Jack woke up in a strange and eerie forest. After frantically taking in his surroundings, he decided it was time to gtfo asap. So, he got up and ran . . .
“Hermione, it’s like I don’t even know you anymore,” Harry explained to the disease riddled succubus standing in front of him, a wide never ceasing grin on his face.
“Yeah, you’re a ******** whore now,” Ron helpfully added.
“Psh you two are just jealous because I get all kinds of hot men. I bet you’ve never even kissed a girl Ron!”
“You know what? YOU KNOW WHAT?! I may not have yet kissed a girl, but that’s just because my only options are you and Lavender. You are a filthy whore from whom I’m probably getting diseases just by standing this close to you. And Lavender is, let’s face it, Lavender. ******** her. I DON’T GIVE A s**t IF I END UP ALONE BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M ******** ADORABLE! SEE?
And you! Who the hell are you humping now? That Guy guy? I only know that because I had to look at the last ******** story you popped your ugly whorish face into! You know what? ******** this s**t. ******** all of you people. Hell. AND FURTHER MORE—“
But before Ron could finish, a man came bursting out of the Forbidden Forest behind them.
“Who are you?” Hermione exclaimed, deeming this man fit for her next mate.
“I’m Jack. And where am . . . I?” Jack’s voice trailed off as his eyes landed on the giant castle looming over them.
“You’re at Hogwarts!” Harry Potter said, the grin still spread across his face like some grotesque mask.
“Oh how . . . nice,” Jack said, giving the grinning Harry a sidelong glance. “I was, um, I was on a plane crash? I don’t really know how I ended up here. Did you see where it landed? Has anyone been hurt?”
“Nope we didn’t notice any plane crash,” Harry joyously exclaimed.
“How do you not notice a plane crash?” Jack questioned this boy, starting to doubt the stability of his mental state.
“Because everyone in this place is a goddamned moron,” Ron said through gritted teeth.
Suddenly Jack heard screams coming from the other side of the castle, and ran off to help, feeling the urge to save every soul on that plane.
“I’m surprised you didn’t jump on him the first second you saw him,” Ron spat at the Whore of Babylon.
“Oh that’s because I’m with someone now!” Hermione exclaimed joyously out of her sperm encrusted throat. “Edgar!”
Out from who the ******** knows where stepped this man:
“Say hello to Edgar everyone!” Hermione exclaimed, glomping onto his arm.
“Ummm Hermione? Are you sure he’s alive?” Ron questioned, backing slowly away.
Edgar just grunted/snarled at him. At this Ron froze, stood up straight, looked from Hermione to Edgar to Harry and back to Hermione.
“******** all you people,” he said calmly as he turned and walked back up to the castle.
“OMG you guys, when are we going to be there?” Sharpay sighed, looking over her nails and then out the window of the bus.
“We’re almost there,” Ryan replied before cuddling back onto Troy’s shoulder.
“Oh boy oh boy! Oh boy oh boy oh boy! I can’t believe we’re taking a field trip to Hogwarts!” stupid piano glasses b***h said. Slick took one look at her, sighed, and threw her out the window.
“Survival of the fittest, the truest way for humans to live,” John Galt, their new professor stated. He then went off into a rambling speech that lasts forever.
“I hope there will be some cute boys there!” Sharpay said over the dull monotonous sound of John Galt’s speech.
“Who are you? How did you summon me here?” Loki asked the figure he saw outlined in the doorway.
“Eh heh. Heh. Heh. Heh. That’s for me to know and you to never find out! You will stay here and love me forever!” the figure responded.
“Ummm but I have s**t to do. Like sending people into comas with my angst,” Loki replied, his initial confusion being replaced with unease.
“No. You will stay here and make sweet love to me down by the fire,” the figure stepped out from the shadows.
“OH. MY. ODIN!” Loki cried as he saw the hideous disfigured being that was Courtney.
“Love me!” the creature exclaimed before jumping on him. It then proceeded to rape Loki for a week in addition to bombarding his eardrums with poems about their never ending love. Then at the end of that week she moved on to raping that dumb s**t from Saw. Loki took this chance and ran for it.
Loki wandered for what felt like forever. He strayed from the lowest valley to the highest mountain top. Here he stopped and waited. Finally a lightning storm came. He began to cry but then someone pushed him. While he was rolling painfully down the rocky mountain side he heard Zuko exclaim “b***h this is my mountain!” from behind him.
He then continued to wander, until eventually his meanderings led him to a castle.
The bus pulled up in front of Hogwarts. The students piled out, staring in awe at the great castle. John Galt continued monologuing.
“Hey! While the teacher is distracted by the sound of his own voice we should sneak in and get sorted into houses!” Sharpay whispered to her fellow classmates.
“Why.” Troy asked.
“Because I dunno then it’ll be easier to hook up with hot guys wtf do I care let’s go!” Sharpay said as they ran off, John Galt mindlessly speaking and slowly making his way up the path, oblivious to everything but himself.
Loki wandered up to the front door. There, Professor Catface Meowmers found him.
“You must be the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher!” she exclaimed.
Loki was still in shock from the week long violent Countey rape he had to endure so he just stared at this woman.
"Very well follow me!” she said, taking his arm and leading him to the Great Hall.
Ron and Harry made their way into the Great Hall. They spotted Hermione making out with Edgar, and both of them made for the opposite end of the table.
They were not the only ones who noticed Hermione omnoming the skin right off Edgar’s face,
“Aw man Draco, Hermione’s so hot!” Blaise said.
“OMG I know. I’m so getting an erection right now,” Draco replied.
Blaise stared at Draco’s pants, “Aw man me too! Definitely because of Hermione though.”
“Erections are weird,” Draco said, poking at his pants.
“You know what else is weird?”
“What?”
“Forks.”
“Aw I know! I ate soup with a fork once.”
“Man I love soup!”
“I like chicken noodle soup.”
“I once had a chicken."
“That’s weird.”
“His name was Binglediggornatiumerandus.”
“That’s a funny name.”
And this continued for quite some time, but thankfully was broken off by the group of new students entering the Great Hall.
“OMG I wonder what houses we’ll get sorted into!” Sharpay exclaimed. Then she noticed that she was the only one there because Slick and Bella had run off to have violent sex and Troy and Ryan and run off to cuddle and who gives a ******** about everyone else.
“Oh well, more boys for me!” she giggled.
Loki was sitting at the teacher’s table in a daze.
“My turn to get sorted!” Sharpay shouted as she pushed her way through the crowd.
Suddenly Loki was snapped out of his daze by the beauty that sat underneath the sorting hat. He found himself wishing he were in the sorting hat’s place.
(On her head? No on top of her, duh! ******** you.)
Suddenly there was a commotion. Jack had come bursting into the Great Hall.
“Please help! There's been a plane crash! Many of the people need medical assistance! I need certified people willing to help and medical supplies!” But instead of being helped he just got shoved up to the front of the room and placed under the sorting hat.
“God damn it why won’t you people listen to me! I need help!”
“HUFFLEPUFF!” the hat shouted.
“The ******** is a Hufflepuff?” Jack asked, but instead of being answered he was pushed off to the back of the room.
He looked out at all the glorious tables and then turned around.
He was standing in front of the Hufflepuff table: a tiny folding table surrounded by one child examining a booger on his finger, one child that was hitting his head on the table, and one child that was masturbating. Jack was so appauled he found himself unable to move, frozen to the spot.
“Wait where was I sorted to again?” Sharpay asked, realizing no one ever ******** told her.
“Just go to Slytherin or something,” said someone I don’t care maybe the hat.
When Sharpay sat down at the Slytherin table she instantly started scanning the room, looking for a hunk of man meat. She found it. There, in a back corner, stood John Galt.
(Ok, so I wrote this at 4 in the morning, and reading it again at 4 in the afternoon, I just realized that Sharpay already knew John Galt was there because he was her teacher . . . )
She got up and strode over to him.
“Oh, hey there,” she said, staring alluringly at him.
"Thinking is man’s only basic virtue, from which all the others proceed. And his basic vice, the source of all his evils, is that nameless act which all of you practice, but struggle never to admit: the act of blanking out, the willful suspension of one’s consciousness, the refusal to think-not blindness, but the refusal to see; not ignorance, but the refusal to know. It is the act of unfocusing your mind and inducing an inner fog to escape the responsibility of judgment-on the unstated premise that a thing will not exist if only you refuse to identify it, that A will not be A so long as you do not pronounce the verdict ‘It is.’ Non-thinking is an act of annihilation, a wish to negate existence, an attempt to wipe out reality. But existence exists; reality is not to be wiped out, it will merely wipe out the wiper. By refusing to say ‘It is,’ you are refusing to say ‘I am.’ By suspending your judgment, you are negating your person. When a man declares: ‘Who am I to know?’-he is declaring: ‘Who am I to live?’" replied John Galt.
"Ummm, what?" Sharpay asked, her smile fading.
"To force a man to drop his own mind and to accept your will as a substitute, with a gun in place of a syllogism, with terror in place of proof, and death as the final argument-is to attempt to exist in defiance of reality. Reality demands of man that he act for his own rational interest; your gun demands of him that he act against it. Reality threatens man with death if he does not act on his rational judgment: you threaten him with death if he does. You place him into a world where the price of his life is the surrender of all the virtues required by life-and death by a process of gradual destruction is all that you and your system will achieve, when death is made to be the ruling power, the winning argument in a society of men."
“Aren’t you listening to me?”
"And as he now crawls through the wreckage, groping blindly for a way to live, your teachers offer him the help of a morality that proclaims that he’ll find no solution and must seek no fulfillment on earth. Real existence, they tell him, is that which he cannot perceive, true consciousness is the faculty of perceiving the non-existent-and if he is unable to understand it, that is the proof that his existence is evil and his consciousness impotent."
But then at that moment a horrible sound drowned out John Galt and any vain attempt Sharpay had next planned to get him to stop monologuing. That sound, was this.
The song ended, but it had long ago fulfilled it’s purpose: there was not a soul left in the Great Hall. They had all long ago fled, horrified, to their respective common rooms. Jack had been dragged along to the Hufflepuff common room: the inside of a barrel out by the woman’s bathroom. Loki had retreated to his chambers. The only person who still remained in the Great hall was John Galt, who hadn’t heard the song through the beautiful music of his own voice.
In Loki’s chambers his thoughts turned to Sharpay, and he began masturbating while singing this song. Once the song had ended Loki decided he couldn’t take the longing anymore and left to find and make Sharpay his.
Sharpay was also thinking of love up in the Slytherin common room. However, her thoughts turned to that hot stud on a new-age Jesus she had approached in the Great Hall.
“I haven’t come this far just to be denied!” Sharpay exclaimed, jumping up and exiting the common room.
Jack finally escaped the group of mentally disabled Hufflepuffs and went back to the plane reckage, figuring anything would be better than staying with the Hufflepuffs.
Out on the grounds, a dirty, grasping hand emerged from the soil, blood dripping from the ruined nails. Another appeared and pushed more and more earth away, finally making enough room for not one, not two, but three figures to emerge from the depths…
One day, six years later, Jack decided to make his way back to that strange place for some God unknown reason. On the way back he hit some sort of wormhole that make him jump back so really in the Hogwarts world only a few hours had passed. He was walking up the grounds when he noticed three bloody and dirt covered figures passed out on the grass. His incessant need to save everyone kicked in and Jack ran over to them. He checked each of their vitals and deemed that it was better for them to remain as they were because they needed the rest or something. However, something nagged at the back of his mind, and he decided he needed to know the answer. He roused one of them.
"Mnngh,” this figure mumbled, hazily looking around.
“Who did this to you?” Jack asked.
“John . . . Locke . . .” the figured managed to whisper before succumbing once again to the darkness. Jack stood and turned, and faced his long time enemy.
Sharpay was wandering the halls. Finally she found John Galt, standing in the exact same spot in the Great Hall.
“Oh my love! Come to me!” she called, holding out her arms.
“Just as the mystic is a parasite in matter, who expropriates the wealth created by others-just as he is a parasite in spirit, who plunders the ideas created by others-so he falls below the level of a lunatic who creates his own distortion of reality, to the level of a parasite of lunacy who seeks a distortion created by others."
Sharpay then silenced him with a long and passionate kiss. John Galt surprisingly stopped speaking and returned the kiss. And this was how Loki found them.
Loki shrieked in anger. This roused all the kids from their sleep and they all came out to watch what would happen.
Loki was so furious, he ran and tackled John Galt. Sharpay was devastated, but knew of one way to stop him. She whipped out her cell phone.
“LET'S SEE YOU KISS MY WOMAN NOW!” Loki yelled, while cutting out John Galt’s tongue.
Then the crowd parted, and the reason for Sharpay’s phone call appeared.
“My love I thought I'd lost you!” exclaimed Courtney, running to him.
“No. No. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Loki yelled as Courtney engulfed him with her large mandibles.
Sharpay ran to her lover who was lying on the floor. She turned to the crowd to find someone who could help him, but they had all left to go watch the fight between Lock and Jack, it being much more interesting than anything else that was happening.
Sharpay picked up her broken man in her arms, and carried him away to a magical land of happiness and ponies. Here she nursed him back to health. Although she could never replace his tongue, Sharpay realized that Loki’s attack was a blessing in disguise. For now, without his tongue, John Galt could no longer speak. And when this happened all the darkness left the world and everything was bright and happy and children of all races frolicked together across a field of rainbows.
Except for at Hogwarts.
Jack had just defeated Locke. Then, realizing how stupid of an idea it was to come back to this godforsaken place, left to go back to his island.
“Well wasn’t that fun!” Hermione stupided. “Come Edgar, let us go make sweet love!”
“Wait Hermione! We love you!” yelled Blaise and Draco simultaneously.
“It’s ok! We can have a foursome!" Hermione exclaimed, throwing her arms up in the air with joy.
"Yay!" cried Blaise.
"Yay!" exclaimed Draco.
"Ungherlughurgungrguh!" grunted Edgar.
They turned to go frolick up to their rooms to do all kinds of revolting emotional things, when suddenly a cry froze them in their steps.
“WAIT JUST A GOD DAMN MINUTE!”
They froze and turned.
A dirty and frazzled Hermione flew out of no where and tackled Hermione to the ground. The Hermione who had yelled at them then proceeded to beat the living s**t out of the Hermione that was on the ground.
Everyone was too shocked by the strange spectacle to do anything to stop her, and eventually Hermione had beaten Hermione to death.
Hermione stood up and stared at her bloody hands. She then began to sob uncontrollably. Her legs gave way, but before falling to the ground she was caught by Draco. No! Not the Draco who was about to go to unholy things with Blaise and Edgar, but the real Draco! While Hermione cried into his chest, Draco looked darkly at the faggoty little pathetic Draco. He raised his wand and muttered a spell that exploded Draco. His guts got all over Blaise who started to scream like a little girl.
Suddenly lightning flashed, and there behind the screaming and crying Blaise stood a heroic figure for everyone to marvel at:
“********. YOU!” he shouted before punching Blaise and knocking him out cold.
Draco spoke to Hermione, making sure she was ok, before walking solemnly over to the great man standing over the unconscious Balise.
He handed him his wand, “Do it, Blaise. Destroy it.”
Without hesitating, Blaise took Draco's wand and, with it, demolished the sad excuse for a thing sitting at his feet.
“Why the hell was I white? I mean why? WHY? Why the hell did your replacements look exactly like you and I was tunred into some white little f*****t!” Blaise exclaimed.
“It was easier for you though,” Hermione said, walking up to them, “you have no idea how hard it was for me to watch myself do all those . . . horrible . . . horrible things.”
Draco went to comfort her again, but instead of crying Hermione took a deep breath and got a hold of herself.
Then she turned slowly and saw Ron standing apart from the watching crowd. They slowly walked together and embraced.
“I’m so sorry Ron,” Hermione mumbled into his shoulder.
“It’s ok, It wasn’t you,” Ron said, staring over her into space.
“No, it’s not ok," Hermione said, pulling back and looking at him.
Ron looked back at her, cheerlessly, "You’re right. I know it wasn’t you, but I still can’t forget the things you’re look-a-like did.”
Hermione looked at the ground.
“But,” Ron said, lifting her chin so that she looked at him, "although I have to leave, I hope you’re happy with whomever you choose to be with."
The crowd then watched as Ron kissed Hermione on the forehead, and turned and strode off toward the horizon. He then went off to do many great and heroic things that won’t be recounted here.
Hermione then ran off with Draco and they had sex and made many gorgeous babies and all was good with the world.
THE ******** END
