sora wonk
Community Member
i'm really tired
so i picked up two new jobs now in the hopes of making a little more money and maybe finally afford those copic markers because i have three in different shades of blue and they blend so beautifully.

i work every day of the week now and november has generally been a really bad month, like weird and awful s**t keeps happening me and i can't help but feel like my luck is not good.

and it's compounded by the fact that i'm tired and stressed, so small things seem bigger and i mess up more as well.

so to manage it, i write it down, but i don't want to make you anxious so do not read about it please.

today i started my new job selling books. it's in a tent for some christmas event. it's hella cold. weird people come out at night.

there was a lady. she was maybe 60, fat, in sweats, wheeling a laundry cart, and carrying a great deal of cash in a plastic sandwich bag. she buys some books and i don't have enough change.

i leave the stand to get change from nearby vendors. when i get back, there's a $20 on the table and she's picking up cash and putting it into her bag. so i think she's dropped it and give it to her. but start counting to make sure i didn't make a mistake.

when i counted it, there was fifteen $20s like i remembered. and she counts hers too. and before she leaves, she says, "be careful with your money, hon, it's night and you're all alone." and i say, "thanks."

i count again and there's only fourteen $20s. typical of me on my first day of work.

the day before i was at work and forgot about a woman waiting for pharmacy because three calls came in and i put someone on hold (and also forgot about the hold). i made the person on the phone wait 8 minutes and the lady waiting for pharmacy wait an hour because i forgot them.

i'm really tired. i finished an assignment from one job in the middle of the shift for another job. i haven't had time to buy groceries. and i haven't gotten enrolled in payroll yet for the new jobs so i'm just tired and spending more on food and travel while still on the same salary.

the weirdos come out at night. that thing with the fat old woman made me almost believe in witchcraft because i cannot for the life of me understand how that $20 ended up on the table. i had the entire purse with me, didn't i, when i was getting change? or no? i can't remember.

i'm having a lot of trouble remembering. i have always been absent-minded at best, but it took me three tries to count up the total sales today. i had to remake the spreadsheet twice because i kept ******** up.

those copics and affording katsucon are my only consolation. i hope i get paid soon and i hope i get into everything i applied for and i hope i can think clearly enough to figure out my life because i keep changing my mind depending on my mental state. i feel deep in my gut that i really should just go for the impractical things i love. but it's hard to stick to that certainty.

i'm generally really disappointed in humanity. one professor never wrote my rec like he said he would and the lady who said she would be happy to write one for me never responded.

only one professor got his in time and it's cuz i sat down and talked to him. there's no sense of honor.

and i think maybe people think infps are selfish because they expect you to help them when they don't even talk to you often, but it's because i run on a moral code that the rest of the world doesn't follow. it's my obligation to help those who ask me. but to others, it's only their obligation to help people they talk to and "know."

i don't know.

i'm really stressed and it's only gonna get colder in that ******** tent. gonna sleep at 9 so i can withdraw my week's budget in cash, and be prepared to pay $20 to my bookseller boss for being negligent.

and i hate hate hate how when i told him, him and his nice wife said, "don't worry about it" and wouldn't even hear me through. son, you run a ******** business. you have to care about these details and if money goes missing, you have to hold your employees responsible. for some reason, that pissed me off even more. i could be a ******** psychopath klepto and disappear with your bank. maybe it makes me anxious that some people don't look out for themselves? i don't even know entirely why that upsets me so much.

i guess it's been a bad month. a part of me hopes that it's been bad so it can be good later, some kind of universe balance. but i can't give into that kind of superstitious thinking.