I so wanted to write about my duty weekend but it really wasn't much worth noting...I may mention it in passing.
So Rob and I had an interesting conversation yesterday on my way to work. Of course every morning I call him and we talk on my bike ride from his house to my hotel downtown. The night before he commented on a remark that Thorn made regarding family coming into town to visit a family member in the hospital. Apparently, the question rose about where they would stay and Thorn said, "They can stay at Mann house, he ain't got no wife...I have to go home to my wife." and it really bothered Rob.
After talking about it more, he said that one of the main reasons why it bothered him so much was because he's tired of feeling alone in isolation. That he would love to have a partner, someone that, i suppose, is his right hand so that when people can't reach him...they call his partner...and he said that he hasn't found anyone worthy enough to take that roll.
Like...wow...slap in the face sad
I can't say that I'm surprised, but I'm still very disappointed. Earlier in the conversation I brought up that it was interesting how media embraced white queerness and it'd be interesting to see how media and fans react seeing a black gay couple on this coming season of Love & Hip Hop Hollywood. Rob said that he didn't really identify with the whole gay thing so a lot of that doesn't really phase him as much. Recalling that remark I later asked.
"Once you find a partner that you deem worthy to live your life with, would you be okay introducing him to your family?"
...and I was sure to leave myself out of it and highlight "worthy" since he made it painstakingly clear that I wasn't worthy of being his partner.
Long story short, his answer was that he would have to ease his family into it because they're very "masculine" and rough around the edges. I said he's equating masculinity with aggression when the two aren't always the same but I didn't want to get into another conversation about gender roles.
So yep, I felt like s**t. It didn't help earlier this wek Rob blew up on me about coming home late (around midnight) and not calling him (although I texted him that I was at Meredith's at 8:22pm and if he wanted me to come home then he should've said so). He was kind of upset when I got in and yelled at me the next morning on the phone about me being a smut and nasty and having trains ran on me and whatever. He also commented that he Facetimes Demario four times a day and doesn't do it with me because apparently I'm hiding something.
Well....1) I'm not really into Facetime like that. My sister loves it, I semi-attack for always Facetiming me because I'm always ugly and 2) I see and experience your face everyday...what do I need to Facetime you for.
That and Facetime takes so much more energy and awareness that just speaking on the phone. rolleyes
I was pissed that 1) Demario is still a thing, especially when he said the other day when I raised the issue that he was just a friend that was calling him about his car but apparently 2) they're communicating everyday....which is annoying. Side note...Demario texted Marlon while he was in town...apparently they used to mess a few years ago. Womp.
If you want to be with Demario, go be with him. But it also pisses me off that you're lining someone up on the side so that when you finally are done with me you have a rebound, but I don't have the same because I'm distancing myself from people like that for you. A lot of double standards...a lot of fuked up s**t.
Anywayyyyyyy...yeah. Long story short...My self-esteem is kind of low and I'm starting to feel like I'm not worthy, which was never a predicament that I wanted to be in. I might be able to elaborate on that a little later.
Yeah...I'm kind of at a loss for words because...soo many things are going through my head about all this. But I'm sure it's not over. He's on his way here right now, which leads me to think....
Should we talk about this most recent blowup? I really want to...or...I want to iron out this London trip.
Btw, I bought a plane ticket to London yesterday for $700 from Philadelphia. I bought direct from Delta so I have until 11pm tonight to cancel it with a full refund. I'm trying to get Rob to go with me for his 41st birthday. 3nodding Not exactly sure how he'll feel since he's more of a sunny, beachy kind of guy and I'm more of a let's fly to Europe and experience the city...kind of guy sweatdrop
We'll see. He's on his way over here now so hopefully we can iron it out.
More to come later...maybe I'll talk about my MOD weekend. whee
Love heart
Ryo
Mood: Blech xp Music: "Worth It" - Fifth Harmony featuring Kid Ink from Reflection
Ryonosuke · Sat Aug 29, 2015 @ 04:28pm · 0 Comments |