------Not being able to breathe or making it hard to breathe, Its a scary thing. Its weird, for me because sometimes I inflict it on myself. In a way, sometimes I pile random heavy objects on myself such as suitcases, and my guitar cases, and other things; as a form of relaxation. I ask my family and my friends too sometimes when I'm a that point where I can't move anymore. They give me that weird look with the "wtf" expression on their faces, and when I tell them: "It's relaxing." They either roll their eyes, say I'm weird, ask how, and comply. Its relaxing to me because as I pile heavier things, it gets harder to breathe. So in turn I take in deep breaths more, and relax my muscles. I close my eyes. I feel it, the weight of everything, physically and emotionally bearing down on me. Sometimes It gets so relaxing that it feels nice, just to stop breathing and actually die from asphyxiation. But then I realize I'm stronger than this and I culminate my strength to push off the weight, physically and emotionally. And I come out stronger, albeit slightly tired and light. But its a nice feeling, that feeling of weightlessness for a brief few seconds, as my body adjusts to not having all that pressure on it.
------I guess I'm also afraid of suffocating other people. I know admiration based on attraction is very suffocating. Because one person expects so much from another and, that other person is only human. I know I was a victim of this type of suffocation. Ironically I also happened to do so to another. I'm afraid of doing so again. I never realize how bad it actually is until she told me. Like how her co-worker who had a crush on her, would constantly talk to her, and try to help her with her job, trying to look all macho. She isn't interested. And his constant interactions with her made her hate her job slowly, so she tells him to give her space. And that one day where they don't interact, is actually one of the better days she enjoys her work. It made me realize that maybe I had suffocated someone who I had that deep admiration and attraction for. I strongly believe that admiration based on attraction is suffocating. I wonder if that's why I'm afraid to be with you. (You know who you are). And I wonder if that's why I feel like I threw your love away, because I was afraid of suffocating you. I'm sorry love... forgive me?
Thanks for reading! This is Anikacy, breathing deeply...
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