You know it's bad when you forget how to write in your journal, oh well >_>...... I’m sick and tired and worn out and every other word that could possibly describe how I feel right now...I honestly don't think there ARE enough words for that. I can't even sleep anymore, as soon as I try to close my eyes they shoot open again just to look around and see if there's something watching me while I do why? I don't know I don't really care either I hallucinate so much it's not funny to hear I’m tired of being able to see things that don't exist ._. It plagues me so much and makes me angry. I can't even talk to anyone without being pissed and going off on them whether or not they're being stupid =_= I can't talk to any of my 'friends' or at least I guess you could call them that but how can you be afraid to talk to them? o_O well not afraid but you just don't feel up to making them sad in unknown ways today so you stay away -.- I'm under too much stress annnnd I never can get a vacation xd I mean hell I can't even sleeep n_n I work, work, work and talk, talk some more and just do nothing after awhile sitting in a dark room and stare at a computer screen or really staring through it. I wonder when my eyes will drop out of my head or bleed from being around computers too much rolleyes it's what I live for. Sometimes I feel I live in a dream I can never wake up from >_>...oh well nothing seems real to me at all maybe seeing things in my line of vision helps add to that. My heart aches and I hear voices in the back of my head once more...'fun, fun' I feel sorry for people that would most likely rather have me dead and my entrails spread across some old mans lawn, use my carcass as some rug they can step on a keep my brain dead skull as a gift and give it to their children say: "Hey! Look who it is my old friend..." Whatever. I hate posting lyrics but BAM *Magically retrieves some though grumbles a little.*
You brought existence
To what I never thought could be
A world where eternity finds description
I followed a dream only to be left in reality
You reminded me of the unexplainable
Then reshaped me by your beauty
Knowing you has reinvented love in my heart
The perfection of love's true existence
Experienced for the first time
You reinvented love in my heart
I tried so hard to wake from this dream...But instead realized that I never fell asleep.
Yep yep ^^...though I’ll never understand why T. Lambesis is such a dork yet had so much sorrow in his 'screaming, incoherent, harsh' vocals is-...not INTERILY beyond me >_>...... it’s just weird when you meet him anyway! This song doesn't exactly apply to me directly <_<....it just is one of the only songs that could just make me sit there and cry. Maybe because it applies solely to 'him' more then me O_o *Curses herself for even existing but moves on. * If he starts crying I’ll personally come over there and beat the crap out of him mad Ok maybe not =_= he'd kill me before I’d even get the chance to strike...maybe? I don't know @_@ it's hard to judge. Yes I babble on too much but you don't have to read :3 my head well my head it feels like this...*Draws a picture. *
Why yes a huge migraine when words can't express feelings draw something..Or cry your brains out to someone but I’m not capable of doing so I feel too cold to even care much about my own well being much less others that I 'love' I can't stop thinking, and what’s so stupid about it is that I’m not thinking about me I’m thinking about other people and suffering with their sadness and hurt because I feel bad for them, which I don't understand why or how because I hate people as a whole =_= except for a select few that I care to put up with. I don't want to hear voices in my head anymore but they just won't go away =/ I listen to music VERY loudly like always :B but it only serves to make them scream in my ear, I don't want to hear the voice of the voiceless or feel the pain of people, I don't want to live in a dream that most would call a nightmare and see things that most would be named insane for, well guess what? I'm insane then and I can drive anybody else insane it's not my problem if they are. I feel horrible and grumpy, angry and displeased with everything around me I’m tired of hearing empty hollow lies from others but I want to help ._. And can't...
Just stand there and wait....
Your time is almost up anyway, if you want something that bad don't wait so long...
You’d never be able to capture it again, what love lives and what love is lost it doesn't matter to you because it's what you are..
Merf get out of my heaaad..*Cry, Cry.* Hmm by societies standards today o_o;; I'm ******** up murr so what if I write messages on my wall with my own blood you can't see them, I won't allow you in my room the walls...are black anyway it isn't healthy-...self-mutilation?...We're dying anyway why not die faster. I've been dead many times over =/ can't wait 'till it's all over though I don't approve of suicide at all..*Mutters.* I've seen too much of it to try and stop myself from doing it if I ever wanted to, I don't want to escape my pains or make them go away either I want to feel the pain of the world....it makes me happy?...it keeps me on the border line of sane I don't know I can't exactly describe that one wouldn't bother to because none would really understand it rolleyes people make me happy :3 people make me angry, make me want to hurt and kill and and and...
Desolation...
Annihilation...
Decapitation...
Separation...
Murder nation...
Sufferation...
Confrontation...
Retaliation...
Mutilation...
Devastation...
Confrontation...too much anger! mad and no not Soulfly =_= well maybe I think that was in Babylon...oh well it applies to me. I just dun' understand why I care about people I shouldn't &_& or should I?...I keep doubting myself and the people I know I don't want to know so much about life and death and how the world works =/ why couldn't I be a ******** that just walked around being a slave to the government, eh' why couldn't I be a good little girl that always smiled and do whatever anyone asked her to only to get hurt in the end because I’m sucha' pansy =_= why couldn't I be what people call 'normal' ugh my head hurts again even more -.- *Rubs her temples achingly.* ******** it guess what I’m not normal far from it actually o_o;; If you don't like what I am I can't change, I don't really want to there's always a price to pay for everything rolleyes and for knowing so much-...I’m already paying it back in sorrow and I’m completely fine with that, it hasn't changed in 17 painfully long years so why bother to change it now?...Change isn't always better n_n no matter how happy I get or how much fun I have it seems there's always that little empty less void of black, nothingness in my body it never goes away sure I suppress it with happy times but as soon as someone messes with me or if someone I feel close to is in despair it springs right through again and makes me hurt I can't talk to anyone I lose my ability to then like someone’s choking me and wanting me to die, I just sit there feeling like a worthless piece of crap o-o;; which I probably am how many people have I been able to help?..I can tell you >_>....none what’s so ******** ever...yes if you're reading this you probably think I’m some Emo little girly and want me to go jump of a bridge already >_>....<_<...>_>..... gonk not all Emos are liiiike thhhhaaat geez. I could name a few that aren’t =_= merf I’m not Emo just a little messed up inside right now so shut your mouth and respect me as a WHOLE though you're open to share your own opinion with me :3 I think I’m done for today...well I feel like closing the book again. I don't feel like sharing myself anymore so...now I’m going to go take my anger out on Halo 2 and....killing something in a slow agony filled, crude, harsh, inhuman, horrific way...*Grabs a cat and drags it into the woods. * In other words...unless I care for you AND give a damn about your life and existance don't ******** around with me for a long while.
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