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It's 2:13am on Sunday night....
I would like to go to bed and I want to write but I feel tired, but I'm glad that I don't have to wake up super early tomorrow.
I decided that it won't be routine at all to go to the gym on Monday mornings. Trust me, beginning the work week is already difficult enough without having to wake up two hours earlier to go to the gym. I decided that if I had a really chill weekend then I wouldn't mind waking up to go workout, but my weekends as of late have been pretty active so I haven't been worrying about it talk2hand
But I can definitely say that this past week was a lot different from last week and the last time I wrote.
I can say that my last post was last Sunday evening, probably the next day or the day after I went to Rob's house. It was actually Monday I stopped by, and Tuesday I believe I stayed the night. Of course I had to force my way over there and even then he was standoffish and very "what do you want?" towards me. Its frustrating when he gets like that but I really just tried to keep it light and explain to him that what he did the week before just wasn't cool. We eventually got to the text message that I sent him on Saturday night inviting him to my house for the dinner and drinks function that he apparently "never got". He said that he just got some random "ok" at 3am, I told him that was in reference to not even answering my text....I mean...I could've at least got a response. I showed him the text that he never got in my phone and I think he started to lighten up a bit afterward. Idk talk2hand , that night we ate together and I stayed the night.
Honestly, this past week, Rob and I spent everyday together from Mon-Sun. Like I said, Monday I stopped by, but ended up going back home because he was being mean...or that might've been Sunday. I remember texting him at like 1-something pm asking to see him and he said something' bout "Oh you waited this late and blah blah blah" Ugh. Draining xp But anyway...yes, Tuesday, I spent the night. Wednesday, we had sex. Thursday, I spent the night. Friday, I was waiting for him then spent the night and we spent the rest of the weekend together.
Honestly, by the end of the week he seemed happier and more calm, especially when it comes to us and how we interact. Saturday night he asked me if I was happy with how our relationships is going. I straight up told him "No". I explained that I hate how he shuts me out and wants to leave me every 6-8 weeks and that my goal for us in about a year would be to be married and living happily. He kinda was taken aback that I had that big of a response for such a short time frame and of course I wasn't super serious about it, but in the next few years...definitely. I'm tired of the back and forth...I just want to be in a situation where we rely and help each other to be greater than we were the day before.
A few posts ago I wrote something about not loving myself like I should. I'm not completely sure I can say that I don't "love myself", however Rob and I's relationship errs on the side of toxic. I believe we both have known this for a while which is why he's always trying to leave me, but I did find an article titled "10 toxic relationships mentally strong people try to avoid". Now I consider myself mentally strong, and I try to avoid most of these symptoms amid all of the shyt Rob and I deal with already, but there are about three good ones that were on that list that are constantly reoccurring.
5. Relationships where past blame is used to justify present righteousness.
Rob is constantly, constantly pulling me into an abyss of all of my past ******** that I'm trying to learn from, move past, and grown from. Some of those mistakes are inescapable and haunt me everyday, but I will not be a prisoner to something that God has released me from. If it's not the big situation or the Rick situation, it's something from way before either of those happened.
He always turns away from the current issue to revert back to one of these stating that my past actions is all he has to judge me off of . As I told him before, if that's the case then not a single one of us deserves redemption because we've all messed up in the past, but we grow and become better people.
That and whenever I have a real issue with him or something he's done....past shyt is also brought up. As anyone can see, it's very difficult to get things resolved and to properly move on.
7. Relationships that lack forgiveness and the willingness to rebuild trust.
Things get kind of tricky and hazy with this one. I do believe Rob is willing to forgive, but unfortunately he doesn't always do it properly. I also do think he....may.....be willing to rebuild trust, but it's been so many compound issues that have made it exceedingly hard for him to rebuild that trust in me which reverts to the issue above and this one.
Long story short, I would have to be insatiably perfect before that trust is properly rebuilt. I will need for Robert to realize that this trust and bond can be rebuilt amidst current circumstances...and he needs to have that desire to believe in me...and in us again. It just seems like every time he berates me about the past, it seems like he hasn't forgiven, nor will he ever truly in his heart...but when we spend as much time together as we did this week...it gives me hope.
9. Relationships governed by emotional blackmail.
This is kind of a really big one for me. I feel like I am always, always being blackmailed emotionally and it also relates to the two above. Because of the lack of trust and the refusal to let go of the past...every little thing turns into an issue. If I go out or go on a trip and don't tell him ahead of time, it's some kind of guilt trip. If I don't call him or speak up against something...it's some kind of guilt trip. And the worst part about it is, even if I follow all of his rules, it's not enough. That and he likes to make stuff up, believe what isn't true, and go against what he already said. It took me awhile to realize, but this man is crazy and kind of fuked up....and this happened way before I came along.
Essentially, while trying to follow all of his rules...at times I feel like I might lose a piece of myself, or I feel like I'm changing myself to fit this mold instead of living my life and loving this man the way I know is best for the both of us. When I tell him this he always retorts, "I don't have any rules." but that's a bold-faced lie. I feel like I shouldn't have to see you everyday to make a relationship work. I also feel like I shouldn't have to feel bad about stepping out with friends or taking a little trip as long as I'm not flaking out on you.
An honorable mention was 8. Relationships in which passive aggression trumps communication. which kind of goes in with the last one. Rob is definitely more aggressive than passive aggressive, but it becomes an issue when he says little slick shyt that isn't true but he'd like to believe it. This little slick shyt is usually expressed in reference to going out, having friends, or going away. My theory is...if you have an issue with me going out or what have you, let's have a discussion about it, like adults, and come to a compromise but with him that's never the case.
One thing I diagnosed is that Rob is anything but an effective communicator, that and there's a lot of double standards with him. For example, on Friday we were going to meet up and take a look at my car (it died Wednesday or Thursday morning due to alternator/battery issues). He told me he was going to hit his house real quid then be right down to South Philly (where my car was parked in the PF parking lot). I hit him about 40 minutes later asking if he was there yet and he said he was "on the way". I proceed to get up and head down there, text him that I'm here and he calls me saying he's with his friends near KOP. Not to mention, he did invite me to the movies with his "associates" (as he called them) earlier that evening in which I happily obliged, I've been meaning to meet these people just to introduce myself and let biches know who I am. Easy to say that I was pretty perturbed that he lied multiple times and that he abandoned plans he had with me to be with his friends. I have NEVER done that to him and if I did he would be livid. That shyt ain't right. I worked out for two hours went home and eventually met him about 30 minutes after that.
Also on Saturday after he fixed my car he said he'd meet me at my house. An hour and a half and three texts and a few calls later, he finally shows up saying he and his people went to get water ice. My *****, you had me waiting for you AGAIN! We had plans, you were going to come to my house so we can take your car back to your house. If you were going to chill with your people you could've just let me know. I would've taken a shower, a nap, made plans and we could've done all that later. Again, I would never do that to him. stare
Also. oftentimes, he'll wait until a big blowout to yell about how I'm so horrible and what I do is so wrong instead of having a real conversation about it and coming to a resolution. I, on the other hand, am perfectly happy to have a conversation about something. He just tends to blow me off and find means to try to justify his actions. Like when I told him that it wasn't cool to have me waiting for him like he did when we had plans, he hit me with that "what are you talking about we just got water ice" when I got frustrated and replied, "I don't care what you do! You're the only one who gets an attitude when someone goes out, I don't care! Just let me know so I'm not sitting here waiting for you to show up when you I call you and you have a car full of people talmbout you're at the bank and you'll be here in 5-10 and it's 30 minutes later!". Ugh. stressed
Anyway, I love Rob with all my heart and I know we can overcome this. I had a great week and weekend with him that I'd love to go into a bit of depth with later....especially Saturday and Sunday. Those were busy days 3nodding
But I also need to get my life together, read this book, and get a list of short term goals together. Gym is going pretty good, waking up early every morning is a killer though, I swear by the end of the week I'm exhausted. Mom's still moving in a few weeks and I....just need some space to really breathe. emo
It's after three so I'ma take my a** to bed. I'm glad I was able to write a bit and get some of these feelings out 3nodding
Till next time wink
Ryo
Mood: Feeling Decent biggrin Music: "Fashion!" - Lady Gaga from ARTPOP
Ryonosuke · Mon Aug 11, 2014 @ 08:05am · 0 Comments |
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