Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Thank you Jehovah, for allowing me to find her glasses in an old box. Thank you Jehovah, for giving me the love I had for her motivate me to not give away her procession but hook it on a picture of her. Thank you Jehovah, for having me break down weeping, grieving, in pain, crying with tears and memories. Thank you Jehovah, for allowing me to remember she died on Friday the 13th. Thank you Jehovah, for always showing me how much I love and miss my Auntie Lisa. She is and was always the most important woman in my life, who took care of me where everybody life was hard. For being by my side, for being a leader, for sticking to family keeping them together, without you we question "What is family" in speaking. No matter what you was always though, and I wish I understood and appreciated you when I was younger. I was so mean to you, I was afraid of you and didn't want to be around you because I was too young and ignorant to understand the diseases you were suffering from nor who you were. But no matter what you always stuck by myself, you didn't care about the things I did nor what people blamed you for because you still loved us. I hate younger me to this day, because the way I treated you when you were alive was horrible and I didn't appreciate how loving you were to me. You were a big sister to my mother, to our family, Melissa, and like a mother to me, you were my mother, and you stuck by my side, through my bullying problems, through my "criminal" problems, and even while everybody wanted me to stay locked up you stayed by myself and died still believing in me. To you I wasn't a criminal, I was a human, a person with a heart of whom needed to be unlocked, and you were too, and damn sure was a person who unlocked the hearts of everyone you been around. s**t, I even remember when you used to want me and your grandkids, my cousins to get along, because you believed that family should always stick together no matter how much they upset you, that is what you have done with me. You taught us all something, and I still will always remember what you said, "Never stop doing what you love doing, no matter how much it kills you" and I will forever live by that, and will forever do what I love, no matter what people say about it, because I'm being myself and the only people it affect should be me. But sometimes Auntie we must realize that sometimes doing what we love can actually hurt others, but you were proud of doing what you loved, and did it til you died. You felt that it's too late to stop, it has already done it's toll, you were right, and it wasn't the only thing making you sick for only doing what you love made it worse. But even though with sickness, your mind still was more developed than anybody else, your heart and mind never stopped being perfect despite of it's decaying exterior.




I remember when you used to read to me, I remember to this day I begged you to read that book because it's was too explicit. Guess what Auntie? I wanted til I was ready and read it, I love the book, and tried so hard not to cry reading it because it reminded me of you. You even read this book a good 30 minutes before you died. Lisa Gardner - Say Goodbye, after you read this book I would see you write notes in the bible, I always wonder what you wrote in there, my memory is too faded to remember what you have told me when I asked. But I do remember how you sung Numa Numa with me all that night before my mother and Tonishia got home, we just loved singing those songs together, or watching Lego Metal Zora videos. Sadly, I cannot listen to those songs anymore, because I could never hear the rest of the song, instead the only thing I will hear is the sound of my despair of me weeping in pain of agony. It's so hard not to cry whenever I think of you. Then after we had our fun you would go sit on the recliner and be on your oxygen tank, I would think to myself there was a cure, I felt there was a cure for everything and a cure was to come. I wish you were still alive, was able to see how far I have gotten, to see I survived and fought through. I wish you were able to see that I'm not locked up, that I have been able to control myself, that I have not done anything to nobody, that I didn't let my criminal charge nor my law related problems stop me. You always felt I was innocent why everyone even family felt I was a criminal and should be locked up, oh you only understood me. I wish I had understood you, I wish I could understand that feeling I felt when you died, the police officer came in my room, acting as if he was a therapist, wondering why I was so emotionless, I think now that I just was too confused and in pain to even grasp what just happened seconds before. I never knew the day was come so early, when you died on the chair everybody loves, yelling your sisters name before you died "SHEEBA", on that day my life changed, everything got worse, I became the criminal. But thanks to you, to your words, your memory and great mind things got better. But, to this day I'm still afraid to have sex with just anyone, I'm too afraid to not surround my reasoning on love, to where I refuse to even go to prom with someone I don't have feelings for. I'm too scarred to even do inhalants, those two fears because of you, oh Auntie it's a good thing, I keep my body out the hands of females who just want to ********, date or kiss me who have no interest in being with me forever. Because of you I'm easy to move on from those people, who think not of a heart. And because of you, I'm too afraid to do things for a lifetime of which I don't love doing, because like you felt, what's the point of getting money, or continuing life if you're not doing something you love doing? I will never forget you Auntie, and sorry I did not understand sooner. I really miss you. I will always do what I love to do, and will never feel I have to explain people why I'm not doing something I don't like doing despite of the benefits it may have, and I will die continuing doing me, being me, not being something that society has set up for me.... the criminal, of which I refuse to be, I will be, whatever I want to be, someone who is me chasing my dreams. You always knew what truly mattered.