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The Origin of Grammar (As Told By The Cosmic Weiner Dog)

There are 6 crimes committed on the internet that should be punishable by death. 1) people who don’t realize that Chuck Norris jokes are funny, 2) Mass conformists that do and join anything for no other reason besides it being popular, 3) Anyone who uses the words “Star wars episode 3” and any synonym for: “Good” in the same sentence, 4) Un-witty flaming the likes of the classic “STFU N()()b!!” Honestly, if your gonna insult someone, say something creative, like: Go choke on a urinal mint, you unworthy disgrace for a literate pile of rancid flesh, 5) Rule dictators and finally the worst existence to grace the net since Metallica with the killing of Nabster: 7x7 71k3rS (translation: Text talkers)

Now don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with the occasional “ORLY?” supported by a small, white, artic, owl or even the unintentional typo of the word “duck” …to um…..something worse. Text talking is not so simple, nor is it easy to quench if it becomes a problem. Most of these unwashed heretics have a intellectual equivalent of a slinky and can not be reasoned with. Therefore the best way to solve such an eyesore of a problem is to hunt down the English flunky with a pack of rabid Weiner dogs, thus removing the person from productive society. Now one might ask: “Why? What’s the problem?” And for that I shall provide an example to the best of my ability

The following is an example of txt tlk in the worst cases of scenarios

OMG J()() PPLES NEED TO SEE 7EH PWNZZORZ SI7E IN 7EH 1ST ISSE UG KIILS THAT SHMO IN FF98 AND TYHEN GO’S TOEAT CH33S3 1N A R3STUR/NT 1N NRTH DAK()TA ROFL 1T !S S()()()()()()()()() 1337 17 M/DE M3 D13!

Notice how hard it is to read that

On the other side of the scope, we have grammar Nazis, another state of net crime. I also place this in that category for the simple reason that: If you were to say the above mass of text in a person to person conversation using the names of the numbers/symbols when they came around, you would get shot. Also, if it was possible to correct someone’s lack of a apostrophe in a spoken sentence, the same effect would happen just as quickly. So being the resourceful creature I am, I have thrown together the abridged history of grammar, using my vast sources to my advantage.

Grammar was created by a pack of disease riddled cavemen who, at the time, were at a major obstacle in their primitive existences. At the time, each and every cave person (being politically correct here) had a special appointed task given to them at birth that proved to be vital to their survival. One would hunt down food, another would cook and prepare it, another would be in charge of hunting down “Friends” reruns for primitive entertainment, and generation after generation the cycle was followed. When the appointed cave person got tired, old, or ravenously rabid they would pass it down to their offspring, many times adding twists or hints given to them by the experience of life. The dilemma was, after the occasional inconveniently placed Abominable snowman, yeti, grizzly bear, or door to door salesmen one or more cave people often had the tendency of experiencing rather painful deaths (especially with the latter). This was a problem because, after an appointed cave person met their demise before passing on their trade, it was rather a pain to reinvent it from scratch. Thus, The tribe appointed three Cavemen to accomplish the daunting task of finding a way to preserve their valuable skills. This trio went by the names of Ug, Grok, and Stuart.

Several years passed and eventually a written language began to hammer itself out, which originally scared the beejezus out of the three because they at first thought their chizzle was possessed. However, after getting over such, They began to understand the functionality and began to test the system.

The first recorded written conversation, now converted into common lettering thanks to modern science went something like this:

OHONONNUEIONUOINCOIUGLBDEBHYFCRWKDVJWCDFVKXFTYWDXGVSKYVKVTYWJTV
YJEDCHRVKXBVWVKDJBGKDTDKVDJWTDCJYWDJFTJDVWFRDHCVSDTJRWTDVWYTYUD
TKWVDJVWHDWKDJBTJGYDTRKBJDWTDEKYDRKWYVDRTRDWCRHERWSHCRWJUYDVW
UDICDVYDWDFKYUWGVWJKVGXBXJBTWYDVYKWYCRWECDVWDBWUDTWYDVHEWHEJ
VWJEDJYVEDKWVDTDRKWDVDEBJYTEBDRDEERVDTDRCWJETWVUTSVWJDKTWRVDRC
WEJWRKWDVKDWJRCWREWRSVKDYWKDTKWDD *HERRK!!! BLARGH!!!!!!…..*

(Translation: thsisthefirstrrecordedsystemoftextinthehistoryofrecordingswhichistntreallythatbigadealcausethisisthefirston
ebutifitwasntthefirstorsomewhereinthepasttherewasapersonthattriedthisbeforebeingattackedbyalageanimalt
hatlikestoapperentlyattackpeoplethenatureorraceofthisanimalifsuchanevenhappenedisnotorwillnotberecodd
edinthisperticularrecordnormostlikeyanyrecordaftersuchbecasutheinformationwouldbeemmenclydifficulttot
acedownandifitwaspossibleitwouldrequirerecordsofsortwhichuntilthisdaytherehasbeennotoneofunlessthere
wasapersonthattriedthisbeforebeingattackedbyalageanimalthatlikestoapperentlyattackpeoplethenatureorrace
ofthisanimalifsuchanevenhappenedisnotorwillnotberecoddedinthisperticularrecordnormostlikeyanyrecordaf
tersuchbecasutheinformationwouldbeemmenclydifficulttotacedownandifitwaspossibleitwouldrequirerecord
sofsortwhichuntilthisdaytherehasbeennotoneof *HERRK!!! BLARGH!!!!!!…….*)

*not that the quote “*HERRK!!! BLARGH!!!!!!…….*” was not actually in the text, due to that fact that such advanced forms of punctuation had not been invented yet, but is rather an onomonopia portraying the sounds beta tester: Ug made as he suffocated from lack of breath.

Though the written word had been successfully created, a new dilemma arose at the unfortunate demise of the fellow primitive individual. Because the text format was in it’s most basic format, the word lacked the places given to the reader to have the chance to breath. Thus, understandably, this became a possible life threatening invention which if not remedied would lead to the downfall of humanity….or at least the now member lacking trio’s career as cave people. After Ug’s death, the following conversation took place between the remaining inventors:

Stuart: KHDUGFFSFJFGLGCYUFUFSYFWYFT!!!! (Translation: Oh bother, the chap is dead he is.)

Grok:UGDOYGCGIBUOIGBETUTDWDFDTIFNCGUYUUBYOEBTOODPOYFYONFMOPOEDMYN
UEIUNPEFYP!!!!!! (Translation: This has become a possible life threatening invention which if not remedied will lead to the downfall of humanity….or at least our now member lacking trio’s career as cave people!)

Stuart: ……IGF EGINGDEIUGFNGOEGNYU? (Translation: ….uh so what do we do?)

Grok: …..MORG!* (Translation: ….I’ve got it! A series of symbols can be made telling future readers what actions to take as select places, therefore no death, mutilation, suffocating, cancer, syphilis, aids, Ebola, chicken pox, small pox, voodoo, Jazzercise or any other horrible form of death might come to anyone who would use the written word in the future would not only have the chance to survive for another reading, but also be able to gain the knowledge placed in the text. Not only will we be able to keep our jobs as cave people but the tribe, the world and the future but now nonexistent grammar Nazis will classify us as heroes!)

*mind you, at the time even though written word had not been invented, cave person speak happened to be highly advanced .

And so Grok, being the smart dickens he was, approached the slab of rock with the apparently possessed chizzle and began to lift his arm to prepare for an action that would change history. However, before he had a chance to invent the comma, as was his intention, a renegade and mildly retarded mallard duck plowed into his skull at 40 MPH. This not only caused the inventor Grok to let out a bone curling scream of pain that would latter be unknowingly imitated as singing done by future Emo bands but also changed the placement of the grammatical symbol. Instead of below the targeted word, the mark was accidentally placed above it. Thus, in his dying action, Grok created the hell spawn of all grammar….the apostrophe.

Now unlike the comma which happens to be useful and life saving, the apostrophe is Satan incarnated into a small dash placed above sections of text. The symbol has little uses besides making otherwise lame fantasy styled names such as Eron or Tamily look cool by turning them into Er’on and Tam’ily, creating the never ending debate on weather to put a possessive “ ’s ” after a proper title that already ends with “S”, and being the main cause of all future international and local conflicts (“What do you mean Camelot’s gold amounts quadruple ours? Aw screw it, lets just take it from them.” -said by a angry Scottish warlord before losing badly to King Arthur‘s country) Because of this incredibly inconvenient series of events. The comma was forced to wait several hundred years and the written word became the leading cause of cave person death for generations to come.

Moving to more recent times but not long after the inventions of proper punctuation, strange individuals began to seemingly pop out of the ground. These individuals, though vastly intelligent, would be rightfully placed at the spiteful eye of rational thinking humanity. They were bored, relationship lacking creatures that lacked both lives and positive contact with the outside world. These were the Grammar Nazis, and their word would be a blitzkrieg of grammary scorn upon the land for centuries to come.

These individuals, unlike modern text talkers, are vastly intelligent and actually can be blamed for their horrific disorder. As stated earlier, stopping such a menace is practically impossible and can properly be done in my experience by a pack of rabid Weiner dogs (though in recent years I have discovered shotguns work nicely as well). With the rise of the internet, this menace has only spread throughout the land.

Spelling Nazis are not as much a type, but rather an un-needed branch of the grammar demon’s disorder. Now don’t get me wrong, proper spelling has it’s place and is good if not needed under certain circumstances. However, the blatant enforcement of such a issue is not only immensely annoying and sad, but also is a physical unneeded trait to the makeup of the human mind. I shall prove this in the next following sentences:

You see, the hmuan brian wroks in a way taht it deos not raed wrods lteter by letetr, but rtaher wrod by wrod. Waht the mnid deos is tkae the frsit and lsat ltertes in a snetecne as wlel as the nmuber of lteters and trasnlates from trhee. Theeforre, the wrods “prpoer spelinlg” beomce a conatdriction of trems.

These are both menaces that plague society, however I believe action can not properly be taken against this action unless drastic measures are taken. For this reason Myself and my other cosmic canine brethren have decided to seek out and physically smite all that follow the paths of these heretics. Even so I can only pray the combined might of myself, the Eternal Shnauzer, the infinity Beagle and Mike the Moose can stand up to this deeply seeded hell spawn. Though a lost battle, this action will delay the spread of this vile upbringing until your race is annihilated by a secret squirrel armada that hides currently 40 miles beneath what you call “Oklahoma“…..oh wait I wasn’t supposed to tell you that, my bad.

Keep Our efforts in prayer my minions.