A lot of people tend to think this is weird. I am into BDSM, so they should expect this from me.
There are times when I will be watching WWE. Playing WWE video games.. I'll just sit there and wonder what it would feel like to be shoved into steel steps. How it would feel to be smacked over the back with a chair. How painful it would be to get slammed onto the table. I actually fantasize about it! I crave it. To feel that kind of pain. I want to feel the physicality. And in return, I want to beat the s**t out of someone. To get what I need out of my system.
Hurting someone is fine as long as both people enjoy it. Because they do it for fun. And when it's not for fun, when it becomes abusive, it just causes fear and emotional damage.. and that is not okay. It bothers me when someone attacks me out of anger. It's hard to find someone who is respectful. At the same time, will hurt me at the appropriate time. I guess that is what makes me unique. I wouldn't hurt someone out of anger. Not someone that I love!
Maybe I like pain because I deserve it. I think it's also the fact that I feel empty inside. My emotions have become numb. The only time I get a hug is when I hug the person first. I don't have friends. I'm not close with my family. I've never had a boyfriend or girlfriend off the internet.. so I'm not use to being touched. Therefore, the pain.. you feel it even after you have been scratched, or beaten. It lingers.. and that's what I like. I like to feel something.. When I feel distant from everyone else, pain brings me back to reality. It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel that the person is actually there with me. Because when I don't feel something, everything feels distant.. like I'm dreaming.
Some people think it's wrong to hurt me.. I guess because I'm a girl. If I give them the "OK", that is the signal for them to prove their love. Like.. C'mon! Make me feel you are right here beside me. Make me feel something.. Please..
I wish I was a wrestler. I feel like it's a little too late for that, though. I am turning twenty-four on the first of December. It takes years and years of training, and I have no experience. I have been home schooled all my life, so opportunities were missed. I don't know many people. I wasn't able to continue playing sports with everyone. Y'know.. I didn't have many friends.. being the shy kid that I was. I wish I had friends here.. right now. I wish I had a friend who felt the same way I do. We can beat each other up for fun. Then right after, go out for some ice cream. I can't do that with my brother because he doesn't like pain.
The Lunatic Fringe Community Member 
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