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forget to take my meds for one day and im a mess, haha.

i'm so scared i wont meet everyone's expectations. this isnt my life. my life belongs to other people. itll only belong to me once i take it.

idk sometimes i wonder if where im at is what i even want to be. am i missing out on things? got anxiety and meds for it, but not the guts to carry out anything. im scared to make decisions. i was told what to do for years in school and at home. i let movies run my life. i let them guide me, but here i am now. not knowing anything for sure. i ask people what they want from me because i dont know what i want to do, nor what i can do. what the hell do i do?


and i miss people. i miss my grandmas. i miss poppop and grandaddy. i wish i had spent more time with them. doesnt everyone though? i wish i had more memories with them. i wish i would stop erasing them from my head to make space for negative memories. this s**t ******** sucks. i shouldnt have watched a movie about being able to go back in time. god. what i wouldnt give.

i need to be more grounded i think. but i actually dk. i probably think that bc my perception of the industry is so ******** from the concentrated experiences ive had. at the same time, so many people say s**t ab it.

i dont want to get married at 24. i just dont. it's too early. honestly, thats one thing i dont care about--other people marrying before me. i need to see my partner at all of the crests and troughs of his life to understand how our relationship would go. im not giving up the majority of my life to someone who i dont fully know and who doesnt fully know me. 2 yrs is a long time, but it's literally an 11th of my life so far. what happens if i relapse? what happens if he relapses and he gets mean again? i know i wouldnt be able to handle that again. it scares me. im gonna have a conversation w him ab it, but im so scared he wont be genuinely invested. idk.

if i dont do something great, everyone will forget about me. theyll regret the time they spent getting to know me, supporting me, cheering me on and then forget about me like you forget about where tiny bruises originated from the day before.