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Interview with the Riddler
Hey, folks! So, I finally finished my first interview. It was with a guy that calls himself the Riddler. Odd duck, that one. What follows is the official transcript of our interview. Enjoy it!
G: Welcome to Gobby's first interview. Why don't you give us your name and occupation?
R: My name? Well, my real name is Edward Nygma, but just call me the Riddler and everything is fine. My occupation? Lets just say that I am a professional criminal, right?
G: Riddler, eh? So, I assume you have a bit of a fetish for riddles, right? I have a fetish for fine scotch and expensive hookers. But, hey, that's just me. I bet you have an arch nemesis, right? Hopefully it's not a guy that dresses up like a flashy spider. Tell me why you got into this particular line of work. Were you bored? Or maybe someone killed your family? If not, do you want someone to kill your family? I'm looking for a side job or two.
R: No! It's not a fetish, I'm obsessed with riddles and puzzles. And yes, I do have one and no, it is not a spider. He dresses up like dirty animals through, I'm talking about Batman. No, I'm not going to talk about him. I will not pollute the air by saying his name. As I said, I got into this work because I am obsessed with riddles and I had to use my intelligence for at least something.
About my family? Next question please...
G: Wait! You mean the 'hero' you fight dresses up like a bat? I bet he wears a cape too, right? Haha! Lame. Anyway, let's move on, shall we? I have to say, you dress quite stylishly. Green is a good color and you pull it off nicely. What made you decide to dress yourself in green? And using purple to accent the green, genius idea. I wish I would have thought of that!
R: Yes, he calls himself a hero. Actually he is not.
And yes, I know that I'm stylish, no need to tell me that. I just wear green because green is my favorite color, puh.
G: Interesting. I wear green because it brings out the madness in my eyes. Now, do you work with a partner or are you a henchman type of guy?
R: Actually, I work alone. I once had henchgirls, but that did not end very well. So I work alone and I will keep working alone...
G: Working alone, that's the way to go. Tell me about some of your contemporaries. You know, your fellow guys on the wrong side of the law. Who do you like, who do you hate, and who would you pay me to pumpkin bomb?
R: Oh no, I do not really know alot of them. Though there is a clown who is quite annoying to me. And Ivy, trying to beat me up all the time....
G: Wait! Wait! Wait! Why do you sound so weak? A woman tries to beat you up? Just slap her around like one of those guys on Mad Men! Aren't you the top villain in your city? Don't the other villains fear and respect you?
R: Oh no no no no, I'm not weak. She's just too strong. You see, she had control over plants EVERYWHERE!!!! And no, I'm not really the top criminal, I rather like to work alone as I said, apart from those other villains.
G: Just cause you work alone, doesn't mean you can't be the top bad guy in your area...
Now it looks like our time is up. Any last words for the audience?
R: Yes. Riddle me this:
I have four wings,
but cannot fly,
I never laugh and never cry;
On the same spot I'm always found,
toiling away with little sound.
What am I?
G: Seriously? You're only now asking a riddle? I was totally expecting this from the beginning. The answer is a windmill.
R: I'm sure you used the internet for that, CHEATER!!!
G: What if I did? I'm the head of a multi-billion dollar company. I can do what I want. And I only cheat on two things. Death and taxes. Anyway, I got you a parting gift. *places a pumpkin bomb on the table in front of the Riddler* I hope you enjoy it. I gotta run. Thanks for answering my questions! *hops on glider and flies off into the sunset a few minutes before the studio that housed the interview explodes*
Riddler, if you're out there reading this, maybe in a full body cast. Sorry about blowing up the building with you hopefully in it. Here's some advice. Don't let hookerish looking chicks with plant fetishes get you down. I don't know, maybe carry around a bottle of weed killer or something. Go out and show the women who's the boss. Find your inner Charlie Sheen and start winning!
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