There is this dark stain in my soul that I know can never be washed away. Its like a piece of decay just rotting away inside my heart. No matter how much I try to forget about it or mask its presence I know its still there. There are times when the stench of it is so strong; it clouds my mind and the thought of death becomes more enticing. I'm going to kill myself one day. I made an oath to myself before my 28th birthday that I'd do it if I wasn't living a happy life.
Happiness comes in waves for me. There are small pockets of it salt and peppered throughout my life. I know I'm resilient and I know I'm strong. But if I really am that durable then why do I feel these thoughts. I will probably end my life when I'm older. Its strange that I almost feel like I understand in a way why Anthony Bourdain or Chester Bennington hung themselves. That when you're that old and successful; you'd feel like you did everything right, a feeling content kicks in. And with it comes the feeling that you've experienced everything you want to experience in this world. And now might be a good tie to just die, because I want to be the one in control of when that happens. And had I had choice to be born I probably would have chosen to not exist. This darkness will never go away no matter how good everything might become or is right now. Somehow looking at them it makes me feel like that's going to be me one day. I'll be successful and I'll be happy one day. But there's this stain that will always remain.
I think I've lived a good life and I'm content to die right now,
Thank you for everything
View User's Journal
My Book
I've been writing in this since I was thirteen in 2007. I still am writing in it, and it will probably be my legacy till the day I die. (Don't start reading from the beginning as my writing was atrocious then.)
 |
