so my christmas was...
i somehow forgot that christmas was on the 25th so i bought tickets home for the 31st (wow they are so cheap, i remarked, for christmas day tickets).
hahaha seriously why the ******** are there 6 days between christmas and new years it makes no sense.
so i spent christmas alone in my room except at lunch when my dad drove two hours up from baltimore and we went to a restaurant.
my dad doesn't know how to dress himself. he was really pleased with this tan trench coat he picked up from goodwill for like $20 (he told me about how cheap it was during thanksgiving as well) and he paired it with khakis and a gray shirt. dad you look like a camel. also he tips terribly, but as the recipient of a free meal, i don't feel like i can say anything.
anyway i was enjoying the solitude and the brain-numbness that comes from surfing the web pointlessly. it's a kind of nihilism.
i helped a kid with her college essays today and we fought each other for the right to buy coffee and she won by out-maneuvering me and then she gave me chocolates as well. and i am bad with warm emotions so i just looked really uncomfortable and said, look, you really didn't have to. oh god. i'm embarrassed. i love people but i'm pretty awkward at showing it.
aaaaahhhhh and now my roommates are back playing ping pong against my wall come on guys shut the ******** up and go back to your ski trip vacations; i was enjoying the quiet.
i do not know if anyone can relate to this choking feeling of needing to express something but not sure how to get it out?
probably just horny lol. i keep thinking about that guy that things almost worked out with except that i decided that getting good grades and a job was more important than dating a ******** sexy archaeologist. not sure what i was thinking tbh. ugh. i could maybe possibly be ******** a sexy archaeologist but instead i have 25 poems to edit tonight for this year's lit mag, and a research paper on proteins. so many proteins to research.
well i got $80 for christmas and that was it. not sure what to do with it. probably buy late christmas gifts for my family and best friend. not really big on christmas, being a filthy atheist and all. kind of want to decorate a tree though even though the tradition makes no sense.
i am going to force myself to focus for my own good or tonight will slip away like yesterday night and the night before that and the night before that and the night before that too. i often feel only half-awake and incredibly unproductive; time just slips by. i don't know if you can relate to that either.
to be honest i just want the d.
EDIT: instead of writing the literal last 3 pages of my paper, i stayed up til 5 trying to fuse tam lin and then i continued on until now, 8:40 pm. it is near endgame, but i will save that til later REALLY.
moral dilemma: is it really cheating if the social link guides tell you that one of them is going to break up with you anyway? i maxed out both ai ebihara and naoto's social links because i love them both, but really, i feel cheated that i couldn't have kanji...or make yosuke more uncomfortable.
my life really is obvs very fulfilled. i literally have not set foot outside my apartment today. during summer vacation, i can stay inside for a week, and not talk to anybody, just write and do internetty things until i run low on food. the only thing that forces me out is a need to take long walks around the city to feel less restless and find inspiration. i guess i don't really need to be around people, but it's occasionally nice.
this trait is very conducive to relationships with real people obvs. i have accepted the fact that i will never be that person with a thousand facebook friends. the plus side is i can be whoever i feel like because people don't know me well enough to notice when i'm acting out of character.
if i could live forever, i'd change my name all the time and my personality too. it'd be a lot of fun.
s**t how'd it get to be 9:21.