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Is it bad....?
Is it bad when your dad as the ability to make you feel more worthless then last year's lunch? Well, I think it is...
Ever since I met Josh, I've been okay. My depression was at bay aside from my randomly bad depression attacks. Other than that, things were fine... Well, last night I got into an arguement with my sibling... He was 100% incorrect, and I told him that. My dad took his side and completely destroied me... Triggering something in my head that made me want to go off and try to commit suicide again... There's not much tying me to the earth anymore aside from my best friend... Some people just claim to be my friends, but odds are, that if I died, they'd only go to my funeral becase they knew me and want to boost their sympathy points with people. Like I said, not much stopping me. My sibling had said that I'm always happy, people do what I tell them, and I get what I want. That's what I argued about. That and that he said that every time I am promised something, I get it. Total bull s**t. He asked me for an example. So I obliged.
The example was from my birthday two years ago... Well, my 16th birthday...My forgotten birthday. My father promised me that he would be home right after work so that he could be there for me when I finally turn 16... Well.... He didn't come home that night.... My mother and older sibling decided to scream at me over the fact that Abby dumped him... Blaimeing me... Well, I knew more about that then they would know, but they wouldn't believe me if I told them. So I didn't. I just sat, gritted my teeth and took the s**t that they dished out at me. Later that night, I punched a couple holes in my walls, royally effed up my fists, my leg, and some other s**t. But that's a different story.... By the time we celebrated my birthday, it was December fourth.... Three months later... My birthday is September 23. So... That was my example... He asked for another.
My other was that last year, my parents promised, as my birthday gift, that I would be allowed to re-do my room however I wanted. I never got that gift. I gave them EVERY idea I came up with... They shot them down faster then the ones before. They'd only make the promise and idea again when I was upset with them... That was when they'd give ideas, trying to make me not hate them any more than that of which I do.... Like when my dad made a deal with me... He only made the ******** deal because he knew my MOTHER would never agree to it.... He destroyed me.... Right now, I'm nothing more than dust. And if there is a stage of being crushed that is worse than being dust, he'll make it.... Anyway.... I was mad at my parents... last week? Yeah, and I stayed in my room all day... The next day, they tried to make it up to be by makeing me breakfast, buying me things, giving me money, and making plans for MY room for me....
Last night, after my dad reduced me to s**t, he went on a ******** rampage and screamed at anything with legs.... including the cat.... This morning, he decided to try to make me feel less hatred for him by going out and buying waffle mix.... My mom decided to help by makeing me breakfast again... Then my dad planned out my room again.... I don't think they realize that they're too late for trying to put me back together. You can't exactally put dust back to it's original form unless you melt it down and mold it again. I can't be re-molded. I'm already ******** up.... I've reverted to the way I was before Josh, and that's not good.... I have a bunch of new holes in my skin that I'm hiding from my parents because I don't want to go away. I cut off about three inches of my hair out of rage, still being hidden in a hoodie... Uhm... I'm hopeing for my body to dehydrate from the heat that I'm enduring right now and that I die from it.
I feel like s**t, and I don't want to talk.... I don't want to move.... But I have to... I'm thinking about going for a walk and getting the ******** out of my house before I try something again... and I don't want to do something stupid right now.... So I'll go for a walk... If I'm lucky, I'm hit by a car or something... BTW, don't try to call me, my phone's dead....
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Community Member
your family and mine should get together. I think it would be a nice dysfuctional mess, ne?
But Jessi, I'm always here whenever you need me, just don't ever think twice, Just call me and I will pick you up if need be or anything like that. i'm not going anywhere..
Love you Jessi! <33
Samantha--