I'm looking back in my Journal right now and I'm wondering what kind of person I was back then. Who was I before all that and how did I change with the changes in life? I remember being able to stand up straight against all odds. I remember being able to slip into the crack to avoid the pain. Who possessed me when my sister left to go live with some ambiguous boyfriend? Who was I when I accepted a relationship months later and where did I go when that boy abandoned me, too? Granted, that was my first boyfriend and we all know how girls are with their first fling...
But what happened?
I remember being so broken when he had to go move with his dad two-thirds across the country, my knees had gotten weak with the added weight. I don't remember talking with my friends as much as he and I tried a long-distance thing. I remember getting randomly depressed over the fact my sister and boyfriend-at-the-time left me, even at parties. I should've been able to see that it wasn't working. Who was I that didn't just let go and carry on? It wasn't until around our two-year anniversary until it all fell apart, and I was fine not long after that. I had just prolonged the torture, really... When did I get so clingy to something? I never thought I was one to get attached so earnestly... Maybe I'm just a loyal lover, like a dog or something...
Who am I to not fully forgive my sister? And who am I to disown her?
I would think I'd be able to just let go like the other times and just not worry about it anymore. Write the paint down on a scrap of paper and shove it in a drawer or burn it. The aspect of letting all that go is looking really good to me. Not just that she left me and caused all that ruckus in the house. But everything. I hold no shame in saying that I've been happier just not thinking about her, forgetting her entirely for weeks at a time until the folks mention her around me. (Actually, not thinking of a lot of people has left me to be happier.... Huh.)
Talking to her hurts. Since she'd left, we haven't talked like we used to.
"Hey sis. How've you been?"
"Oh you know, can't complain."
That's about it. Sometimes she'd ask about high school and what I've been up to, and then I'd play hot-potato-phone with the family.
When I saw her on webcam for the first time, she didn't even look like my sister. She was so skinny before she left, and now she barely has a neck. Where was my sister under all that? I couldn't see her. Is this what happens when you go for the gold and run away?
I don't want a part in any of that. I don't even want to think about it. I'd rather just forget it and move on. I may be just as childish as her because of that... but I have bigger things to worry about.
Like college. It's a lot more than I imagined. I still have so much more to do... I can't let the past be an anchor, and I can't justify the wrongs. I honestly do wish my ex would burn in the deepest pits of the worst hell possible, though... And trust me, he deserves it. Anyway... I can just let go and maybe deal with it all when I get the mental capacity. Maybe after college, if my plans work out.
Maybe this is a calling to the past and indestructible me. Or perhaps I'm trying to molt from my past me to develop into a new me, a me that can handle college and life's further complications. Either way, I could use a new tactic to all this. And I'll just use the 'letting go' one till I find it.
Now back to studying...
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