Frantic [Prologue] Critique please? | First Page | Forum

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koi19

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Post: 67820253_1 created on Sat, 11 Dec 2010 21:38:39 +0000
Posted: Sat, 11 Dec 2010 21:38:39 +0000

This is only the prologue. I'm not starting this story quite yet [as I'm still working on Identical and several others] but I am looking for feedback on the prologue. The prologue is in third person, the rest of the story will likely be in first person.
All work as of post #2 belongs to Koi19 Kalilah Baker
Please do not repost without permission.

As I don't think I can write this on my own, I'll be looking for co-authors if I ever get around to starting the dang thing.

I also have a slight tense problem, I can catch most things but... do feel free to point out anything I miss.

Quote:

Teaser: Is your heart pounding? Mind racing? Head whirling? Welcome to Frantic...

Summary: Frantic, the latest hot nightclub, has become the scene of several murders since it's opening, yet people continue to flock to it's door open doors - they just can't get enough. Rumor has it that the atmosphere is tainted with an untraceable, experimental new super drug. A small special forces investigation team is sent in after local police fail to find any leads. Will they uncover the club's secrets or will Frantic claim them in it's growing list of victims?

Finish later. Next post, yes?

koi19

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Post: 67820253_2 created on Sat, 11 Dec 2010 21:38:52 +0000
Posted: Sat, 11 Dec 2010 21:38:52 +0000

The parking lot is cold.
Copyright Koi19. Please do NOT repost without permission or steal.
She slumps against the back of the building, feeling the pounding bass from within thrum through her body.

The parking lot is cold as she takes deep, gasping breaths on the tiny sidewalk that runs the length of the building.

She regrets slipping out the back door for a quick smoke and some air; she hadn't even told anyone she was leaving. The alcohol induced haze that had encouraged her to do so gone now, driven from her body by the adrenaline that was leaking from her with the slowing of her heartbeat.
Copyright Koi19. Please do NOT repost without permission or steal.
The parking lot is too cold for the middle of July.

She shivers with each shallow breath she takes, sliding along the wall until there's no room left to slide.

She remembers it, it was just moments ago. Stepping into the heat of the night, fishing into her bra for her lighter and small cigarette case. Taking small, measured puffs so it lighted just the way she liked. Sighing as she got a decent dose of nicotine and moving unsteadily away from the door as it opened and someone stepped out, much like she had. Sending a small smile at the person who, oddly enough, was shrouded in shadow as they leaned against the wall. Not unusual since it was nighttime, but highly out of place in the brightly illuminated parking lot.

She giggled the thought away as she turned to watch the smoke unfurl into the air.

And that's when the summer heat faded away.

The parking lot is so cold.
Copyright Koi19. Please do NOT repost without permission or steal.
She struggled, fought to get away from the pain. It was too late though, all she could do was stumble into the wall.

God, if there was a God, He wouldn't let her die - not here, not like this. No, she would live to tell about this, to identify her attacker, to stop them. She swung her gaze to the person looming over her as she slid to a kneeling position, clutching her stomach. There was so much pain.

Standing took too much energy and the parking lot is so cold.

But, she'd been right before - the person was dark. No characteristics, no odd mannerisms, she couldn't even tell if it was a man or woman.

That b*****d stepped closer then, calm and looking as though he - he? - hadn't just plunged a knife into her back. He knelt until their eyes met and smiled.

She blinked to get away from those eyes - those taunting, mocking eyes, willing her to die - and then, he was gone.

It hadn't happened, she tells herself. She'd had too much to drink.

But one reality remains constant as her shivers slow.
Copyright Koi19. Please do NOT repost without permission or steal.
The parking lot is cold.

scrutyni

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Post: 67820253_3 created on Sat, 11 Dec 2010 22:38:19 +0000
Posted: Sat, 11 Dec 2010 22:38:19 +0000

I really like the repetition about the parking lot. It gives such a lonely/gloomy mood to it. Definitely a keeper.

Are you good at writing reports too?

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Post: 67820253_4 created on Sat, 11 Dec 2010 22:45:06 +0000
Posted: Sat, 11 Dec 2010 22:45:06 +0000

The_Shadow_Faerie

I really like the repetition about the parking lot. It gives such a lonely/gloomy mood to it. Definitely a keeper.

Are you good at writing reports too?

What type of reports? I do pretty well at academic writing the only problem is my 'Awkward' writing style translates to awkward papers in my Professor's opinion.

And thank you. I really need improvement in this genre though.

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Post: 67820253_5 created on Sat, 11 Dec 2010 22:52:56 +0000
Posted: Sat, 11 Dec 2010 22:52:56 +0000

koi19

I thought it was quite good, actually. It kept my attention without giving too much away. At the end, I was still wondering what the heck just happened, then it made me re-read it, then I got it.

I'm working for a Gaia magazine, and with your style, I think the articles you write would be very interesting. I was wondering if you would like to join? I would like to refer you to the magazine owner because I think your talent is awesome. Though I'm not sure if he would need you to write an article sample for him, or if he'd take anything. And yes, he would pay his staff when the magazine gets started, since we're only in the hiring stages right now ^_^

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Post: 67820253_6 created on Sat, 11 Dec 2010 23:06:18 +0000
Posted: Sat, 11 Dec 2010 23:06:18 +0000

The_Shadow_Faerie

koi19

I do believe I am intrigued. PM further info?

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Post: 67820253_7 created on Sat, 11 Dec 2010 23:32:31 +0000
Posted: Sat, 11 Dec 2010 23:32:31 +0000

Mystery/crime/investigation type stories usually aren't my thing, but your prologue kept my interest. I agree with The_Shadow_Faerie--your use of repetition here is excellent. The way you switched from past to present is pretty good as well, adding to the confusion of this whole scene. Very nice.

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Post: 67820253_8 created on Sat, 11 Dec 2010 23:40:26 +0000
Posted: Sat, 11 Dec 2010 23:40:26 +0000

TheAntiBella

It certainly isn't my usual thing either. Pushing personal limits and boundaries and the like. Thank you.

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Post: 67820253_9 created on Mon, 13 Dec 2010 05:59:02 +0000
Posted: Mon, 13 Dec 2010 05:59:02 +0000

Bump

Desi the fuzzy fluffhead

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Post: 67820253_10 created on Mon, 13 Dec 2010 23:16:22 +0000
Posted: Mon, 13 Dec 2010 23:16:22 +0000

Quote:

The parking lot is too cold for the middle of July.

I like how the fact that it's July is sort of a surprise for the reader.

Quote:

She remembers it, it was just moments ago.Stepping into the heat of the night, fishing into her bra for her lighter and small cigarette case. Taking small, measured puffs so it lighted just the way she liked. Sighing as she got a decent dose of nicotine and moving unsteadily away from the door as it opened and someone stepped out, much like she had. Sending a small smile at the person who, oddly enough, was shrouded in shadow as they leaned against the wall. Not unusual since it was nighttime, but highly out of place in the brightly illuminated parking lot.

I feel you tell a little too much here and it doesn't transition well into the memory like the other parts.

I think this is written very well, like others have said the repetition works as well as the switching of the tenses.