Barto-Mart is your one stop shop for pretty much anything! Whether it's clothes, electronics, gardening, nuclear explosives and flavored salts! The size of the store reflects that, so don't be surprised when you see a small transit system or even an oasis now and then. We have everything sectioned for ease and you'lll believe us when you see a difference between the front of the store and the back.
Front of store:
Checkout Line.
You see those fifty cash registers available? Well, you see, profits have been pretty hard and hiring people is pretty impossible at this point. Look, I know there are lines that stretch to the back of the store, but...we have candy! Yeah, candy! That and beef jerky, your soft drinks, you know, real nutritional snacks for you! If you feel like nature calls, don't fret! We also have restrooms, all two of them! For those that trust their funds with a grocery store, we also have a bank inside the store. We love to think about you.
Customer Service
You know what's longer than the lines in the registers? The train going to Customer Service. Seriously, we have a train inside in case walking's not your thing. It takes you all the way to the back of the store. But this is the Service desk, right? This is the place where people complain like they didn't know that bread wasn't supposed to have fur in this. Or paying a bill in a grocery store was a good idea. But, we are here to serve, I just wished that these guys would give us the knee guards and mouthwash to expedite things.
The Rotating Restaurant!
Before leaving our store, feel free to grab a bite in our restaurant near the front doors. I know you're used to seeing some big pizza slice or those sandwiches with no meat except for the eggs in mayonnaise, but we offer you some of the most exciting cuisine in Barton! Also, the most versatile since we opt of rotating our menu almost daily! You can come down for a succulent burger one day and dine on some savory Italian the next! We even show our commitment by changing the appearance, the name, EVERYTHING!
The Theme: Relish the Thought - Specialty Hot-Dog
Deli/Bakery
You've seen people worry about the amount of sodium and fillers in meat. The world complaining about the lack of fresh lunch meats. Well, we try to see all the points in an argument. For one, these are cheap, and when it comes to being economical, you might have to bite down into a meat tube that has the consistency of rubber cement. But for those that have the dollars for some good meat but not the sense to get a steak, we have some "premium cuts" for you. By that, we mean boiled roasts coated with food coloring and less salt.
But what about cake? Yes, there is cake, and there's also bread! Fresh baked? Eh, these came from doughs already made but we put them in during the morning, so that counts! If you want a delectable piece of diabetes, come on down! If you're down because your boyfriend didn't answer your call? Buy this WITH our special to deep fry the cake. Top it with powdered sugar to make it pretty.
Produce
Nothing says all natural like hearing the sound of a storm through a phone speaker while sprinklers spray your rutabagas, eh? This is the section where we aim to give you the freshest vegetables possible. Cut a bad leaf there, rotate an apple so no one sees the bruising there. You see? Fresh! If you want, we also have fruit juices that might be pure sugar at this point, but at least it has some juice. Some, it's some right? Hold on.
Clothing
Because Hot Topic doesn't have enough superhero shirts. In this section, you'll find all the things that outlet stores decide to give away. You see the not-so-latest, but passable fashion for the spartan or pragmatic. However, we can assure you that our underwear is super fresh. Still wrapped in plastic, air tight like a prized action figure.
Outside/Parking Lot
You think it was easy to build this place? Let me tell you, brother, we had to level at least three villages. Mostly third-world, it was cheaper. The parking lot is a place we don't even know what to think about. You'll see massive reptilian monsters eating some of the weaker customers right next to newest Jetta hybrid. That, and shopping carts scattered everywhere. You'd think with supernatural powers and being masters of manipulation, you'd have customers control a buggy into a corral. Nope, they just mess with you. They hang these on the lights like shoes on a power line. That's another reason why we have construction gear and cherry pickers nearby. Never mind the constant expansion...those are future plans.
Back of Store (Where things get real):
The Aisles
Now, don't take this as some copout to not describe what's in a store. We all know what's in it. What we don't know is why these aisles are so freakin' tall! these things are the size of skyscrapers and filled with everything you can imagine. You want a bag of peanuts the size of a small child? Here, have a family.
There's also a rumor about a small crowd of bums living in between certain aisles. They're usually up top, where no one wants to go up there to clean. I swear, I have to start cutting pay.
The Fizz-o-Meter Display Castle
Somewhere deep in the store lies our true magnum opus, the Fizz-o-Meter Display Castle. It's a full scale castle entirely made of soda cases. Full cases, too. Please don't spit the moat of orange-flavored glory. We'd have to cut out the carbonation jets, then drain it out, just a hassle.
The Outdoor Section
Isn't great to just stretch out your legs and enjoy the natural essence of nature? We think so too! In fact, we thought it'd be great to bring this outdoors to you! To bring the realism in our outdoor vicinity, we decided to extract a part of the woods up in the mountains and bring it in! You get everything, the bugs, the predators, and even the reconstruction by us! Part of this is also a full golf course. Please don't hit the monkeys. They're expensive.
Sports
Probably the emptiest part of the store. No one likes to work out. As a matter of fact, the most profitable item here is the water bottle. But this place is beautiful! Filled with a web of bicycles, camping equipment next to the outdoor section and the the "Spalding Shrine!" An elaborate tent decorated with equipment on a nearby Aisle. The only way to gain access to it is crossing the bridge of kayaks and canoes. Have fun.
Fabric
In a well-defined section in the center of the store is eighteen acres of fabric racks. There's a handy map on the directory that shows which fabrics can be found where, which was helpful on the first three hours the store first opened its doors, but now it's completely meaningless, because no single bolt of fabric has been in the right place since. Once you make your selection out of the 893,861,043,602,771,343,998,454,221,659,231,749,115,666 fabrics available in the giant pile behind the fabric counter (and nowhere else), make your way to the back of the line in the children's craft kits and wait six to eight weeks for the 23 quilters ahead of you to get a quarter yard cut of every single fabric in the store twice by the only employee in this department, who hasn't had a break since 1135...
...B.C.
By the way, that number spelled out is: Eight hundred ninety three dodecillion, eight hundred sixty one undecillion, forty three decillion, six hundred two nonillion, seven hundred seventy one octillion, three hundred forty three septillion, nine hundred ninety eight sextillion, four hundred fifty four quintillion, two hundred twenty one quadrillion, six hundred fifty nine trillion, two hundred thirty one billion, seven hundred forty nine million, one hundred fifteen thousand six hundred sixty six.
Electronics
You want to see something funny? All these guys use these smartphones, laptops and TVs and they have no idea how to work things out! The employees here love to get easy money showing customers what's the difference between HDMI and USB and even more so how what an "Android" means. With a wall of badly calibrated televisions and radios begging to be cranked to max volume, this is one of the more popular locations in the store.
Meat
A room full of corpses on giant hooks isn't scary, right? No, it is delicious. Here in the meat section, you'll only find the finest fish dipped in the freshest of dyes, beef in decorative patterns (Brown spots? Those are imported polka dotted cuts! Have you no class?) and chicken that always smells like it's been swimming in that liquid for a year. We also provide more exotic cuts like tenderloins for chicken fingers! Wait...that's not a chicken finger.
Pets
It's like a zoo, but with motor oil next to it. Still makes it natural, right? This is where you go to get a goldfish, maybe get a dog, or maybe pet a komodo dragon. By the way, don't pet the komodo dragon. This is literally our little zoo away from the wild. Some animals like to run to the outdoor section, but we go to the pharmacy and shoot some strangely power OTC pills in their gob. Knocks 'em out cold!
Pharmacy
Some drugs are bad for you. The ones that have all those nicknames and bad packaging. Barto-Mart on the other hand, likes to give you the drugs that are helpful! For a place where failed medical assistants are supposed to keep this in line, we sure have a number of junkies nearby. Is this why we arm our workers with super soakers filled with cough syrup? Maybe.
Loading/Stocking Area
You know we left all of the pretty decorations and the safety hazards for our customers. You know what's left? Puddles and a lack of air conditioning for the workers out back. But! Don't fret! You don't have to see this mess at all! In this place, this is where you see the food and drink in packaged cubes. Boxes in boxes, it's a mind trip! Don't forget we have that one bathroom no one cleans and the break room that's always dirty. Can't blame that on the customers, guys. Let's get to it.
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