea but i need 6 more"

I'd say to just roll 7d6 and multiply by two.

My DM hates it when I call a Reflex Save because I usually make it, whether it's for a trap, falling off a cliff, or a dragon's breath weapon-- and I usually take a class with Evasion as a feature, so I NEVER take damage. He can throw ANYTHING at me and I'll pull through with a Reflex Save.

[Kalonus]

Were in a large city the party consists of
Me-Oriental Ninja.
Friend 1-Blackgaurd
Friend 2-Monk
Friend 3-Succubus

This is how the second session started.
DM-Ok you escape the sewer and arrive at the back of a old tavern what do you do now.
I turn to the succubus and ask."Can you give me a lift the the top of the gaurd tower."
The succubus agrees and then the rest of the session is watching the single ninja assasinate every gaurd in that tower including the captain of the city watch.

[Sten_Marcel]

"I want to play a character named pun-pun."

Dm: Okay. roll your stats.

"twenty four hours later, a god is born"