but actually it's just sad
welcome to five minutes of warm up ranting.
at this point i am a little over a month away from 23 and have developed that odd, half-suppressed fear of updating my Facebook profile pic because i've realized i've once again failed to keep in touch with most of my so-called friends.
i only speak to one person on the regular, my lovely (is he my boyfriend yet, commitment-phobe) guy and instead of a steady stream of intimate vomit as i would have preferred, our conversations are more like turkey stuffing. not even giblets. i'd like to think giblets are authentic. but i still love him and by god will i be better than his ex at everything. i am a very chill person.
thanksgiving was small; i roasted my first turkey in a hot tub of cooking wine, stuffed with onions and personally rubbed all over with butter. and i made sweet potatoes. and two of my would-be-more-attractive-if-they-bothered-to-put-any-effort-guys-please-try-harder-for-instagram friends came over. and honestly their hearts are more beautiful than instagram queens. except nobody can photograph hearts and nobody has programmed gut instinctual reactions to integrity, loyalty, and kindness.
******** you all.
next, i am itching to manifest my potential and make sense of this inner peace hoozydinkle. i mean this forgiveness and living in the moment s**t sounds like bullshit manufactured to keep the commoners penniless and powerless, but maybe i should give it a try if only because stress manifests in the skin and i'm too old to not be flawless, like this decade is all i have and the 20% that i've used up already is pretty
that said reviewing my Facebook from the very beginning was very interesting. i learned that i actually haven't changed much as a person. the only difference is i keep my depression and low-self esteem to myself now. i also had an awakening in which i realized that while the social media game is ******** abhorrent, you may as well play it anyway because machiavelli is still a big ******** deal.
and my boyfriend is still a very calm guy as he was then. and i will ******** up his ex if she ever gets within a five mile radius. ******** you b***h i can totally beat him at chess too playing black. never mind that he's even better now than he was then. i'll do it.
and one would say to pursue such things is "petty" (i've been called petty) and "not looking at the long term." but i've realized that looking to the long-term may cause cardiovascular problems, honestly.
these "should dos" make no sense. like, says who? why is it society has regulated humanity such that we should do things to live otherwise we are destitute and cold and ignored shaking a paper cup in the rain?
supply and demand. your happiness is not in huge demand by the general populace. what they want is their own happiness and convenience. but let's limit this compromise to the bare minimum.
for me, this means i will have a hilarious fun time doing what i want while pulling together some mfa applications in the upcoming months. oh god.
i woke up two days ago with him in a really talky mood. he said, there are two kinds of people in the world. those who care too much and those who don't care enough.
i like waking up in the morning with him. he's very huggy. he grabbed me and said, don't go i'll miss you. he's very sweet. i want to appreciate those moments fully so that looking back the images will be vivid like photographs. but that seems impossible for me to do. at the very least i want to be blissfully happy for as long as i
five minute rant over.
wasn't that entertaining for everybody.