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As I lay awake again in the wee hours of the morning, a time with nothing to do leaves plenty of time to think. Its at these moments at the day when my anti-depressants lose their hold, and I get a glimpse of the real person I am; Unmediated; Sober; Real.

Recently I've taken to a realization that a person of my age isn't very welcome on these threads anymore. And though I cling to this site for nostalgia reasons and better prospects in role-playing partners, I find myself again branching out to places that cater to more mature Role Players. Again I have found a site made for people like me, a person who craves more mature tails of fantasy and romance. I've spent two day's on this site so far, almost constant. I've been trying to figure out its unusual way of reaching partners, struggling to conform to a more direct approach of meeting and mingling with people, rather than the thread system of gaia that seems more like bating a fishing pole and waiting for bites, occasionally jiggling the lure in hopes of gaining attention.

Well its safe to say that of the third day, my messages and inquiries continue to go unanswered, and though I receive attention in the chats... the other characters only give me momentary glances, a simple hello, or chit chat before moving on to their own concern's and desires.....

Its disheartening.... to be left without attention. I can understand that from some stand point's that may seem a selfish thing to say. Attention always given a bad label, people just begging to be looked at, noticed, and admired. Its constantly put with selfishness, egotism, maybe even narcissism. But is it so wrong to just want to find someone who understands you?

And as I delve deeper into this line of thinking.... I come to wonder... am I wrong for wanting attention? Am I.... an Annoyance?

An annoyance.... that term seems to come up so much in my more sober line of thinking. And I can see why from certain standpoints. I'm a college senior, who's never held down a job for more than a year and who is currently enrolled in a very leisurely part time with no real idea when graduation will come. My life is lax, and care free both in part to my lack of outside encouragement or motivation to do better. I enjoy this lifestyle due to the circumstances I've written down in earlier journal entries. A large chunk of funds set aside to help my physically disabled father lived suddenly went unnecessary with his passing.... and it was decided that this fund would be divided into four shares, a large chunk to the widowed wife, and three smaller shares to the three sons of the late father.

Essentially I live off of a 'college fund' but I live with all of my needs paid for from it, including housing, food, and even some small side bonus of entertainment here and there. But unlike my brother's who have managed to supplement their incomes by sharing rent with close personal friends/room mates and job's that not only treat you more than a custodian but also pay better too.... I have found neither in my solitude and just hide away in my cozy little home, spending the most out of the three brother's and drying up my share the fastest.

I'm essentially a leech... living off something I never really earned... and using it up the fastest of three people. I don't deserve any of it, and worse is I don't respect this privileged at all by doing well in school with the freedoms of stress I'm given from such benefits.


I'm a horrible person for squandering such privileges so selfishly... and when it's all gone I will have no one to blame myself. I'm a money waster, a sloth... and an attention grabber.

So does that not make me an annoyance.... a pest that doesn't deserve this life.




I will add this final note. I posted this here not to grab attention, but because it would be the least noticed of all places. I don't want people tying it to my real self, or fearing this to be some form of a suicide note (I've actually had that happen before... not fun) and well, Even if one person notices and wants to help.... I'd be happy for that support..... But in the end, I'm just looking for a place to silently put my thoughts.