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Ryo's Travels
My life & journey through MY eyes.
Pretty Hurts
If “Pretty Hurts”, Ugly must kill…

“My dating life as a gay black man would be significantly different if I was several complexions lighter and my lips monochromatically pink and body ready-to-wear lean. Being conventionally beautiful is easy, try actually working to get love and affection. I'm sorta tired of working my a** off for crumbs only to be told I'm trying too hard or focusing on the wrong things again by beautiful people who have dating options or curve dudes out of sport.

But this is about me. I don't fit the narrow minded European standard of beauty people of color have been burdened with. I'm dark, my nose is big, my lips is big, I'm not built like Terry Crews. I'm essentially ugly and unattractive in the mainstream view of Americas standard of what it is to be black and beautiful. I try to convince myself everyday that I'm worthy and I'm beautiful but it be nice to hear it from someone who kisses me and ******** me and pulls my hair, who takes me out and buys me gifts because they want to see my smile and laugh and lastly someone who wants to be seen in public with me without worrying about whether other people deem me worthy of being with them. Basic things most people take for granted when they're dating or in relationship, I have never experienced and that really bothers me. When black guys describe what they want in a partner it rarely reflects me physically.”

So the above quote was a status and response by Mr. Randy Murray. A long time friend/follower on twitter and Facebook and sad to say….as far as American standards go, especially the black gay world…he’s right.

I went through a lot of those emotions when I was younger and they come back up sometimes whenever I spend too much time on social media. I remember back in high school when I felt that Terry was always always ALWAYS getting chose and no one would ever pay attention to me and it was rather disheartening. It was also hard on social media being on MySpace and Facebook everyday feeling inadequate.

That whole “pretty hurts” mantra that someone was trying to tote is a bunch of bull s**t to be honest. Dude said something like “the grass isn’t always greener”….on that other side…the grass is always greener. I mean, I understand that when you do fall under the typical conventional standards of beauty you have a lot more bull to sift through knowing that people only want to get close to you because you look a certain way, but what Randy was getting at was that they still have OPTIONS. Although they “curve” most of them, the options still stand…where if you don’t fall under those standards you’re overlooked over…and over…and over again.

The weird thing about black gays is all you need is body, sex appeal, and social media and you’re all set. That and if you’re a decent looking top that does not look completely horrid then you have a LOT of options as well…and that’s everywhere.

I mean, although I am privileged in certain aspects being of a certain “waist size” (30), slightly above average height, and slim/toned frame and somewhat softer features…I still qualify with what Randy had to say. In a world where these homos love phat asses, light skin, and thick/muscular eye candy, I can’t help but to feel like I come up short. And like I said, browsing through too much of Instagram plunges me into a world of depression.

Right now I’m playing with the idea of gaining weight. I’m nervous to break this metabolism because I don’t want to get fat and I know Rob doesn’t want me too…but I really need at least 20 more lbs on me. One day (hopefully soon) I’ll get serious about it.

In other news…busy week. Monday I went to Rhinebeck, NY to hopefully get this ticket reduced and it didn’t really work. I got home at 10:30pm…so late. Yesterday I went to Helium Comedy Club with Jerson, Brooke, and Kat…got home around 11pm. I’m getting home on time today but I have to wash clothes so I probably won’t be home until around 10pm after I get home…chill out…then head out. Tomorrow is the summer solstice party at Mere’s rooftop. Not sure if I’m going to go home, then go out but I guess we’ll see. I should also bring a change of clothes just in case…and Marlon’s coming on Friday and will be here through the weekend. I’m broke and tired but I’ll try to make his visit work lol

I wrote this earlier today at work....

But I was a little sad because I feel like Rob went off to spend time with some boy. I peered into his phone and it said something about "hurry up bae" and he replied "ok". Womp. Ugh.

He's home now. So womp. smilies/icon_sweatdrop.gif

Ryo smilies/icon_heart.gif

Mood: Womp.
Music: "Pretty Hurts" - Beyonce from Beyonce

LLC's are a joke

This was written on Friday July 24th

So I’m sitting at work.

I’m kind of hungry because there was no food downstairs when I went and pondering on whether or not I want to go to Cosi.

Rob sent me this amazing video…earlier. Saying he loves me. I do recall the video being rather generic which led to thought of him possibly sending this out to others….but…who has the time.

I’m feeling a little discouraged today.

So not too long ago I discovered and confirmed Gordon’s address, thanks to instantcheckmate.com and reopened the case. SO when I go to reopen the case and add a co-defendant, the supervisor told me that I can serve whoever I want, but if I were to go to court, win the case, and get a court order stating that I am entitled to my money…there are even MORE loopholes.

1) I would have to locate the account information myself for ‘Urban Nation Entertainment Group LLC’. Apparently the court won’t help and the sheriff can go and pawn off assets, but only if the assets are in the name of ‘Urban Nation Entertainment Group LLC’. Son, this man does NOT have an office, and I’m 105% sure everything in his house and in his name…not the company’s.
2) Plus, I have zero account information for this company, let alone this man. He took the money from my credit card using someone else’s credit card machine.
3) That and he advised me that adding a co-defendant would be a lost cause. LLC’s protect its members from being personally sued, that’s pretty much its purpose. So I’m discovering that most LLC’s probably don’t have an office, bank account, or anything of the sort. An “LLC” is a blanket statement and I would have to somehow prove “personal liability” against Gordon, the individual.

I guess I’m concerned because even if some of his more valuable assets were purchased for a company (thus warranting a larger tax break), what’s to stop him from transferring over the title information from the company to his name…protecting the assets. It’s crazy how much this capitalists economy protects businesses.

I’m kind of annoyed now because it’s looking like I still won’t get my money. Worst case scenario for him is that there’s an open warrant or case against his business, which I’m not exactly sure how that would affect him. I’m not sure how much he does or doesn’t know…I just want my money.

Last time he was playing around, the case was thrown out and he was still playing around. It’s like…I would really rather just admit to being a fuked up person.

Part of me feels like if I can find his address online, I can find this account information…if it exists. Either that or I would have to find some type of way to present a good case linking him as an individual to the case.

Anyway, the case is scheduled for October 5. Ugh. Back to work I guess.

All-in-all LLC's really are a joke. I just can't say that out loud because two of my close friends happen to own one smilies/icon_xp.gif

Love smilies/icon_heart.gif


Mood: Ugh smilies/icon_sweatdrop.gif
Music: "Let It Burn" - Jazmine Sullivan from Reality Show

Break from Social Media

I actually have a post to go in before this...but...I'll just write this one now.

So... I really need a self-imposed break from social media.

I don't think it's so much that I'm spending too much time on it (which I am) but it's also starting to take a toll on my self-esteem. I've always been very sensitive across the board which is one reason why I can't do crowds or too many people. It's honestly a mesh of too many auras, energies, and emotions that gets overwhelming at times. And we all know how easily I can get overwhelmed. To be honest, sometimes that's how social media feels....a lighter version of course since sit isn't face-to-face, but it is a lot of absorbing energies and reflecting on self.

I notice that I'm not being as productive as I could/should/would be and that needs to change. I see a lot of people hustling and stacking their money with multiple sources of income and it pains me to see myself relying on this one...then bixching about how I'm in deep financial doodoo and that I need to make more money and not doing anything about it.

Bobbypen apparently bought office space and has a good team around her to build her brand (Go Girl!). Marlon recently got in touch with some very interested executives from RCA Records. Kenneth is about to launch BlackStock.co...and here I am still going in limbo. After raiding twitter and IG for a good part of yesterday I started to feel insecure and all these body image conflicts rose up in me. Not a great feeling. smilies/icon_gonk.gif

My only issue with breaking from social is that social media isn't a one-dimensional platform where you only interact online. It's a complex give-and-take of information, knowledge, and shared interests that can inspire, learn, and grow anyone to the next level depending on how it's applied. I've found so many helpful articles about business, fitness, and even career growth on social media that I wouldn't have known otherwise. When I was back in DC, social media was a primarily catalyst for in-pereson link up's and the introduction of quite a few aquaintances and epic nights with epic people. Some of that concerns me thinking that I might miss out on an opportunity, however...I'm not longer in college...I no longer live in DC and my circle here in Philly is pretty nonexistent so I'm not sure how helpful social would be in my current state.

And I'm not saying that I need to cut completely off from it...but I really need to ween myself from checking feeds constantly. When I was transitioning jobs, I really didn't have a lot of time for twitter so that was an unintentional break from twitter while trying to learn everything about my new job and become acclimated....plus for a while I was sick. I also took a break from IG. At one point I had to be up-to-date on every photo posted on my timeline and after a while...I just started to not even check it. I should probably get back to that.

I admit, a lot of it has to do with everything going on in this house. Rob is his own energy...he has to have the TV on and rarely believes in quiet time. I remember I was sitting in the room yesterday with him and he accidentally turned the TV on while he was on his iPad and didn't turn it off. I realized how much I was enjoying the silence and turned it back on. When living by myself I had that silence all the time in my room...here...not so much. Right now, Rob is sleep and Daddy's in bed so all I have is the white noise of the fan blowing on this 84-degree Sunday morning. Which is kind of bliss smilies/icon_sweatdrop.gif

Long story short, a lot of things need to get done. I need to get serious about Lionbridge as a form of income. I have to somehow get Rob motivated to really push forward with these projects. The sumer is almost over and the front of the house has little change and there is no washer/dryer unit in this house. I already know I'll be broke for a while trying to get this credit card bill down and I also need to be searching for employment elsewhere.

Speaking of...Brooke told me that their Diversity Coordinator might be leaving soon and she feels that it is a much better fit for me than a sales position, which I agree with. I think my major concern is that I'm not trying to take a pay cut. smilies/icon_xp.gif But we'll see what happens with that. It's always a billion times easier to have someone else looking for a position for you than you hitting the pavement and putting in those applications yourself.

And as far as Gordon goes...I started to think a bit more positively about the situation. All-in-all, worst case scenario is that I don't get my money. I go to court, the judge rules in my favor, I can't collect. That's worst case, but other scenarios do live. Such as:

1) He gets served a court date and gets serious about settling outside of court. It seems that he really wanted to settle but since he had no court date or official serving, he didn't feel the pressure to do it so he did nothing.
2) He was complaining about "Oh now everything has to be settled through the court", well with an actual court date, maybe that can be so.
3) He gets smart and just gives me my money and have the case dismissed with no prejudice.
4) Or he gives me half of my money (or a portion) and I make him sign a promissory note saying that HE, not Urban Nation Entertainment, will pay me the balance.

Like I said, other things can happen...just me not collecting is the worst case and I need to keep that in mind (and keep paying down this credit card bill).

But yes, a billion things to do. I want to wash clothes today, I really need to go downtown and get Meredith her money. I'd love to take this suitcases to my house and get them out of this room, so that's a thing. I would love to work out later (since I talked myself out of doing it this morning) and I Am Cait debuts tonight.

We'll see what happens, but like I said...I really have to focus on doing more than what I have been doing. I think PHLDiversity would be a great fit for me and would open up doors to a fulfilling career in Multicultural affairs/Diversity/Education. Marketing is super cool...but...I'm not completely sold on it...for me. I'm interested in pursuing it to see what more I can learn and be exposed to...but again.....we'll see.

Oh, and I'm still trying to figure out whether or not I should go in tomorrow for a half-day and then hit it to upstate New York since my court date is at 5pm. I could really go in for a half-day...leave at 1pm and still make it. I'll text Shannon a little later, I doubt she'll care much with her and JMJ out of the office....and I have to ask Rob if I can use his car. smilies/icon_sweatdrop.gif

And side note: I need to start going to church again. All of this is mixed up into one.

Wish me Luck with everything.

Love smilies/icon_heart.gif


Mood: Bleh smilies/icon_3nodding.gif
Music: "Only One" - Ciara from Jackie

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