cherry144
(?)Community Member
- Posted: Fri, 24 Aug 2007 18:49:23 +0000
Alright, as you may have guessed already, I will now post the first page or so of one of my stories. YOU tell me if I should continue, edit it a little or just give up, andthere will be places where I need YOU to create a scene, so I can go on from there. Critisism allowed and welcome, as harsh as you like, but remember, there is a difference between CRITIQUE and INSULTS!! 3nodding
Banished
KYUUN! BSHH!!! FWA-ZACK!
"Oh, no, now look at what you've done, Brigid!"
"Me? It's Reina's fault this time!"
"You've got to be kidding. This has Kathryn's name all over it!"
Three teenage girls stood around a black, smoking machine. A gaping hole went through it and out the other side; a spiderweb crack in the glass behind it showed that the object of destruction was still inside the room. Kathryn walked behind the machine a bent down, snatching the colorful orb before her friends could get ahold of it. "At least this one's not damaged," she said.
Reina snorted. That Kathryn, always so optimistic and childish about the gravest of things, she thought. "It doesn't matter if that thing is intact, and you know it. This machine was Dad's pride and joy, and WE reuined it!"
"Naturally you would think so, Reina. You're always for teamwork," Brigid said in mockery. "One thing is sure, and it's that I had nothing to do with it. It was all your guys' faults." She crossed her arms and looked away, shaking her head. Her short, lavender hair whipped her face with every shake, but she shook it out of her way.
Kathryn twirled a lock of her her blond, pink-highlaighted hair. "So...what are going to do?"
"We'll fix it, what else?" Reina replied. She got on her knees and examined the machine.
"How? We don't even know what it does," Kathryn protested.
"Yeah, why don't you two get on with it, already? I'll be in my room, listening to hard-core music," Brigid said, turning away. She pretended to leave, but stayed around, hiding behind a corner.
Reina was on it in an instant. She brushed a piece of red hair out of her eyes and looked at its components. "It looks to me that it's used for moving pictures," she said after a while.
Kathryn laughed. "Yeah, right. 'Moving pitures', my foot! There's no way something that small could produce TV screens."
"No, really. It was on when we busted it. See, look." She pulled out apage of paper, blank. Moving into the deeper part of the machine, she pulled out a paper with a small movie chip in the center of it. Then the finished product, a moving picture of a woman kissing the screen. "Eww," she said, dropping it on Kathryn's feet.
She picked it up. "'This could be you. Get laid tonight for no extra cost when presenting this coupon.' Sounds gross," she said, placing it back in the 'finished' tray on the machine.
"I can't understand it, sir, we still haven't found out where that noise came from." A voice thickly coated with a Brittish accent was heard from downstairs.
"It leaves us with only one room to check: the girls' room," the second man said with a sigh in his voice.
Brigid forgot all about her pretending not to be there. "Come on, let's get out of here before Dad and Winston catch us!" she whisper-yelled.
Kathryn ran to her, dropping the round object that broke the machine, and into the catacomb below the third floor stairs. "Are you coming?" she asked Reina, who was slowly standing up.
She shook her head. "No, I should stay here. One of us should take the blame; otherwise all of us will be punished," she said with a sigh, like she had done many times before. It was always the same story with the three of them: Brigid and Kathryn would hide, while Reina would take the blame. Of course, their father knew that it all three of them, so their punishment would be even more severe than if all three had confessed. Reina planted her feet in front of the press and waited for John and Winston to come up.
"Are you crazy? Come on!" Brigid whisper-yelled again. Reina refused to move. "Jeez, I have to do everything myself aroundhere, don't I?" the goth said. She walked over to her friend and started pushing her. Reina had no intention to move, so she didn't, no matter how hard Brigid pushed. "Man, you are a bull!" she said, refering to Reina's zodiac, Tarus the bull.
"Move! Move! Move!" Kathryn said, coming out of hiding, trying to get Reina to move. They heard footsteps, but Reina held firm. Brigid sighed and stood next to her. "You're both crazy!" Kathryn said, truning around. She walked right into Winston. He looked very grim. "That's not good, is it?" she said shakily, scampering back to her friends.
John appeared from the stairs behind his butler. "I have a feeling something's...amiss," he said, quickly scanning the room. His eyes widened as his gaze rested on the smoking machine in the corner.
Reina stood up straighter. Whatever the punishment is, she thought, we're all in it. Together.
------------
And there you have it, the [edited] first page or so to my new story. 3nodding
ninja -cherry
Part three up! Scroll down, people!
Banished
KYUUN! BSHH!!! FWA-ZACK!
"Oh, no, now look at what you've done, Brigid!"
"Me? It's Reina's fault this time!"
"You've got to be kidding. This has Kathryn's name all over it!"
Three teenage girls stood around a black, smoking machine. A gaping hole went through it and out the other side; a spiderweb crack in the glass behind it showed that the object of destruction was still inside the room. Kathryn walked behind the machine a bent down, snatching the colorful orb before her friends could get ahold of it. "At least this one's not damaged," she said.
Reina snorted. That Kathryn, always so optimistic and childish about the gravest of things, she thought. "It doesn't matter if that thing is intact, and you know it. This machine was Dad's pride and joy, and WE reuined it!"
"Naturally you would think so, Reina. You're always for teamwork," Brigid said in mockery. "One thing is sure, and it's that I had nothing to do with it. It was all your guys' faults." She crossed her arms and looked away, shaking her head. Her short, lavender hair whipped her face with every shake, but she shook it out of her way.
Kathryn twirled a lock of her her blond, pink-highlaighted hair. "So...what are going to do?"
"We'll fix it, what else?" Reina replied. She got on her knees and examined the machine.
"How? We don't even know what it does," Kathryn protested.
"Yeah, why don't you two get on with it, already? I'll be in my room, listening to hard-core music," Brigid said, turning away. She pretended to leave, but stayed around, hiding behind a corner.
Reina was on it in an instant. She brushed a piece of red hair out of her eyes and looked at its components. "It looks to me that it's used for moving pictures," she said after a while.
Kathryn laughed. "Yeah, right. 'Moving pitures', my foot! There's no way something that small could produce TV screens."
"No, really. It was on when we busted it. See, look." She pulled out apage of paper, blank. Moving into the deeper part of the machine, she pulled out a paper with a small movie chip in the center of it. Then the finished product, a moving picture of a woman kissing the screen. "Eww," she said, dropping it on Kathryn's feet.
She picked it up. "'This could be you. Get laid tonight for no extra cost when presenting this coupon.' Sounds gross," she said, placing it back in the 'finished' tray on the machine.
"I can't understand it, sir, we still haven't found out where that noise came from." A voice thickly coated with a Brittish accent was heard from downstairs.
"It leaves us with only one room to check: the girls' room," the second man said with a sigh in his voice.
Brigid forgot all about her pretending not to be there. "Come on, let's get out of here before Dad and Winston catch us!" she whisper-yelled.
Kathryn ran to her, dropping the round object that broke the machine, and into the catacomb below the third floor stairs. "Are you coming?" she asked Reina, who was slowly standing up.
She shook her head. "No, I should stay here. One of us should take the blame; otherwise all of us will be punished," she said with a sigh, like she had done many times before. It was always the same story with the three of them: Brigid and Kathryn would hide, while Reina would take the blame. Of course, their father knew that it all three of them, so their punishment would be even more severe than if all three had confessed. Reina planted her feet in front of the press and waited for John and Winston to come up.
"Are you crazy? Come on!" Brigid whisper-yelled again. Reina refused to move. "Jeez, I have to do everything myself aroundhere, don't I?" the goth said. She walked over to her friend and started pushing her. Reina had no intention to move, so she didn't, no matter how hard Brigid pushed. "Man, you are a bull!" she said, refering to Reina's zodiac, Tarus the bull.
"Move! Move! Move!" Kathryn said, coming out of hiding, trying to get Reina to move. They heard footsteps, but Reina held firm. Brigid sighed and stood next to her. "You're both crazy!" Kathryn said, truning around. She walked right into Winston. He looked very grim. "That's not good, is it?" she said shakily, scampering back to her friends.
John appeared from the stairs behind his butler. "I have a feeling something's...amiss," he said, quickly scanning the room. His eyes widened as his gaze rested on the smoking machine in the corner.
Reina stood up straighter. Whatever the punishment is, she thought, we're all in it. Together.
------------
And there you have it, the [edited] first page or so to my new story. 3nodding
ninja -cherry
Part three up! Scroll down, people!