I'll try to not make this journal entry as long as the last one. x:
Something strange is happening in my family. My parents rarely fight but it seems like lately they're fighting constantly. Yesterday my mom said she wants to run away and went into her room crying. I still don't understand fully what's going on. When my grandma was first diagnosed with lung cancer my mom promised to stop smoking, because she knows how hard it is on me. I believed her like always, and to seal the deal she said that for every pack of cigarettes she smoked she would give me $200. Well that deal faded away. Quickly. Nearly a month later my mom started smoking again, full blast. She says she's going to try and quit again. So many excuses. I know it's extremely difficult to quit smoking, though I've never experienced it before. But the lies are beginning to tear me apart.
It all started when our family was on vacation in Hawaii. My mom was off buying water and while she was gone I was trying to find the Pringles, when I found something a lot less satisfying. A pack of cigarretes. I thought to myself "My mom hasn't smoked in 10 years, these can't be hers." But I was angry. The feeling in my gut told me that she had been hiding something from me for a while. When she came back I showed her the pack and she confessed that she had been smoking. I asked her for how long and she said since she had started studying for the BAR a test that you must pass in order to basically become a lawyer. She told me it was stressful and the cigarettes calmed her down. I was in so much shock, that I didn't know what to say. I just sat back down and continued to tan, completely unaware of how long this would go on for.
Well over one year later my mom is still smoking. I know when she leaves to smoke when I hear the outside door to her bedroom creak. I've learned to hate that noise, almost instinctively. I don't stand up to her because what is the use. She's lied to me so many times over the year. I feel so alone sometimes. Screaming and screaming but no one can hear me. I cry almost every day when I'm alone in my room. There is so much tension in my house from my parents, and I can barely stand it. I'm suffocating and all of the windows are locked. Sometimes I feel like I want to run away.
I don't usually talk in this much detail about my life, but I needed to let out some of my stress. If you read all of this, thanks.
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