I realize that this account really had been almost like a time-capsule for me (hells, so is my other account, but that one focuses more on the depressing parts of my life it feels like), where I would log in and look back on the year and talk about the lessons I have learned. So, here we are nearing the end of 2021...and I felt the need to do the same thing, to reflect on the years I did not cover here and I guess talk about all the things that I have learned.
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~Things that happened in 2020~
Clearly, I skipped talking about 2020 because like a lot of people, it was probably one of the worst years of my life. While I feel I could write an entire blog in and of itself just talking about the tragedy which was 2020, I will merely summarize the events of what happened:
arrow Step-Father passed away in February
arrow Sister-in-Law passed away in August
arrow Wife asked for Divorce in September
arrow Ended up in a Mental Ward for 3 days
arrow Had to move back to Indiana
arrow Had to move in with Father
arrow Lots of job hunting/New jobs
"Death and Divorce" would have summed it up a lot more quickly, ad there were a lot of other events going on too...we had the Pandemic to worry about, my (now ex) wife and I were struggling financially, my health was declining, and there was just a whole other mess in the background. And there was a lot of good there too...but unfortunately, all the good (like modding my friend's Stream, and trying Streaming, etc) got shadowed by all the bad.
By the end of 2020, I was in this miserable state. I missed my ex-wife, I was working at a gas station and absolutely hated it. I hated that I was living with my Father and knew that my time there was limited before things started to go wrong, and I just felt like I wanted to disappear from the world. I was so stuck on this idea that my life was over because I was going to be turning 30 and yet I was back at square one, no better off than I was when I was 18...and I felt...stupid. I tried withdrawing from all my old friends and anyone that I had been associated with when I was with my ex-wife and I just needed a break from people (I felt like). Life in general felt so overwhelming, and I just felt...lost.
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~Reflecting on 2021~
But, funnily enough...when 2021 hit, it almost felt like I "woke up" all of a sudden. I had one last cry over my ex-wife in January and then some part of me finally just said "******** it" and I decided it was time to move the ******** on. I took a HUGE leap and decided to apply to become a Correctional Officer at a local jail, and I actually got the job. While I was nervous as hell (because it's a dangerous job and all), I felt proud of myself because this was the closest to one of my dream jobs that I had ever gotten.
I turned 30...and, for anyone that tells you that 30 is pretty much the end of the world? That's the dumbest s**t I have ever heard in my life. I spent a lot of my 20's having fun, sure...but I have found a new joy in my 30's that I really can't describe. It's like a breath of fresh air, but it's probably because I have learned the most important lesson of my life: You don't need anyone else to be happy.
The BIGGEST point of reflection for me this year was that...I have NEVER been single for very long. I would only spend maybe a month or 3 being "single" before I was back in some relationship (and half the time I was having flings while single so it barely counted). I always had this idea (even when I was younger) that I needed to be with someone in order to be happy. I convinced myself that I would never be fulfilled if I was alone...and that being single might as well be some sort of death sentence. But can I just say how happy I have been being single? It's so amazing! I no longer have to justify my actions to any other person. I don't have to conform my entire schedule to another person. I can stay up as late as I want, buy whatever food I want, pretty much go out and do what I want...decorate however I want, wear whatever I want. I don't have to compromise for anybody or anything...and oh my LORD does it feel good! I was in a marriage and grew fat and miserable the minute the intimacy started to decline. When this person started living like I was just some convenience, I lost all my fire and just gave up on life because I was expected to do everything for them when they never even gave me the time of day (and then later lied about everything to make it look like I was at fault for the divorce, but whatever).
But now, I have lost 50lbs, I have my own place, I still have my job at the jail, I can buy the nice things I always wanted, and I have everything this other person pointed the finger towards and blamed me for as the sole reason we couldn't have said-nice-things. Oh...can't afford more than one bedroom because you wont let me keep a job (even though you make more in disability than what my current job pays)? Funny, I have a 2-bedroom with a whole a** garage and uh...I ain't strugglin'...
Anyways, enough with the sass. All I'm saying is that, looking back on my life up until this point, I probably would have been better off in a few scenarios had I just not felt like my life had to revolve around the love shared between two people who are in a relationship. I do love people...I love the amazing friends that have stuck by me, my "found family" that was on the phone with me every night when I needed them, the people that helped me escape through gaming in RP when I felt like I wasn't gonna last another second I was so sad. Those people that now I am always joking with and laughing with because I just needed to get past that huge hurdle.
Hm...I guess I realized as well, that...your health is important. I know that in 2019 and early 2020, I talked about getting more on top of my health...but it was really hard to do that when the money wasn't there and I was being told that all my pain and stuff was "in my own head" (as my ex wife and her friends were always saying). This year, my gallbladder exploded...I nearly lost my Pancreas too...I almost lost my life because of it, and it's because I was too stubborn to see a doctor for pain that I had been told was my own doing because of my anxiety.
Only YOU know your body...and if you think something is wrong, check on that s**t. I'm still ******** up with some things. I have heel issues, back issues, and while the gallbladder situation got fixed, I still have digestion issues from all that and I have been working with a doctor to get it solved.
My Depression and Anxiety, I learned, is medication resistant...but, adding vitamins to my daily routine and using my video-games and blogging to cope has REALLY worked wonders.
Another thing I have been trying to get on top of is staying up with my car, my home-security, learning about different types of insurance, and getting on top of things like retirement plans etc. It's been tricky bc sometimes I'm just not sure where to begin...so, if there is one thing I would do again (other than not rely on relationships to get me by), it would be looking into things that really matter for when I am much older.
All in all...2021 has been maddening, but in the best of ways. I still have such a long way to go before I feel like I am fully on the right track, but damned if I'm not heading that way...you know? So...I'm actually excited for 2022. Can't say that I have really firm goals right now outside the basics (keeping bills paid, getting licenses updated, etc), but sometimes it's better when you just take things one step at a time.
Guess that's all I got! whee
ElementGold Community Member 
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