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Ryo's Travels
My life & journey through MY eyes.
Focus & Motivate
Honestly, I'll try to keep this relatively short smilies/icon_sweatdrop.gif

I really woke up this morning...kind of over it. Not really willing to communicate a whole lot with anyone. It was a sentiment that was definitely left over from my weekend home and luckily today went pretty much as planned. I went to work and didn't really speak to anyone at great length (probably except Darlene). I kind of just did my 8 hours and bounced. Unfortunately, I didn't make it home in time enough to get my dry cleaning. Shannon had a last minute meeting and those boys took forever to get out. I got home at 5:25pm and they were closed smilies/icon_gonk.gif

I'll try again tomorrow.

But yes. I went home this weekend to pack my stuff (mom's moving to Georgia) and check on Dad and the family (Dad and Jacqui are getting separated). Oddly enough, for a family that might be breaking apart...it seemed fairly normal, but I did sense an underlying tension. smilies/icon_cry.gif

I'll probably talk more in depth about both of those later, i'm just a tad overwhelmed that I won't have a weekend to myself in about a month. I pride the weekends in allowing me to spend an ample amount of time alone without having to worry about going to work that day or the next day but with this past weekend being home, this coming weekend with Marlon and Co, the following weekend at home (after mom's eye surgery) and then the move the weekend after that...I'm already drained.

I really don't want to be drained though. It's entirely too early in the week. smilies/icon_xp.gif

The shade is my time home wasn't even bad. I went down Friday night and stopped in Silver Spring at a function Uncle Def was hosting and didn't get home until 5am. Saturday night, stayed up until 2am talking to my brother (Donald) about some real s**t and saw my youngers on Sunday before I hit it home. The car made it there and back just fine. Didn't hit any traffic (although the rain and the light show Sunday night on the way home got pretty intense). Got $20 from Donald which aided in tolls as I forewent Route 1 to hit 95 straight up and subsequently pay that $16 in tolls smilies/icon_sweatdrop.gif I just really had this....foreboding, negative build up in my spirit. Not sure where it came from, but I remember just wanting to go back to my home in Philadelphia. Weird. And it kinda trickled into my current mood (I literally paid today and decided that i was going to be late to work and show up at 9:30am).

And I've been drained lately by social media. I think I'm starting to feel insecure again. I've realized that my promotion wasn't really an ascension into a good space, but rather a departure from a bad one into this purgatory of shorts where Im' neither here nor there. Not sad or depressed, but not at all happy...and that comes with it's own set of worries.

Of course I don't want to feel ungrateful, but where am I going next. As I've already stated, I feel like I'm two years behind the power curve. I thought about my future optimistically again today realizing that with this title, gives me a greater chance at snagging that position at Sony Music, reigniting that dream that I once had. I'm not going to lie...it got me kind of excited. smilies/icon_3nodding.gif

Anyway, my friends are coming down this weekend and I got them three rooms at my hotel (let's hope I don't get it trouble smilies/burning_eyes.gif ). Going out for First Friday, something I've never done. And you know I don't do gays, but since they'll be here...I guess I must (unless I find a way out of it) :drama llama: ...which is feasible....but anyway. I'm going to work out all week so I feel somewhat confident while going out.

Gym goals this particular week is to do my morning workouts on Tues, Wed, Thur, and Friday and hopefully do two two-a-days this week sometime. Do my typical workouts. Barbell Machine squats, dead lifts, and bench presses. More chest and arms with the free weights. Wrap up with legs on the machines. For the two-a-days, very machine focused with some cardio...yada yada yada. I'm noticing that although I'm not seeing exactly what I want to see, I am seeing some gains. They're slight...but they're there.

So I will try to FOCUS on getting through this week and doing everything I need to do (which include: a shape up, iBrows, grocery shopping, planning, working out, and keeping up with Robert). And try to keep myself motivated. I definitely wouldn't be mad if I took a small break from social media this week. I'm realizing that I'm feeling insecure....an insecurity reminiscent of what I was feeling in high school...and that's not good. I guess instead of learning and motivation from the fitness pages I might have gone overboard and followed too many. Idk.

I ultimately came to a recent realization.....that I don't love me. At all.

More in-depth explanation to come in a later post...but yes, I don't love me. I barely like me.....and it's not a good feeling considering how at one point in life I was happy where I was, with who I was becoming...and how I was handling things....and it eventually somehow fell apart.

And almost everyday I cry inside...

I feel like K. Michelle has a song called "I Hate Me" or some shyt like that smilies/icon_stare.gif

Love & Peace smilies/icon_heart.gif


Mood: Ugh smilies/icon_gonk.gif
Music: "Over" - Fifth Harmony

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