Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Hi friends, fear not, the title is not about any of you who are reading, this is simply something I need to get off my chest to people who may understand a bit more than people in my real life.

Hi. I want you to know that I still care a lot about you, and feeling this much anger towards you right now makes me extremely sad. I don't hate you, not even a little bit and that bothers me because it's the first time I've had a hard time going through with my philosophy. "If you hurt me once, you don't get the chance to do it again." Like that Paramore song, you truly are the only exception. I've been left behind by 'friends' in the past, it doesn't come as a shock to me anymore, but I knew the moment we became friends I never wanted to lose you. Being away from home my first year of college is rough. Whether I wanted to admit it or not, I wasn't as strong as I thought I was, but you allowed me to show weakness and you were there for me. My happy, careless exterior could easily be broken in your presence, on bad days I had someone to talk too and cry too. You were open arms and open ears. We bonded as easily as me and my older sister did, which is saying something since I was born into her life and she didn't really have a choice with me. You were there every single time I opened doors of my past that ******** me up and you were there when I closed them to move on. You were my sister and the only thing making it worth coming home to the dorms that caused me so much anxiety. I remember thinking "If ___ and I ever fight, I don't think I could handle it, it's be like a fight between me and my older sister. I'd lose it (my mind--not the fight--just clarification)" Spring break was the worst week of my life, me, you, and a friend I would have never met if you weren't the mutual party. Why did you ignore me for a week? We were in sunny Florida, supposed to be having the time of our life, but you ignored me, you both did. I would say things and you would make eye contact and then...ignore me, like I didn't exist. Your face scowled at me like I was a tumor to your existence. The week caused me extreme anxiety. I was in a foreign setting with no one to talk too. I was so excited to go home, which is saying something since no one but you were talking to me in our dorm. Immediately walking in, you, your boyfriend and the third friend walked to your room and I walked to mine. You guys didn't say good bye like you always did when you left. I knew something was wrong. That weekend was hell, I racked my brain trying to figure out why you could have been mad at me, and why I didn't just cut you out then, but I told myself we were friends and it'd be okay. The Wednesday of the following week, you kicked me out of our housing plans, the plans we made in December. The plans we fine tuned, the plan that you told me was concrete so I didn't renew my lease. You told me you and the third friend were still going to move in together but I couldn't live with you. "You can come over all the time and spend the night! You can practically live there! You just can't live there..." I tried to tell myself it was okay, my mouth was making the words but I started crying. I let you back in and you crushed me. You kept saying how bad you felt and how you would help me find a place since I was now actually homeless. I left, using homework as an excuse and crying in my room alone as you and her left seconds after I closed my door. I kept telling myself it was okay since we were friends. "Don't cut them out Tiffany, they're your friends." I kept telling myself. The next Monday though, we were officially not friends. I went to your room to ask for help on a project you told me you'd help me on, when I went to your room you refused to help me. I asked why and you told me that you heard I had been spreading rumors about you, my mind raced and I wondered where you would get such information since I never did ANYTHING like that. Not to you, not my best friend, not my sister, not the ONLY exception made EVER to my philosophy. I heard my voice crack as I swore to you that I promise, pinky swear, and swear on my life that I never said anything bad about you. I never break pinky swears ___, you know this, I told you this, I told you why. They are SACRED to me. You turned away, you didn't believe me, why didn't you believe me?! We were best friends, we called each other sisters, we were each other's day one...but you turned away and I left and I cried once I made it to my room. I felt my heart break, it was in my stomach. My chest tightened and my sobs came out in short breaths, I had an anxiety attack before I realized I had to get out of here. I changed into something suitable for the outside world before leaving my room and ironically leaving at the same time as you guys. ___ and ___ put their heads down and walked faster as you and I made eye contact and you did the same, you slammed our front door behind you as you left and I opened it to leave too. I pushed past you guys, only to hear you boyfriend ask "Where the hell is she going?" before I was out of hearing distance. I talked to my nearest friend, just talking things out, nothing adding up I went home and talked to my roommate. I told her the story without names before our other roommate came out to join the conversation. She knew it was about you, so I told them the story. All of it, that's not talking s**t, it was talking facts. Our other two roommates stopped talking to me because of you. They figured since I was hanging out with you, I was brainwashed to hate them. Why? Do people see me as easily influenced. They see the naive bubbly girl and assume I'm not capable of my own decisions? Why didn't they just talk to me. When I look back you started all these problems for me, but I never thought it was you. I never blamed you, I had no idea why they started isolating me until this moment. All the anxiety and depression that had built up over the last 6 months were pinpointed back to the start of our friendship. I felt crushed, I still couldn't blame you. I thought, it's okay, this is a phase. I'll talk to her tomorrow and we can work on fixing our friendship. Why am I so naively optimistic? You stopped talking to me, you stopped wanting anything to do with me. You tried to steal my stuff from the kitchen and when I confronted you about it you sheepishly gave it back. Why? You're so much better than this. Yesterday you demanded I pay you back but refused to pay me back? Why did you think I would so willingly give you money when you refused to give back money? Two way street honey, did you think I'm submissive too? Why? Do I seem weak to people? This whole year has been friends trying to make me who they want me to be. ___ wanted me to be a good christian girl, ___ wanted me to be normal, ___ wanted me to be her best friend's girlfriend, and you, you want me to be submissive to you? Obey your every whim without question. If that's who I am you have the wrong girl. I don't need people to tell me who I am, I've dealt with it my whole life and I'm just starting to figure out who I am. I am me and that's all you need to know, you don't know me. You know who you wanted to know apparently because thinking that I'm going to back down from you is absolutely wrong. You've raged a war, I wanted to be civil. And let me tell you, that I really, really, REALLY hate that despite all you've put me through. I still don't hate you. And for me, that means that I actually love you. I've only ever experienced this with my dad, a man that has crushed me physically, mentally and emotionally still gets to be called my father because I forgave but didn't forget and still love him. This means you are the second to share these emotions, my heart has already forgiven you but my brain isn't forgetting. In fact it's fighting with the acceptance of my heart because of all the pain you've caused. You're my sister. You're my only exception. I feel like a hypocrite saying this since ___ said it earlier to me this year when she walked out on me too (different, irrelevant, over it story.) I don't hate you. And that bothers me because of the hurt and anxiety I feel, but I can't help it. I don't hate you. I still want to talk to you everyday about our days and about our inside jokes. I want to send you dumb memes and even if you don't care you laugh at it anyway. I was right, I knew if we'd fight I'd lose my mind, the one exception to my philosophy is you.