PTSD Support Thread

[Chieftain Twilight]

Satanic PandaCakes

Petrograd

Satanic PandaCakes

do you ever want to get triggered or for the past to happen again? or am i alone in that?

Hmm. Sometimes I would feel very tired from trying to keep my bad thoughts at bay.

When I felt I couldn't push them away anymore, I'd instead "flip" and, rather self-destructingly, try to indulge in them instead.

It hurt bad to do so, but I did it because it helped me get a sense of control over them.

Maybe that's similar to your feelings.

I know abuse victims can miss some aspects of their abuse because they've learned to connect abuse and love/care.

Of course it's entirely possible to get the love/care without the abuse, but until one has that, one will still miss the good feelings.

What sucks is i actually do have that, the love/care without abuse, my new boyfriend is good to me and very cautious of triggering me, but i just... wish he wasn't. i want to be abused again. it feels as though it's all i'm worth.

the reason that that's the hardest part about recovery, is because self-love has to come from yourself by it's very definition. and looking inward is the scariest thing in the world. but I promise it's worthe it. it is so worth it.

[SinfulGuillotine]

Chieftain Twilight

SinfulGuillotine

Chieftain Twilight

to be honest, I terrified of the thought of being dependent on a drug of any kind.... I'm wondering if I'd would rather cope with anxiety.... but I also know that my quality of life is slipping. it goes up and down.

As someone who has been dependent on drugs in myriad ways, I can assure you that there are many, many things that are harder to live with than chemical dependence. Especially in the case of legally prescribed, effective medication, I think that the idea of chemical dependence is considerably worse than the reality. Is it ideal? No, of course not. In a perfect world, we'd all be able to stand on our own two feet without the help of any emotional crutches, but the fact of the matter is that we all need a little help from time to time, and there's no shame in that. Psychiatric medication is just one more thing that, when used correctly and in conjunction with other therapies, can make life a little less miserable.

I would encourage you to speak with a mental health professional at some point. They'll be in a better place to advise you on the pros and cons of specific drugs as they relate to your specific situation, and then you can feel relatively confident that you decision, whatever it ends up being, will be an informed one.

:nods and sighs.: iii-_- I just wish I didn't have to feel so crappy about it, then.... I guess I really just can't help it; I'm proud, so this hurts alot. but thanks, it really is helpful advice, and I know I should really consider it.

I'll get around to talking to someone in that field once I get past my ego.

I get that, I really do. And it may very well end up being the case that you're not a good candidate for psychiatric medication, and/or that you find another effective, drug-free way of working through things. Or maybe you'll be on medication for a little while and then find you don't need it anymore. While it can be difficult to get off some of these meds, it's still doable, especially with the help of a competent doctor. By slowly deceasing the dosage over a reasonable period of time, it's possible to get off most drugs with relatively minimal discomfort. It doesn't always have to be like something out of Trainspotting. So I think it's worth keeping in mind that deciding to go on medication now doesn't necessarily mean that you're signing on for a life sentence of pills.

In the mean time, to help with your insomnia, have you tried any OTC sleep aids? There's a drug called diphenhydramine (usually marketed as an allergy medication) that usually knocks most people out for several hours, when taken in sufficient doses. There's another very similar drug that's usually sold as medication for motion sickness that's equally effective. Sometimes they're sold as sleep aids, but those preparations often have APAP and/or ibuprofen as well, which you really don't need if you're just trying to treat insomnia. I generally try to avoid medications with more than one active ingredient when possible. Makes it easier to keep track of what I've taken. Both those drugs are very safe and non-habit forming. Just don't take them within 48 hours of having taken recreational psychedelics, because then they make you go completely crazy for about eight hours, and not in the fun way. I learned that the hard way.

[SinfulGuillotine]

Satanic PandaCakes

Petrograd

Satanic PandaCakes

do you ever want to get triggered or for the past to happen again? or am i alone in that?

Hmm. Sometimes I would feel very tired from trying to keep my bad thoughts at bay.

When I felt I couldn't push them away anymore, I'd instead "flip" and, rather self-destructingly, try to indulge in them instead.

It hurt bad to do so, but I did it because it helped me get a sense of control over them.

Maybe that's similar to your feelings.

I know abuse victims can miss some aspects of their abuse because they've learned to connect abuse and love/care.

Of course it's entirely possible to get the love/care without the abuse, but until one has that, one will still miss the good feelings.

What sucks is i actually do have that, the love/care without abuse, my new boyfriend is good to me and very cautious of triggering me, but i just... wish he wasn't. i want to be abused again. it feels as though it's all i'm worth.

I used to feel that way. For a long time, I lived in near-constant terror that my partner would wake up one day and realise that I was far more trouble than I was worth and that he could do better. My only emotion that rivalled my love for him was my hatred of myself, and I couldn't fathom why someone as wonderful as him would be wasting his time with someone as wretched as me.

When I expressed these feelings to him, he replied, "If you think I'm so wonderful, don't you also think I'm smart enough to figure out who is or isn't worth my time? If you think yourself unworthy, then we're just going to have to agree to disagree."

I think it's worth remembering that others often see us through very different eyes than we see ourselves, and more often than not, we're our own worst critic.

[Chieftain Twilight]

SinfulGuillotine

Chieftain Twilight

SinfulGuillotine

Chieftain Twilight

to be honest, I terrified of the thought of being dependent on a drug of any kind.... I'm wondering if I'd would rather cope with anxiety.... but I also know that my quality of life is slipping. it goes up and down.

As someone who has been dependent on drugs in myriad ways, I can assure you that there are many, many things that are harder to live with than chemical dependence. Especially in the case of legally prescribed, effective medication, I think that the idea of chemical dependence is considerably worse than the reality. Is it ideal? No, of course not. In a perfect world, we'd all be able to stand on our own two feet without the help of any emotional crutches, but the fact of the matter is that we all need a little help from time to time, and there's no shame in that. Psychiatric medication is just one more thing that, when used correctly and in conjunction with other therapies, can make life a little less miserable.

I would encourage you to speak with a mental health professional at some point. They'll be in a better place to advise you on the pros and cons of specific drugs as they relate to your specific situation, and then you can feel relatively confident that you decision, whatever it ends up being, will be an informed one.

:nods and sighs.: iii-_- I just wish I didn't have to feel so crappy about it, then.... I guess I really just can't help it; I'm proud, so this hurts alot. but thanks, it really is helpful advice, and I know I should really consider it.

I'll get around to talking to someone in that field once I get past my ego.

I get that, I really do. And it may very well end up being the case that you're not a good candidate for psychiatric medication, and/or that you find another effective, drug-free way of working through things. Or maybe you'll be on medication for a little while and then find you don't need it anymore. While it can be difficult to get off some of these meds, it's still doable, especially with the help of a competent doctor. By slowly deceasing the dosage over a reasonable period of time, it's possible to get off most drugs with relatively minimal discomfort. It doesn't always have to be like something out of Trainspotting. So I think it's worth keeping in mind that deciding to go on medication now doesn't necessarily mean that you're signing on for a life sentence of pills.

In the mean time, to help with your insomnia, have you tried any OTC sleep aids? There's a drug called diphenhydramine (usually marketed as an allergy medication) that usually knocks most people out for several hours, when taken in sufficient doses. There's another very similar drug that's usually sold as medication for motion sickness that's equally effective. Sometimes they're sold as sleep aids, but those preparations often have APAP and/or ibuprofen as well, which you really don't need if you're just trying to treat insomnia. I generally try to avoid medications with more than one active ingredient when possible. Makes it easier to keep track of what I've taken. Both those drugs are very safe and non-habit forming. Just don't take them within 48 hours of having taken recreational psychedelics, because then they make you go completely crazy for about eight hours, and not in the fun way. I learned that the hard way.

yeah, I don't don't take hallucinogens of any kind. even too much weed makes my anxiety skyrocket so I avoid that. I have never touched DMT, Acid, Shrooms, Salvia, Peyote, Spice, Angel Dust, or any of that stuff. even my druggie friends know that it would be a bad idea and wouldn't let me when I started getting curious about it. that was about 5 years ago.

apparently, my mind is already naturally like being on Acid. leastways the evidence seems to show that much. I haven't had an MRI or a CAT scan. it's been mostly observational.

I'm beginning to wonder if I should just take the route of cycling between several different herbal remedies so that I don't grow a strong resistance to any of them?

[SinfulGuillotine]

Chieftain Twilight

yeah, I don't don't take hallucinogens of any kind. even too much weed makes my anxiety skyrocket so I avoid that. I have never touched DMT, Acid, Shrooms, Salvia, Peyote, Spice, Angel Dust, or any of that stuff. even my druggie friends know that it would be a bad idea and wouldn't let me when I started getting curious about it. that was about 5 years ago.

apparently, my mind is already naturally like being on Acid. leastways the evidence seems to show that much. I haven't had an MRI or a CAT scan. it's been mostly observational.

I'm beginning to wonder if I should just take the route of cycling between several different herbal remedies so that I don't grow a strong resistance to any of them?

I have HPPD, so my baseline reality is kind of like a mediocre acid trip. But diphenhydramine is not hallucinogenic on its own. Well, technically it's a deliriant in high doses, but you'd have to take quite a lot to experience those effects. I can only assume that other hallucinogenic drugs massively potentiate its deliriant properties.

Not all substances produce chemical tolerance with prolonged use, so cycling through different remedies may not be necessary. It just depends on what you're using.

[Chieftain Twilight]

SinfulGuillotine

Chieftain Twilight

yeah, I don't don't take hallucinogens of any kind. even too much weed makes my anxiety skyrocket so I avoid that. I have never touched DMT, Acid, Shrooms, Salvia, Peyote, Spice, Angel Dust, or any of that stuff. even my druggie friends know that it would be a bad idea and wouldn't let me when I started getting curious about it. that was about 5 years ago.

apparently, my mind is already naturally like being on Acid. leastways the evidence seems to show that much. I haven't had an MRI or a CAT scan. it's been mostly observational.

I'm beginning to wonder if I should just take the route of cycling between several different herbal remedies so that I don't grow a strong resistance to any of them?

I have HPPD, so my baseline reality is kind of like a mediocre acid trip. But diphenhydramine is not hallucinogenic on its own. Well, technically it's a deliriant in high doses, but you'd have to take quite a lot to experience those effects. I can only assume that other hallucinogenic drugs massively potentiate its deliriant properties.

Not all substances produce chemical tolerance with prolonged use, so cycling through different remedies may not be necessary. It just depends on what you're using.

what's HPPD? I'm diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia.

[SinfulGuillotine]

Chieftain Twilight

SinfulGuillotine

Chieftain Twilight

yeah, I don't don't take hallucinogens of any kind. even too much weed makes my anxiety skyrocket so I avoid that. I have never touched DMT, Acid, Shrooms, Salvia, Peyote, Spice, Angel Dust, or any of that stuff. even my druggie friends know that it would be a bad idea and wouldn't let me when I started getting curious about it. that was about 5 years ago.

apparently, my mind is already naturally like being on Acid. leastways the evidence seems to show that much. I haven't had an MRI or a CAT scan. it's been mostly observational.

I'm beginning to wonder if I should just take the route of cycling between several different herbal remedies so that I don't grow a strong resistance to any of them?

I have HPPD, so my baseline reality is kind of like a mediocre acid trip. But diphenhydramine is not hallucinogenic on its own. Well, technically it's a deliriant in high doses, but you'd have to take quite a lot to experience those effects. I can only assume that other hallucinogenic drugs massively potentiate its deliriant properties.

Not all substances produce chemical tolerance with prolonged use, so cycling through different remedies may not be necessary. It just depends on what you're using.

what's HPPD? I'm diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia.

Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder. If you've ever heard about people who take a lot of hallucinogens becoming "perma-tripped," that's basically what HPPD is. However, it's considerably less dramatic than most people probably imagine it to be. The only time it really gets bad is sometimes while driving a car at night (all those fast-moving lights can get pretty disorienting), or when I haven't slept in a couple days. Aside from that, it's pretty subtle and non-debilitating.

[Chieftain Twilight]

SinfulGuillotine

Chieftain Twilight

SinfulGuillotine

Chieftain Twilight

yeah, I don't don't take hallucinogens of any kind. even too much weed makes my anxiety skyrocket so I avoid that. I have never touched DMT, Acid, Shrooms, Salvia, Peyote, Spice, Angel Dust, or any of that stuff. even my druggie friends know that it would be a bad idea and wouldn't let me when I started getting curious about it. that was about 5 years ago.

apparently, my mind is already naturally like being on Acid. leastways the evidence seems to show that much. I haven't had an MRI or a CAT scan. it's been mostly observational.

I'm beginning to wonder if I should just take the route of cycling between several different herbal remedies so that I don't grow a strong resistance to any of them?

I have HPPD, so my baseline reality is kind of like a mediocre acid trip. But diphenhydramine is not hallucinogenic on its own. Well, technically it's a deliriant in high doses, but you'd have to take quite a lot to experience those effects. I can only assume that other hallucinogenic drugs massively potentiate its deliriant properties.

Not all substances produce chemical tolerance with prolonged use, so cycling through different remedies may not be necessary. It just depends on what you're using.

what's HPPD? I'm diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia.

Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder. If you've ever heard about people who take a lot of hallucinogens becoming "perma-tripped," that's basically what HPPD is. However, it's considerably less dramatic than most people probably imagine it to be. The only time it really gets bad is sometimes while driving a car at night (all those fast-moving lights can get pretty disorienting), or when I haven't slept in a couple days. Aside from that, it's pretty subtle and non-debilitating.

oh. yeah, I've heard of that. just hadn't learned it's clinical name until now. just what the effects were.

[Steeple]

Hello everyone....

Seems like if it isn't one thing it's another. =/ Eating issues under control? Surprise! It's insomnia now! (⊙﹏⊙✿)

Sucks more bc my mom is trying to force my sleeping back to normal, which only makes me more anxious, which only keeps me up later.... Which means I can't get up which means she tries harder and yells at me to get me up.

[SinfulGuillotine]

Steeple

Hello everyone....

Seems like if it isn't one thing it's another. =/ Eating issues under control? Surprise! It's insomnia now! (⊙﹏⊙✿)

Sucks more bc my mom is trying to force my sleeping back to normal, which only makes me more anxious, which only keeps me up later.... Which means I can't get up which means she tries harder and yells at me to get me up.

Have you tried to explain to your mum that her method of attempting to fix your sleep schedule is more of a hinderance than a help? Do you think it might be preferable for you to just set an alarm and get yourself up in the morning? Personally, I'd rather get woken up by an alarm rather than someone barking at me to get out of bed.

You could always try to just stay awake for a complete 24-hour cycle, thus ensuring that you'll be tired enough to go to sleep early, which would allow you to wake early. You'd have to endure one super shitty day being tired and sleep-deprived, but that's not the worst thing in the world. You could always try to do it on a day when you don't have a lot going on.

[SinfulGuillotine]

So, this actually happened last week, but I've been avoiding talking about it in the hopes that the problem would just go away if I refused to acknowledge it, but as luck would have it, that's not really the way reality works.

My ex-boyfriend is now a patient at the clinic where I work. I had to do his intake. I didn't even put two-and-two together when I saw his name on my schedule that morning, I think partly because neither his first nor last name is especially exotic or unusual, and partly because I generally don't pay a lot of attention to surnames of new intakes, since I only call out their first name in the waiting room. His first name is William, and there's probably eight or nine other patients named William. When I actually saw him, it still didn't fully register. I think for a few moments I sort of thought it wasn't really him, and that it was probably just a guy who kind of looked like him and I was being paranoid thinking it was him (because that's how I used to react every time I'd encounter someone who looked vaguely similar). Unfortunately, that delusion was shattered as soon as he recognised me and said my name.

I offered to get another staff member to do his intake, in the event that our history would make it awkward or uncomfortable for him to answer all the questions new patients get drilled on for intake. He not only declined that offer, but said he actually preferred to do it with me.

I just...have no idea how to handle this situation. I'm relatively confident that he has no intention to do me harm. If he did, he would have tracked me down long ago, he wouldn't have just waited around for a chance encounter. There's part of me that almost enjoys the fact that he's in treatment for opioid addiction, because even though he probably did more drugs than I did when we were together, he always had this infuriating superiority complex about the fact that he'd successfully avoided developing any chemical dependence. Clearly, that's no longer the case. Mostly it just makes me incredibly anxious knowing that I now have to see him every ******** day for God knows how long. So far I've managed to avoid all but the briefest interactions with him since doing his intake by just trying to look really, really busy every time he comes in, but I know eventually I'm going to run out of ways to avoid having a conversation with him. I could always quit, but then he'd win, so that's not an option.

I haven't even told my partner, which I feel incredibly guilty about, but there's also a part of me that doesn't really want to tell him. I feel awful about keeping secrets from him, but he absolutely HATES this man (understandably so). The last time my ex tried to weasel himself back into my life, things got pretty ugly between him and my partner. I know my partner reacts the way he does out of love for me, and that he's trying to look out for me, but the amount of anger he has and expresses towards my ex makes me incredibly uncomfortable, and then I feel bad about feeling uncomfortable about it. I just don't deal well with anger, whether it's my own or someone else's, and even though I recognise that my partner's anger towards my ex is completely, 100% justified, I still don't don't like being privy to it. It also makes me really uncomfortable when people try to take care of me, or check up on me, or say and/or do things on my behalf, and pretty much the only time my partner has done all those things is when dealing with my ex. Even though I know it's more than reasonable for my partner to feel and act the way he does, I just...I don't know, I sort of feel like he's trying to fight my battles for me, and I hate that. I feel bad for hating it because I know it's well-intentioned, but...ugh, I don't know.

This is pretty much the worst thing that could have happened to me right now (besides maybe someone close to me dying or something). I guess in some ways, that's kind of a good sign, because in the grand scheme of things, this really isn't all that bad. It's awkward and uncomfortable and causes me a great deal of anxiety, but as bad things go, this is downright trivial. Still sucks, though.

[darlene devonshire]

SinfulGuillotine

first emotion_hug

second maybe just be professional and say nothing. he might be embarrassed & nervous about this. u can get through this & if not maybe talk with ur boss & explain there's a history between u too?

happy to see u again.

[Petrograd]

SinfulGuillotine

Tricky situation @.@

Well, to begin with, make sure someone else is in charge of his case (if anyone is).
Like Darlene suggested, you can talk to your boss about not having to handle him. He should be understanding.

Since it sounds like he's kinda focusing on you (probably because he recognizes you) I'd actually talk to the ex about not being comfortable with the whole situation, and that you wish to keep a (professional?) distance.

Once you have a plan to handle it it may be easier to talk to your boyfriend about this. o.o
It should calm him a bit to know that you
*have a plan in place
*do not wish to talk to exie more than necessary
and that you informed your boyfriend before the situation got out of hand.

[Steeple]

SinfulGuillotine

Steeple

Hello everyone....

Seems like if it isn't one thing it's another. =/ Eating issues under control? Surprise! It's insomnia now! (⊙﹏⊙✿)

Sucks more bc my mom is trying to force my sleeping back to normal, which only makes me more anxious, which only keeps me up later.... Which means I can't get up which means she tries harder and yells at me to get me up.

Have you tried to explain to your mum that her method of attempting to fix your sleep schedule is more of a hinderance than a help? Do you think it might be preferable for you to just set an alarm and get yourself up in the morning? Personally, I'd rather get woken up by an alarm rather than someone barking at me to get out of bed.

You could always try to just stay awake for a complete 24-hour cycle, thus ensuring that you'll be tired enough to go to sleep early, which would allow you to wake early. You'd have to endure one super shitty day being tired and sleep-deprived, but that's not the worst thing in the world. You could always try to do it on a day when you don't have a lot going on.

I actually managed to talk to her about it, so I'm making headway!

I actually tried that and couldn't stay awake.... ah well. I'm sleeping a bit better now that i've slept in a couple days.

[Chieftain Twilight]

SinfulGuillotine

So, this actually happened last week, but I've been avoiding talking about it in the hopes that the problem would just go away if I refused to acknowledge it, but as luck would have it, that's not really the way reality works.

My ex-boyfriend is now a patient at the clinic where I work. I had to do his intake. I didn't even put two-and-two together when I saw his name on my schedule that morning, I think partly because neither his first nor last name is especially exotic or unusual, and partly because I generally don't pay a lot of attention to surnames of new intakes, since I only call out their first name in the waiting room. His first name is William, and there's probably eight or nine other patients named William. When I actually saw him, it still didn't fully register. I think for a few moments I sort of thought it wasn't really him, and that it was probably just a guy who kind of looked like him and I was being paranoid thinking it was him (because that's how I used to react every time I'd encounter someone who looked vaguely similar). Unfortunately, that delusion was shattered as soon as he recognised me and said my name.

I offered to get another staff member to do his intake, in the event that our history would make it awkward or uncomfortable for him to answer all the questions new patients get drilled on for intake. He not only declined that offer, but said he actually preferred to do it with me.

I just...have no idea how to handle this situation. I'm relatively confident that he has no intention to do me harm. If he did, he would have tracked me down long ago, he wouldn't have just waited around for a chance encounter. There's part of me that almost enjoys the fact that he's in treatment for opioid addiction, because even though he probably did more drugs than I did when we were together, he always had this infuriating superiority complex about the fact that he'd successfully avoided developing any chemical dependence. Clearly, that's no longer the case. Mostly it just makes me incredibly anxious knowing that I now have to see him every ******** day for God knows how long. So far I've managed to avoid all but the briefest interactions with him since doing his intake by just trying to look really, really busy every time he comes in, but I know eventually I'm going to run out of ways to avoid having a conversation with him. I could always quit, but then he'd win, so that's not an option.

I haven't even told my partner, which I feel incredibly guilty about, but there's also a part of me that doesn't really want to tell him. I feel awful about keeping secrets from him, but he absolutely HATES this man (understandably so). The last time my ex tried to weasel himself back into my life, things got pretty ugly between him and my partner. I know my partner reacts the way he does out of love for me, and that he's trying to look out for me, but the amount of anger he has and expresses towards my ex makes me incredibly uncomfortable, and then I feel bad about feeling uncomfortable about it. I just don't deal well with anger, whether it's my own or someone else's, and even though I recognise that my partner's anger towards my ex is completely, 100% justified, I still don't don't like being privy to it. It also makes me really uncomfortable when people try to take care of me, or check up on me, or say and/or do things on my behalf, and pretty much the only time my partner has done all those things is when dealing with my ex. Even though I know it's more than reasonable for my partner to feel and act the way he does, I just...I don't know, I sort of feel like he's trying to fight my battles for me, and I hate that. I feel bad for hating it because I know it's well-intentioned, but...ugh, I don't know.

This is pretty much the worst thing that could have happened to me right now (besides maybe someone close to me dying or something). I guess in some ways, that's kind of a good sign, because in the grand scheme of things, this really isn't all that bad. It's awkward and uncomfortable and causes me a great deal of anxiety, but as bad things go, this is downright trivial. Still sucks, though.

I wouldn't call it trivial.... I've come to acknowledge just how serious emotions are. they are a big deal, and are always valid and never rational.

do you think you could ask a co-worker to deal with him instead of you? or would that offend your pride, too? I honestly have stuck to avoiding people I don't feel comfortable around. it works for me. leastways for as long as I can keep it up. I put as much distance as possible between myself and them.

as for your boyfriend.... you know, you could try to explain to him why it's important that you fight your own battles... right?