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Ryo's Travels
My life & journey through MY eyes.
Anxiety, Part 3

"I'm tired of people making me feel like I'm less than...or can't do because I don't meet their expectations."

That's honestly what I was left saying after I was, yet again, scolded by my boss via text. This time it was because I forgot to put up posters for National Relaxation Day....posters that I ordered and were delivered on Friday and had been sitting in the back office at the Front Desk since then, unbeknownst to me.

So Sandy goes into the hotel on Sunday and doesn't see the posters and sends me a long a** text message about how I didn't put up the posters and how she doesn't trust me and always has to look after what I'm doing and blah blah blah. smilies/icon_talk2hand.gif At this point...each and every time this happens, I'm THAT much more over it. It being this job. It being hotels. It being my overall position in life and my current career path.

I couldn't help but think about how situations like this make me feel. It starts to have me thinking that maybe I'm not ready to move to the next step - working for an agency but I have to quickly shake those feelings and continue to truly believe in myself and my growth. I related this feeling to whenever Rob berates, belittles and attacks me...it takes almost everything in me to not want to give up, but I would be lying if I said it didn't take a hit on my self-esteem.

On a side note: I read somewhere that your partner is supposed to make you feel like the best possible version of yourself. All I could think about was the times I felt like absolute s**t and the damage my self-esteem and worth took because of it. Rough shittttttttt. Alas.

Anyway, *sigh* I find it hard to find a viable excuse for this because part of me feels like if my life was completely normal and wasn't a s**t storm...I would've still forgotten those damn posters.

But I should probably not be so hard on myself. Battling bouts of anxiety for the past two weeks, still working everyday, going to school, and starting to get in the mindset of job-hunting again....not to mention my faulty health issues and my relationship and possibly becoming the "bread-winner" while Rob goes to school starting next year, I kind of have A LOT going on.

And even after Zoomer I'll still be broke and needing to go visit friends and family often. That and I'm starting to become more comfortable with the idea that Zoomer just might not work out right now....and...I guess that's okay. But I am beating myself up over...yet another missed opportunity. I want it to stop. Stop missing these golden opportunities. I guess I was so consumed with working, making money and paying off this Discover bill that I didn't think to ask for more.

I read an article about being more assertive. Somehow this one stuck and I think I'll post a few things on my wall to remind myself to stick up for myself and what it is that I want a bit more. I just have to be smart about it.

I'm glad Zoomer is coming to an end soon though. I hope that this won't be a goodbye but a see you later. A see you later to an opportunity to work for a fast-growing tech company and get some good experience in the meantime. Come to think, I actually want to apply for two jobs right now. One in New York for Taboola, a company Meredith's friend works for that seems fun. The job position listed is for "Associate Media Account Manager" which sounds perfect....except for the New York part....and possibly the pay smilies/icon_sweatdrop.gif 47k down here is equivalent to at least 63k up there. The other job I already mentioned...it's at Forque's company as In-bound marketing coordinator. Don't really want to move back to DC, similar pay situation...but again a fast-growing start-up tech company that sounds like a lot of learning will be done.

I can't wait until the waves subside and the anxiety is over. I think I'll forgo going to Atlanta...and just send mom an extra $150. As much as I love to travel, I really need some time to myself. I'm seriously thinking about making Labor Day a four-day weekend for me and taking off either that Friday or (preferably) that Tuesday. I got to make sure that all my ducks are in a row and ready to transition into September if I opt for a four day weekend.

I literally...need...a break.

And I need to find a way to make a couple extra hundred bucks a paycheck.

But on a brighter note, I have seemed to catch up on my assignments for now and hopefully I can stay on track for the rest of the semester. smilies/icon_biggrin.gif

I'm getting there, promise.

Love smilies/icon_heart.gif


Mood: Getting There smilies/icon_smile.gif
Music: "Moving Forward" - Jessica Reedy from From The Heart

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