I need to keep praying.
My life is all over the place. Similar to how I was feeling a few months ago, I feel like I have so many great plans in the works but I literally can't even begin to conceptualize them fully until this credit card gets paid off.
Now, as we've discussed, Rick said that he would pay off my credit card bill. After a few false starts (to which he attributed to a hold being on his account to reject any charge greater than $750) we've now moved to trying to draw money from his BoA money management account which we won't have access to via his app until AT LEAST Thursday....and that STILL might not work.
So here's the plan...
I'm going to call him today and tomorrow, just to see how he's doing and warm him up a bit. Tomorrow I have to drop the news...."Do you have access to that BoA account yet? Classes start in less than two weeks and I was going to put the costs for them on my card (3k) but I can't since my balance is so high and I need them paid by like...next week." Boom.
He's been complaining to me each day about how he's losing thousands of dollars in the stock market since #brexit and I'm sitting here like.....I just want my money. It's just really frustrating because here we go again, ya know? Another guy that said he would help me out but can't even stick to his word. I'm pretty sick of it, to be honest.
It doesn't help any that my health is STILL all over the place. I thought the new medicine would stop making my stomach hurt if I ate while I was taking it...but last time I did it...my stomach started hurting as soon as I woke up and was unbearable for the rest of the day. I actually had to call out on Sunday because I just couldn't take it. Normally it dissipates around the time I took the medicine the previous day so if my shift started at 6pm instead of 5pm on that Sunday I would've made it...but alas. It was nice to have a day off and watch Bey slay the BET Awards.
Gosh, I should really take a day off more often. If my credit card was paid off I'd just work two extra shifts a week. What's actually most frustrating about it is that he's so dead set on having me go test drive this Infiniti model tomorrow when my priorities are fixated on starting school next month! Like...I'm lowkey pissed I have NO way to get up to Willow Grove where the dealership is...nor do I have the desire to test drive the Infinity....unless he's going to buy me one...then I can sell it....and pay off my loans and my credit card...and I need that confirmation in writing if that's something he's going to do!
So with my health depleting, I also find it increasingly difficult to work out like I want to...which is a no. It's tough seeing so many people reach and exceed their goals while I'm sitting here like.....blah.
I'm finding it increasingly difficult to focus on myself and my goals when I'm inundated each day with other people's life updates via Facebook and IG and of course that depressing feeling follows. I'm trying to stay away, to be honest.
I'm moving out of my house by September. It's time. I honestly need a space that is wholly and completely mine....that is open and free flowing and, in my mind, fosters free-flowing ideas, thought processes, and self-awareness. A place that doesn't feel stifled, or squished or dark, or confining, but a place that is all mine with enough space to breathe and be myself....where I don't need to consider anyone else.
Not too long ago I was recalling the time in college where I was in a large studio of sorts. I had all types language and text on the walls that was open, uplifting, and inspirational. Words and vibes that made me feel like I could do and be anything. That I was an overcomer...and that my circumstances would not be the death of me.
In retrospect, I'm proud of the progress I have made in the past three and half years but I still have a long way to go. At the end of the day, I choose love....but with that decision comes a very different path than if I chose......career or a life attached to no one but myself. But I'm going to run with it and make this work to the very best of my abilities.
At the end of the day....I choose love.
That means I choose him. I choose strength. I choose courage. I choose my family......and I choose me.
The last thing I need to do is to get this credit card paid off. That would open so many doors for me to really start planning the rest of my life...from this move...to expanding my savings...to growing my relationship and so much more.
I Choose Love.
Music: "I Choose You" - Keyshia Cole from Calling All Hearts
· Tue Jun 28, 2016 @ 07:41pm · 0 Comments