I'm so sick of life here.
Basically, with everything that's been going on, we aren't even a family anymore. All we are, my mother, grandmother, brothers and I are five people who live under the same roof. There's no friendly conversation, no "hi, how are you?"s, no anything like that. All we seem to do is fight and all my mother and grandmother seem to do is control every move us "kids" make.
I'm nearly eighteen years old and I'm not allowed to go and get myself a pre-paid master card so I can purchase myself something that I can't get here. I'm not a ridiculous shopper, in fact I hardly ever buy myself anything, but the moment the notice was posted on the door saying my Tarot Cards had come in my grandmother flipped s**t at me about it was completely and utterly "irresponsible." But, months ago (before I knew I could pick up a pre-paid credit card at Sobeys or whatnot) NO ONE would help me pay for my college applications and I did not - and still don't - have to the means to do it myself. I had to ask my father - who for years I hated - to help me and he was the only one who did.
I'm so unhappy with where I am right now I'm trying to get things set up so I can move in with him for the summer. He doesn't have room for me (I'd be stuck in my cousin's old room as long her son wasn't there), I'm a good half hour away from all my friends and I know virtually no one down there but I can't stay here anymore. All I want to do is rip my hair out and scream. I'm so frustrated and so annoyed and so tired of all the fighting...
I've been so stressed this past week, my eye hasn't stopped twitching. Not only that but I'm sleeping even less now which makes me irritable which only makes things worse. Not only that but no one seems to understand that I have a s**t ton of final projects and assignments due before exams as well as exams to study for and this is my grad year! It's supposed to be fun and exciting but all I want is for it to be over so I can get the ******** out.
What's more, I can't do anything here. I have NO freedom. I nearly eighteen and I can't have friends over, I can't go to the movies unless I'm accompanied by an adult, I can't go to the mall with my friends before mom's screened them thoroughly, it's pathetic. And the cherry on top of it all is this: She's told me 5-6 times this year that she's going to kick me out, she's told me that life would be easier if I wasn't living here, she even went so far as to tell me that if I get into the school I want to go to she's not going to help me in the least (honestly, I don't give a s**t. She can keep her ******** money) and that I don't have a place to come home to for vacation. Fine by me, I'll stay with my boyfriend but that's completely beside the point.
She's making my life miserable and I can't stand it anymore. I have 94 days left but when all you do is fight it seems like an eternity.
All my friends keep telling me that it won't be long, that I'm almost out, that I only have a few more months but what they don't understand is that it's different when you're only hearing about the fights and not the one doing the fighting. It feels like so much longer and it's so much harder when you're the one who has to live that way. My mother is borderline psychopathic with her need for control and it's at the point where it's starting to scare me. I'm constantly walking on eggshells, desperately trying not to anger her but every day it gets harder and the list of things that set her off get bigger.
I need help.
I need out.
And I don't know how I'm going to manage till I leave for school.
Girl_in_love61636 Community Member 
|
|
