The constant reminder of how much of a disappointment I am to my family is starting to finally take its toll on me. It's making me sick. My connection with the people I love is being steadily yanked at when I find little things in what they say to be grossly frustrated at. I can't seem to keep a steady relationship with my father or mother. I feel so ******** broken. And I feel like things will not change. I WANT to change. But I can't stop sitting in my own s**t because I've become so comfortable in it. I want the will to live -- do I need God ? Because therapy is doing nothing for my progress it seems. I so want to off myself - the heavy financial burden on my family will be lifted - I can stop eating their food, wasting their living space, receiving useless treatment, wasting college money, wasting their tears and always decimating their trust and happiness. I KNOW they love me, but if I feel they would be better off living without me then it should not matter. I am hurting them more in life than I would in death long term. I deeply want to love a man, and I have loved, but my heart is so ******** toxic I am tearing everything up slowly. I am such a hypocrite and a b***h. I hate being lied to yet I cannot seem to be honest to those closest to me. I can't be open and say what's what. I can't even trust myself. I am laughing less and finding more reasons to raise my voice and be upset by what others say. I am finding more reasons to leave this planet. I am so weak. Life has not destroyed me, I have destroyed me. And the only thing keeping me here is the crippling fear of the afterlife and the pain I would cause my friends and family. I can't stand this. I gather the little strength I have to climb out of bed and do the things I enjoy everyday, but what does that leave for the things that will get me somewhere in life ? What does that leave for the hardships ?
“See what people don’t get
is that you can be doing okay for
days weeks months
and all it takes is one word, one look,
one wrong thing
and suddenly your body becomes an avalanche,
you become a disaster zone and
winter retakes your soul
and girls like me, we walk around with caution tape around
our fingers, with hearts so heavy that our arms
are sick of dragging them along with us, we are
cities that are constantly in danger
of being set on fire
i mean what if your own mind was the reason
you couldn’t sleep
what if you woke up this morning because your brain was
talking too loudly, what if the only time you feel
good about yourself
is when you feel
and girls like me and people like me and
rabbit-hearted lovers who just want to feel
the morning sun
without wondering if we should start our workouts now, who
just want to hug our families again without
worrying they’ll notice we reek of our own
who just want to go to our friend’s house without
turning down every food offered only to
we are so afraid of what will happen -
of what does happen -
when we slip for a second and our control
so we give into every word the voices in our head
are saying, we give up our thick hair
we give up our strong bones, we give up
calling this body
in search of an image that’s been
sold to us so strongly
we’d give up our everything
just to feel
and broken little human beings like me
we live like tornadoes and too-calm seas,
trapped in a horrific dance between
a beautiful and inspiring recovery and
opening our windows just to feel
the breeze and finding ourselves
stepping out on that ledge,
a deeper hunger in our hearts
than anyone ever sees: this
odd and sudden need
to just become a brittle white
to paint these empty streets."
WE WERE NEVER END GAME, I KNOW THAT,
BUT I GENUINELY CARED FOR YOU,
AND I THOUGHT YOU CARED FOR ME TOO.
I GET THAT YOU LOST INTEREST, I DON’T HOLD THAT AGAINST YOU,
BUT THERE WERE BETTER WAYS TO GO ABOUT IT
THAN IGNORING MY CALLS
I GAVE UP A LOT FOR YOU, I CHANGED
BUT I WAS NEVER GOING TO BE ENOUGH FOR YOU,
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU CAN CHARM YOUR WAY
INTO MOST GIRLS’ PANTS BY SMILING.
I WAS HONEST WITH YOU FROM THE START
ABOUT HOW I DON’T KNOW IF RELATIONSHIPS ARE FOR ME,
BUT YOU LIED TO MY FACE
ABOUT HOW YOU WANTED THAT
AND MORE WITH ME.
THEN YOU RIPPED IT ALL AWAY,
TURNED ON ME FOR CHAINING YOU INTO ONE.
I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU COULD TELL ME
THAT YOU WEREN’T READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP
WHILE YOU WERE ALREADY DATING HER,
BEFORE YOU EVEN TOLD ME YOU WANTED OUT.
I DESERVED THE TRUTH,
ESPECIALLY IF YOU WERE GOING TO LIE TO ME
BUT FLAUNT THE TWO OF YOU ALL OVER FACEBOOK.
I DESERVED YOU TO FACE ME,
NOT DODGY PHONE CALLS AND YOU DUCKING
WHEN YOU HAVE TO DRIVE PAST MY HOUSE.
YOU COULD NEVER BE HONEST
EVEN THOUGH YOU PRIDE YOURSELF ON BEING AN OPEN BOOK.
I’M A SELF-PROCLAIMED CLOSED BOOK, LOCK AND KEY,
BUT HERE’S THE TRUTH FOR YOU:
YOU’RE A COWARD AND AN a*****e,
AND I SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOUR PRETTY LIES NOW.
It all went so fast. I was with friends and we were talking and the next thing I know I'm in a Costco and then a sandwich shop, then eating cheesecake. I am guessing it was grand? I suppose my friends wanted to throw me a birthday weekend. I appreciated it. I did hydrocodone which was great in the moment, but afterwards I regretted it immensely. My arm has been asleep for over 12 hours and it's just now starting to work correctly. I have been nauseous and I haven't eaten since yesterday. I don't know, I'm sure that'll get better. In all, my Weekend was great. Despite a few things that have created little speed bumps in the road, I am good. My mom told me I could choose when to head back to clinic, as long as I finished treatment. That makes me happy, but I'm also somewhat nervous. I will have to focus more on myself now. I'll get to move into my apartment this week which is good. A lot of things are changing and I'm sure it's for the better.
While I feel somewhat saddened at the direction of my friends here, and our slow separation, there isn't much I can do about that. I can only worry about myself right now. Because that's all I really have.