New to dating- probably aromantic-could use input from anyon

[darkabyssx]

Soooo I'm 28. And aside from a quick thing with a highschool boyfriend I never really dated. Always had other things to focus on w gender and mental health and school and stuff and I never got crushes so it just never happened. I've always loved the idea of romance and wanted a relationship and like. Fantasized about it a lot but again-no crushes and only like two people ever expressed intrest in me and i turned them down. I figure I'm probably on both the ace and aro spectrum.

Recently I've been in a more stable place though so I figured I'd try it out again. Had a few awkward dates with a few people. One of which asked me to be his boyfriend after 3 dates. He's great. A chill guy- we have a lot in common, we're both artists who like the same shows and podcasts and stuff, and we get along. He has the cutest dog in the world, we sorta have similar plans for the future. It's easy to spend time with him-which is crazy cause I've found most people irritating lately. He's also trans, neurodivergent, and probably on the aroace spectrum. This should be a dream come true.

But I don't feel anything. And like. I kinda suspected it would be like that given that I'm pretty sure I'm aromantic but I WANT to feel something and just. Idk. Maybe it's cause I'm still getting to know him? Maybe I'm not capable? Maybe he's not my type whatever that is. Maybe I should've dated more before saying yes to going steady. There's a lot of Maybes and I just. Idk. Maybe if I wasn't putting on the expectations of ten years of fantasizing about relationships I'd be happier? Like I'm not sure I'm particularly attatched to him in any way even though I get along better with him than anyone I've befriended in a long time? I'm probably putting expectations too high then being disappointed when I'm not magically not aromantic anymore. I'm not sure what's normal or not and I don't know a good place to ask other aro people about this kinda thing and ky friends in relationships all Have vastly different experiences so.

I'm not sure what I'm really asking here. What I'm looking for. But if anyone has anything to say- aro or allo or whatever I could use some kinda thoughts on this
]

[Kozray]

well, first of all, i think you should communicate your feelings or lack thereof to your boyfriend before things go on too long-- better to have the conversation early and spare feelings if possible.

also, i think you probably do sound aromantic, because a lot of aromantic people i've heard of do still fantasize and/or want romantic relationships, but just find themselves unable to have those feelings themselves. i have a friend who, when younger, didn't know that romantic love was supposed to feel different than platonic/friend love. her partners at the time she felt the same for as she felt her other friends, which is definitely aromantic-like imo. (she has since developed romantic feelings for someone and knows clearly what the difference is, and acknowledges that she didn't have feelings for those she dated previously.)

i don't think there's anything wrong with being aromantic and being in a relationship as long as it's clear to your partner that you don't feel the same kind of love that they may feel. but that's up to you and your partner to decide. some people call these queer platonic relationships, some people still call each other boyfriend/girlfriend/partner even if it's not romantic, it's all up to the people involved.

feelings could still develop, sometimes they're slow to show up, but like, don't bank on that when it comes to having a relationship or not. you don't want to date for a month, two months, six months, a year, and then tell them that sorry, you don't actually have romantic feelings after all... it would feel pretty bad to be on the receiving end of that. especially if they thought their romantic feelings were reciprocated.

i dunno, i don't want to tell you what to do, but i suggest you do decide what kind of feelings you do or don't have and communicate with your boyfriend. like i said, he deserves to know if you're not on the same page. some people are okay dating aromantic people, some people aren't. you could tell him that you're willing to keep dating and see if feelings do develop, because you're not 100% sure on your aro status, but like, being clear is key.

i personally feel like i could be demi-romantic because i know i've felt romantic love in the past, but in the last 10 years i've had literally only two crushes and they were both pretty fleeting, and that's not a lot considering how long of a time it is, so like, maybe i'm on the aro spectrum myself. idk.

anyway, i hope things get better for you. hang in there.

[darkabyssx]

Kozray

well, first of all, i think you should communicate your feelings or lack thereof to your boyfriend before things go on too long-- better to have the conversation early and spare feelings if possible.

also, i think you probably do sound aromantic, because a lot of aromantic people i've heard of do still fantasize and/or want romantic relationships, but just find themselves unable to have those feelings themselves. i have a friend who, when younger, didn't know that romantic love was supposed to feel different than platonic/friend love. her partners at the time she felt the same for as she felt her other friends, which is definitely aromantic-like imo. (she has since developed romantic feelings for someone and knows clearly what the difference is, and acknowledges that she didn't have feelings for those she dated previously.)

i don't think there's anything wrong with being aromantic and being in a relationship as long as it's clear to your partner that you don't feel the same kind of love that they may feel. but that's up to you and your partner to decide. some people call these queer platonic relationships, some people still call each other boyfriend/girlfriend/partner even if it's not romantic, it's all up to the people involved.

feelings could still develop, sometimes they're slow to show up, but like, don't bank on that when it comes to having a relationship or not. you don't want to date for a month, two months, six months, a year, and then tell them that sorry, you don't actually have romantic feelings after all... it would feel pretty bad to be on the receiving end of that. especially if they thought their romantic feelings were reciprocated.

i dunno, i don't want to tell you what to do, but i suggest you do decide what kind of feelings you do or don't have and communicate with your boyfriend. like i said, he deserves to know if you're not on the same page. some people are okay dating aromantic people, some people aren't. you could tell him that you're willing to keep dating and see if feelings do develop, because you're not 100% sure on your aro status, but like, being clear is key.

i personally feel like i could be demi-romantic because i know i've felt romantic love in the past, but in the last 10 years i've had literally only two crushes and they were both pretty fleeting, and that's not a lot considering how long of a time it is, so like, maybe i'm on the aro spectrum myself. idk.

anyway, i hope things get better for you. hang in there.

Thank you! I'll talk about it next time I see him. I told him over text I'd like to try being more like. Romancey in case that makes a difference. And he knows I'm on the aro spectrum, we talked about it our first date so that's something. While he says he's probably also on the aro spectrum he also gets attatched really fast and is like, already fantasizing about the future so I don't wanna hurt him by not being straightforward. Communication is so intimidating 😅 but very very important from what I gather. I think I might be demi too but I guess I'll just have to keep at it and see.
Thank you again for the advice!

[Kozray]

darkabyssx

Kozray

well, first of all, i think you should communicate your feelings or lack thereof to your boyfriend before things go on too long-- better to have the conversation early and spare feelings if possible.

also, i think you probably do sound aromantic, because a lot of aromantic people i've heard of do still fantasize and/or want romantic relationships, but just find themselves unable to have those feelings themselves. i have a friend who, when younger, didn't know that romantic love was supposed to feel different than platonic/friend love. her partners at the time she felt the same for as she felt her other friends, which is definitely aromantic-like imo. (she has since developed romantic feelings for someone and knows clearly what the difference is, and acknowledges that she didn't have feelings for those she dated previously.)

i don't think there's anything wrong with being aromantic and being in a relationship as long as it's clear to your partner that you don't feel the same kind of love that they may feel. but that's up to you and your partner to decide. some people call these queer platonic relationships, some people still call each other boyfriend/girlfriend/partner even if it's not romantic, it's all up to the people involved.

feelings could still develop, sometimes they're slow to show up, but like, don't bank on that when it comes to having a relationship or not. you don't want to date for a month, two months, six months, a year, and then tell them that sorry, you don't actually have romantic feelings after all... it would feel pretty bad to be on the receiving end of that. especially if they thought their romantic feelings were reciprocated.

i dunno, i don't want to tell you what to do, but i suggest you do decide what kind of feelings you do or don't have and communicate with your boyfriend. like i said, he deserves to know if you're not on the same page. some people are okay dating aromantic people, some people aren't. you could tell him that you're willing to keep dating and see if feelings do develop, because you're not 100% sure on your aro status, but like, being clear is key.

i personally feel like i could be demi-romantic because i know i've felt romantic love in the past, but in the last 10 years i've had literally only two crushes and they were both pretty fleeting, and that's not a lot considering how long of a time it is, so like, maybe i'm on the aro spectrum myself. idk.

anyway, i hope things get better for you. hang in there.

Thank you! I'll talk about it next time I see him. I told him over text I'd like to try being more like. Romancey in case that makes a difference. And he knows I'm on the aro spectrum, we talked about it our first date so that's something. While he says he's probably also on the aro spectrum he also gets attatched really fast and is like, already fantasizing about the future so I don't wanna hurt him by not being straightforward. Communication is so intimidating 😅 but very very important from what I gather. I think I might be demi too but I guess I'll just have to keep at it and see.
Thank you again for the advice!

no problem! good luck with it! especially if you're already both on the same page as far as being aro goes. things could still work out! emotion_bigheart cheering for you!