Going to eddiitttt (Feel free to throw in your input)

[Lyrca]

*Asymptote [ a**-Mah-Tope ] ;;
For those of you who don't know. An
asymptote is a section on a graph
that doesn't exist. Basically a break
in the line along the graph that you're
looking at. Non-existent.

CURRENT DRAFT ;;

The grass is always greener on the other pesticide,
That's why you never say a thing when we're on the inside,
The doors eat us whole in this 'Sanctuary Of Divide',
So next time our mouths shoot and our bullets collide,
We can always know that this is why we lied.

It's not like our breaths shot out chemically,
We aren't choking but we're hoping we won't fall to our tendencies.
The addiction to your eyes is my death penalty,
These aren't pheromones they're just a little extra ecstasy.
When we lost our identities we just wandered recklessly.

I don't know if we're walking through clouds or an asymptote*,
But on this algebra graph we're falling down a slippery slope,
This just isn't the ******** book I sat down and wrote.
So you better find the new 'solve all problems' antidote.
Or so help me God... I'm losing hope.

And I don't want to be the one to stop the slander,
I feed off our pain like PMSing girls to a vampire,
So leave me to drown under the weight of this anchor,
I'm going down with this ship and down with this anger.

Don't let me drown. Don't let me drown...

I don't want to die as this water's fiery amber.
I just want to live as the newest commander.
"Chill them all" should be the only order to my bystanders.


_____________________________________________________________________________


FIRST DRAFT ;;
The grass is always greener on the other side,
My expectations are always turning to a sigh.
The doors eat us whole in this 'Sanctuary Of Divide',
So next time our mouths shoot and our bullets collide,
We can always know that this is why we lied.

It's not like we're mixing up chemically,
We aren't choking but we're hoping we won't fall to our tendencies.
The addiction to your eyes is my death penalty,
These aren't pheromones they're just a little extra ecstasy.
When we lost our identities we just wandered recklessly.

I don't know if we're shadows or an asymptote*,
But on this algebra graph we're falling down a slippery slope,
This just isn't the ******** book I sat down and wrote.
So you better find the new goddamn antidote.
Or so help me God... I'm loosing hope.

And I don't want to be the one to stop the slander,
I feed off our pain like bloodied hands to a vampire,
So leave me to drown at the foot of this anchor,
I'm going down with this ship and down with this anger.

Don't let me drown. Don't let me drown...

I don't want to die as this water's bloody amber.

[U n d r a w n]

Holy ******** that's awesome. *tries to help with more edits*




The grass is always greener on the other pesticide,
That's why you never say a thing when we're on the inside,
The doors eat us whole in this 'Sanctuary Of Divide', << That is awesome but I'd word it different if I were you. IT's sorta confusing written like that
So next time our mouths shoot and our bullets collide,Same as I said before. I get the point your going for but should be said differently
We can always know that this is why we lied.

It's not like our breaths shot out chemically, Shot out chemicals? I feel like it should say that. Maybe fix this sentence too?
We aren't choking but we're hoping we won't fall to our tendencies.
The addiction to your eyes is my death penalty, A bit cheesy. /: I'd change that is I were you.
These aren't pheromones they're just a little extra ecstasy. Totally had to google 'phermones' O.O that is a good one
When we lost our identities we just wandered recklessly.

I don't know if we're walking through clouds or an asymptote*,
But on this algebra graph we're falling down a slippery slope,
This just isn't the ******** book I sat down and wrote. Eh... I'd get rid of the '********' in this I feel like it's out of place.
So you better find the new 'solve all problems' antidote.
Or so help me God... I'm loosing hope.

And I don't want to be the one to stop the slander,
I feed off our pain like PMSing girls to a vampire, <<ROFLLL LMFAO LOLOLOLOL. OMG LMFAO.
So leave me to drown under the weight of this anchor,
I'm going down with this ship and down with this anger.

Don't let me drown. Don't let me drown...

I don't want to die as this water's fiery amber.
I just want to live as the newest commander.
"Chill them all" should be the only order to my bystanders.

Lololol. Chill them all instead of 'kill them all' right? Omg. That's clever. Instead of being angry being chilled. I get it. XD
I'm sorry but I really like this poem. You did good on it. *applauses* 4laugh
Good luck in the contest!

*Runs of to edit more ppls*

[Lyrca]

Thanks for the input I appreciate it!

I like most of it too. I'll keep those in mind next time I'm editing through.

[Lyrca]

Next edit to fix Undrawn's input ;;
[In progress]

The grass is always greener on the other pesticide,
That's why you never say a thing when we're on the inside,
The doors eat us whole in these rooms that we divide,
Cause when we meet our mouths shoot out bullets that collide,
We will always know that this is why we lied.

chemically,
We aren't choking but we're hoping we won't fall to our tendencies.
The addiction to your eyes is my death penalty,
These aren't pheromones they're just a little extra ecstasy.
When we lost our identities we just wandered recklessly.

I don't know if we're walking through clouds or an asymptote*,
But on this algebra graph we're falling down a slippery slope,
This just isn't the ******** book I sat down and wrote.
So you better find the new 'solve all problems' antidote.
Or so help me God... I'm loosing hope.

And I don't want to be the one to stop the slander,
I feed off our pain like PMSing girls to a vampire,
So leave me to drown under the weight of this anchor,
I'm going down with this ship and down with this anger.

Don't let me drown. Don't let me drown...

I don't want to die as this water's fiery amber.
I just want to live as the newest commander.
"Chill them all" should be the only order to my bystanders.

[Power Armor Felix]

May I suggest:

Quote:

I feed off your pain like girls PMS to a vampire,

Also the anger / anchor slant rhyme (+ parallel structure) you have is pretty snazzy, this is my favorite part:

Quote:

So leave me to drown under the weight of this anchor,
I'm going down with this ship and down with this anger.