|
|
|
(Just something I wrote to try and get my feelings and emotions out. ._. wink
Escuse me you're writing your own tragedy, Filled with this shelter of pain. I'll reach out for you, i'll call your name. And in time i'll heal these wounds that you left so deep and yet so shallow. If I could be like the wind,i'd flow to your side, if I could shine like the moon, i'd shine on you. I'd do or be anything, just to be with you..again.. My Heart can't keep pretending, the stitches are gone. My mind won't let me remember, life without you, once again, all alone.
I'll write untill my fingers bleed, shallow tears for which you seak to become that new person you've fought to find. Sitting on a doorstep, the front porch or the little chair by your play house. The wind will whistle like a song birds cry through the air, through the night. I'll let it bring out that we all know how lonely you feel.
This time I'll have this praise, to think of you, and better days. To have my best friend, sitting by my side. What happened to the better days when we were out running in the sand? My hand in yours, our eyes locked on each other so deep I could almost pierce through you into your very soul. Like looking into a transparent mirror but reading every thought every memory, every emotion. This is what it's like to break down, to your knees. Don't cry, don't care about me. Stop saying sorry, you don't mean it. Stop telling lies to make yourself feel better.
We all grow up, the more we wish, then we spend our whole life, wishing we were young again. The beauty in this break down is that, I haven't cried in months, I haven't felt pain or emotion in weeks. I haven't thought about your name for days. This winding path with narrow ridges and a mispoken haze. These eyes that burn from the flames in your heart. This feeling that we don't care, because we don't want to cry. When your muscles feel like they're giving out, and your whole life just tossed you over board. The Feeling that you're searching for a glowing door in a dark room, but never find the handel. Like reading the black words on the black walls in this black room..
Like hearing a child cry but watching it sleep soundly in it's room. You know you're losing it, you know you're going mad. That sad part is, is it really, all that bad? The fact that you've lost, total control? You can't feel emotion, you have no place to go? You don't have a care, why ask? Why knock? No one's there.
Like your parents have up and walked out, your boyfriend or girlfriend just told you to ******** off. They sit you down, they say they care, but when it all comes down and you need them..They're never there. Every smile has faded, all is lost, all is jaded. It's all fake, your hopes are gone, so are your dreams; of running in that field with your loved one holding your hand. Watching the world pass you by but letting this happiness slip through your fingers like grains of sand.
This time, we've all waken up, Hello, this is your reality speaking. This is the call that you never check the I.D twice. You won't be sure, take this advice.. Lock them out. Let them in, throw them out, make your bareings thin. Break that glass, show them you're in control. In all that comes around, they'll never ******** know..No matter how long you've been going crazy..You'll always be that little child, sitting in your corner, with your teddy bear, all of fuzz. That small gleam in your eyes that is shadowed by tears from your mothers screams and your fathers lies. The bruises and cuts on your arm, the dark marks under your eyes. Your ears bleeding from how hard you've cried.
Hush now, go to sleep. I won't let them hurt you, this precious child..I'll be the one next to you, bleeding from this knife.
Raina_Skyver · Sun May 15, 2005 @ 03:47pm · 1 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
|
[Sorry] By. Me. o_0
Pick it up, We've fallen apart. Broken pieces mended in your shallow, shattered heart. A wound is searing with acid blood stained in red. Maybe I'll wake up by your side tonight...
There's nothing you can do, There's nothing you can say, I'll let my hand slip from yours, And go my own way. A dark beaten path, runs thick into a shadow. Mending the flesh with screams so hollow.
This time, I'll say what I want to say. "I love you" just wasn't working for me this time. It's like a slap in the face. It's sad how easily I was erased, I'm so sick of every song bieng about you.
Slipping into an eternal sea of ocean blue, The water sculding my lungs and mind with thick memories of you. No one is here, nothing can bend the rules for my crime. I just hope to wake up in a dark room of a better time.
And Maybe I'll walk around with your picture in my pocket, Your ring on my finger, Your heart in my hand. And maybe i'll smile just to see that glow in your eyes. Something told me when you pushed I should walk away this time...
Raina_Skyver · Wed May 04, 2005 @ 02:46am · 1 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Yeah well, comps out, in trouble, sums it up. e.e Don't know when i'll be back.
I feel sick so this post sucks. x.x;; I knew that muffin looked suspicious. crying
: Holds stomach and runs feverish cheeks. x.x;;!!!
I swear, this week has been awful. Owell, No use complaining about the past, that's kinda why it's behind you. o_0
Somestimes we think, Soemtimes we see things. Sometimes I wish you were here.
I would like to reconsider waking up, I'd like to remember yesterday, Wih upon this star again and cling to my pillow tight I wish you'd protect me forever, Mommy, right by my side.
Candy canes and fake jewelry rings. Little tea partys and the girlfriends. Mr.Teddy telling me it's ok.
Ok...Besides the fact that my mood is off so that thing I just wrote sucked, my necklace just broke o_o I wans't doing anything, the b***h just fell off. x.o;;;!!!
NOT MY WEEK!!! x____x GAH! I bet i'm going to get deathly ill. e.e;; WTH did I do? x.o;
Geh! I'll just think it over then try to fix anything. I'm not guilty about s**t...Ok..There is soemthing...Geh, I'm gonna toss my cookies. X.X BYE
Raina_Skyver · Sat Apr 30, 2005 @ 11:12pm · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
What on earth am I waiting for? |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Heh, not much has happened this week. I don't really care at this point. sweatdrop I guess I should be happy that all my friends are doing better, My grades are rising and School's almost out. But.. Eh... : Shrugs. :
I'm just in a bleh mood. ._.; Here's an OC Pic I drew.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v202/MyPain/sketching.jpg
Not my original pose. e.e
Raina_Skyver · Sun Apr 24, 2005 @ 12:36am · 1 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
|
BWAHAHAHA!, Ok, Not only am I too lazy to finish talking about day before yesterday, but, I don't really remember much now. x_o;; So, I shall leave you with this oowsome pic I drew of God, Bow mother fuskers!!!
Raina_Skyver · Thu Apr 21, 2005 @ 11:46am · 1 Comments |
|
|
|
|
Not breaking down. x_o;;;! |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Ok, Yesterday was not my day what so ever.
I woke up drowsy as hell but that's kind of normal now since I've lost my sleep pattern Yet again. ~_~;
Went to school and Katie was having some probs with Nick, God I ******** hate him. -.- She wanted me to skip dressing out but I was already dressed. x.X; So she walked off in teh depression. ._.; Which, she's one of my best friends there and I'm always there for friends, so Ba da da! Supa' Lycan to the rescue o.O;!
So as she was going out the doors to the track I had already re-dressed and was waiting for her. We walked aorund the track and talked it out and I suggested breakingup wit him. I cna't ******** stand him, He's such a a** hole -_- Damn control freaks and Having sex while you're on your period is just Gross D8 So, I told her to go home and call her sis and talk it out since her sis was helping her too. I love Katie like a Sis' I'm gonna' miss her if we move ,_, If/when, Parents can't make up their minds. e.e
Anyways, 2nd I was..A little out there o.o; Sarah was bieng kinda grouchy so I stared of into space..As usual <__<; Eh, nothing special in that class, 3rd I finally finished my carving. ^o^ I'll try to scan is after it's done. It was a b***h.
4th, Was when I started getting nervous for no reason. There was so much damn noise and movement. x_x; Me and Jamie went outside and did our work on the steps since The teacher Kind of knew it was hard to work in so much noise ( Group work on the greek and Trojan War ) And Is at in the sun and worked on my Sexy tan don't cha know. o__O; Jamie was rubbing my arm and Bieng wierd. XD Me and her have been happily married ay husbands since we stoned our wife to death. ^_^
5th...OH! we got to do work on our career and crap. It appears that I have 1% Tollerance aorund children and just people. XD So, It said I was artistic and creative =o :MumbleS: No s**t ~_~; I didn't need a test to tell me that.e.e I gave me some random thing about what's most important in the job and Then gave me a list of 480 Jobs I could do o__o There was NO WAY in hell I was reading all those so I sat on Gaia.
6th, We had a Sub! : Dances with confetti, getting a piece in my eye: I'M BLIND! D8 Q.o HEh, He left us a worksheet with 82 Probs. @__@ Me and christina talked the whole period and I was feeling nervous again from all the chatter. We enede dup all copieng off each other and got it done. Woot.
Went home and Just loafed about I don't remember much but bieng Extremely irritied with almost everything. And Just pissing people off and laughing about it. <.< I finally went to go lay down because I was about to crack. PAssed out for some hours, G-ma slams the door open Yelling almost How my day Was and I was just. : Eye twitches: I jumped up and started yelling that ( To be continued x_x )
Raina_Skyver · Wed Apr 20, 2005 @ 11:52am · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
Falling up looking for you. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
It's ******** FREEZING! What the hell is wrong with florida!? crying I can't feel meh damn fingers or toes! I can barely feel meh boobs. D8
Mneh, moving on. >.>;;; I went to my aunts over the weekened, so, I wasn't on so much. I had a lot of fun and got meh mind pretty clear and didn'thave any worries. ^^ All stress free n' shyte. I cut 6 inches off my hair, still in the middle of my back. But it's all good in teh hood. o.0;
Erm, My temper is starting to come back. Jess said she liked me standing up for myself. Which, I do stand up for myself, just more IRL Since I'm somewhat more worried about what a physical hand and such can do to me then a cyber one. e.e; So yeah, I guess I should start acting how I do IRL to make everyone ******** happy. o_0
Mneh, I've still got people on my case for dumb s**t. Which I told half to ******** off and the rest haven't gotten the picture yet. o_o
Still got the rando' people liking me. And, I have no clue who I like anymore, seriously. x.X So, I can't give any of them a straight answer or answer their questions. Mneh, I should take a week off. ._.;!
Oh! I was trying to get a tan, sitting in my friends car. o_o I burnt meh arms! xd xd Well, they're actually somewhat tan now. O.O; But, it was pretty funny. Then She got stuck in the stearing wheel and I ran around the car with her cell phone and she had to roll out to get me. XD
Erm, it's too early to think and I'm cold and have to finish getting dressed. Laters, love and rest in pieces. </3
Raina_Skyver · Mon Apr 18, 2005 @ 11:42am · 3 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
|
I put my thoughts on papper, only to bleed them out. I'm sitting here remembering this week, and wish I could forget so ******** much.
:Sigh.: Ok, I know s**t happens, you should move on and forget about it. But I'm not very good with letting go.
Yeah well, I'll start with monday. e.e; Since, I guess I owe everyone the knowledge of why I've been so depressed lately. So anyways, Saterday night er...early Sunday morning.x.x Jessi got back from her Cruise. I was so ******** happy to see her, Which, I almost slept right through the weekened. Anyways, she was really happy and such and showing me her Tan lines. xd And then somehow we started talking and snuggling and what have you and She said she was reminded of why she fell in love with me. We were just Chattering, but how I felt...Was just..Like we had really went back to how it used to be, When I was really happy, and that kept me with a smile for hours.
She went off to bed and I stayed up for the rest of the day. When she got back on, it's like, she didn't care at all. ._. And wanted absolutely nothing to do with me, really bishy. >.>; And That night had been stuck on my mind all day, I talked to Squeks about it, and she said it wasn't right for her to lead me on like that and that I need to find out what her intentions were.
Finally, I worked up the courage to go ask. I wish I hadn't... She said she does love me and what have you, but she couldn't be with me. = She was stopping herself of something. And I asked her why, she said she was too young for that commitment, or she was just done bieng curious with girls.
Well, when you let someone that close to your heart, and I mean really, I had been the biggest b***h before I met her, I didn't care about anyone. No one got close, so I never got hurt. I had never been in love, she was my first. And to hear that, Made me feel used, like my feelings didn't matter. I was just an experiment. u_u;
Well, After that I stopped talking, I had nothing to say, and if I would've tried, it probably would've been screaming. I have a nice gash in my lip now. I almost couldn't stand it, ********, I couldn't.
Squeks asked what happened that morning, I told her, and she ******** Laughed. o_o She said now I know how it felt to be used. Like I'm the one who ******** used her! ( squeks ) And that didn't ******** help AT ALL. It's one thing to hear that s**t from the person you're in love with, but then your best friend laughing in your face...
Well, that afternoon, I went into my parents bedroom and found her old carrieng case,..Where she kept her gun...Took it back to my room, and sat there for a bit. I put the barrel to my head and tried to force the tears to stop. Squeks got online, and I put it down. Mostly because I wanted to say a bit more to her.
Come to find out, she was just pissed off with her own problems about some chick. e_e;!!! I guess it was a relief..And I'm glad I didn't pull the trigure.
We talked it out, and both felt better. I'd made it through Tuesday kind of solomn and distant. But still alive.
Wednesday, I was doing a lot better, even tho Wednesday is a pretty big blur o_o I seriously don't remember anything exept working on my proj, Talking to Tara about how I was going to be up all night doing it and presenting it with Jamie, WHO! by the way Didn't come to school so I had to do it aloone. >.>! : glare glare: Mneh, but we got an A <_<
Then after I thought all was going good...Yesterday, Jessi came on, farely happy. And told me Worlfgate asked her to marry him. e.e I just remember starring at the screen and Digging my teeth into my tongue and lip and didn't even feel or notice it till I had blood all over my hands, leg and chair. x.X; Had fun cleaning that up.
Squeks IMed me, already knowing. Tried to make me feel better, but nothing was really working. So, I went outside, tried to climb on the roof but the b***h is to angled for my to pull myself up. So I walked up and down the road, thought about going over to the bridge...
Ended up trying to calm myself and Tried running, I got about 5 feet then fell to my knees in tears. So yeah, nothing was really working. I just sat on the side of the road ( Dirt road BTW, Country side don't cha know. e.e;; ) Drew in the sand with a stick and watched the trees sway around me. Went to go walk in my backyard and this ******** Dog Ran out of My neighbors house barking and it annoyed the hell out of me. and to make things worse, the dogs Name was Jessi -___-!!! It got pretty close to me and I smashed my fist against it's face. Not like punched it..Bitchslapped the b***h. o_O; xd
So heh, went inside, talked to rando' people. nothing big, later that night Squeks IMed me and she said I could become bitter like her, and I said I already was, pushing people away. More ranting and then I was trying to change the convo, Plus my arm really did smell good o.O;;; But With my brilliant typos I spelt out "rm" and she thought I ment room. I asked how could I taste my room, she took it for bitchy/rude and said She'd save me the trouble of pushing and left. o_o;
This time, i'm not appologizing, It wasn't rude, And it wasn't my damn fault. I'm sick of always saying sorry when I didn't even do s**t. e.e
Heh, talked to Rvaya and Elen, And of course These people have gotten to know me well and when I'm down so I got about 100 " If you need me or anyone to talk to , I'm here" From just about everyone. @.@ Which, I know they just care, and I'm glad someone does, makes me feel less alone. ._.; I love those kooks. : Huggles them all.: <3
Imed Jess, Talked a bit And All I could do was make sure anything in my room that reminded me of her was out of my site. Heh...Time won't heal me. = But maybe Starting to let myself be more open and let feelings and thoughts out will help me through it.
Well, I'm done babbling. o_o; And all I'll say is that I leave this two songs Ded. To Jessi.
Goo goo dolls - Black balloon Frou frou - Hear me out
Raina_Skyver · Fri Apr 15, 2005 @ 06:17pm · 4 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Don't ******** worry about it.
Pay close attention. You'll hear her lies on feathered whispers. You'll see how ugly the world truley is. You'll see how fake love ******** is.
Maybe you can't understand how much it hurts. While I fall helplessly from the sky. I feel my body crash. Crashing down into this pit. I see the fear, begging me to submit.
This heart of mine will close and rot away. Baby when I look into your eyes I just break down. I can't hear the sound of your voice, it rings in my ears. Your smile is the worst memory I could ever feel.
In spite of how much this blade digs in, it's not enough. I'm sorry I fell in love with you. I didn't know I was just a toy for you. Dangle me from the threads of my heart like a puppet.
I'm drowning in this sea of hurt. This web of lies keeps me trapt inside my mind. I never thought i'd let you go. Now, I know I won't.
I was wondering if you knew, last monday, I had the barrel of a 45 pressed to my skull... Egging myself on to pull the trigur and just let go. I gave you everything, and you left me ripped in two.
I stopped cutting, just for you... I stopped crying, Stopped faking my smiles. Stopped begging to die. And this is what you do...
It was all for you, you've got me where you want. I'll bend, I'll break, I'll snap in two. Just stop breaking my heart. I was wondering if you knew, I bought you a ring...I carry it around sometimes and think of how life could've been...
I was wondering if you knew, I find it hard to hate him... Wondering if you knew, I can't feel anything anymore. Thinking of you, I sit alone in the dark, I'll cry myself to sleep tonight.
They told me no, told me to let go. Let it stop, put it to an end, Tell you off. But everytime I pushed, you seemed to pull me back..Without even meaning to.
I look at your heart now...And wonder if I was shut out. I hold my heart in my hand now, and I watch it fade away. I look at your pictures by my bed, and want to scream it out. I look at the pendant, that signifys your love... Bringing tears to my eyes I hide it behind your pillow.
Just let me let this sink in...Let this memory rot away... I can't promise you i'll be back..Or ever be the same.
I won't promise to get on the next day, or the early morn.. I can't promise I'll answer the phone now... Or if you'll ever hear my voice again. I can't tell you everything's ok...I know it's not. I won't wish you well bieng, or a happy wedding day.
I can't keep letting my mind slip..And just tell myself I want you happy.. I do...But I know It'll eat me alive. I can't tell you what's on my mind. I don't want you or friends to worry. I won't heal, not this time. I won't fake this ******** smile. I won't tell you I'm just fine.
Let me bleed, let me die. I will not bend, i'll only break. Who needs a heart, when heart's only break. It's ok...I'll close my heart..I'll hope to die.. Maybe i'll pull this trigure..and Say goodbye.
Raina_Skyver · Thu Apr 14, 2005 @ 10:37pm · 1 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|