Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

A CHRISTMAS STORY

“You know Jessica; I’m starting to think that my life is kind of crappy.”

Jessica glanced at me from where she was sitting, halfway through pulling up her green stocking, “Oh really?” she said, and I tried to pretend that she sounded interested.

I sighed, taking a long drag of my cigarette, not caring if the kiddies would smell it on me later.

“No, seriously Jess, my life is horrible. I mean, it’s never been great or anything, but I’ve always had something good to say about it, you know, nice parents, or a good boyfriend, or that twenty dollar bill I found on the sidewalk that one time.”

“Ah yes, the free twenty dollar bill, the highlight of any girl’s life,” Jessica interjected, putting on her curly red elf shoes, the little bell at the tips tinkling joyously. My eye twitched at the noise, if I never heard that sound again…….

“Would you stop being snarky for a minute and just listen to me? Christ, I’m having a revelation over here.”

“Whatever.”

“Okay, so anyway. It’s truly unbelievable; my life is so crappy I feel like I’m wading through sewage. My boyfriend is the Santa at the toy store; I’m dressed as an elf and have to go amuse a bunch of little children. It’s Christmas Eve but I’m flat broke, you’re my only friend but you’re a total jerk ninety percent of the time, my car broke down last week and my only pair of sneakers has a hole in the bottom. Plus it’s snowing,” I took another long drag of my cigarette and tried not to notice the dirty looks the other ‘elves’ were giving me. I didn’t care if this was the employee locker room; if I didn’t have a smoke right now I would go crazy, it was necessary to my survival.

“So what do you want from me? Are you under the impression that I care about your whining?” Jessica replied, standing up and closing her locker.

“I don’t know,” I sighed, “I guess I just wanted you to tell me that things weren’t so bad or to look on the bright side or something.”

“Do I strike you as the type to look on the bright side of anything?”

“No.”

“But if you really want something to be thankful for, at least you live in a nice house and you don’t have to struggle to pay rent every month, like me,” she sounded bitter, and I couldn’t blame her. She had a bachelor’s degree in Mathematics, and she was working as an elf at the outlet mall. Life really wasn’t fair sometimes.

“Ha, you are welcome to my ‘nice house’ any time you want. It has no heating, the plumbing’s iffy, my backyard doubles as a graveyard and…” I forced myself to say it, told myself that a year was long enough, that I should move on, “…..without my parents there, it’s just, it’s too lonely. I-I have trouble standing it, sometimes.”

“All elves take your places by the Christmas tree, the customers will be arriving in a few minutes,” the loudspeaker interrupted, and we both sighed. A paycheck was a paycheck after all; I just hoped that I wouldn’t get barfed on.

It was finally over, no more snot nosed kids or annoying parents. Well it had just ended for me at least; Jessica had slipped out thirty minutes ago and in the process had taken away my only chance of a ride.

I looked out the window at the heavy snow and groaned; damn it I really wish my car hadn’t broken down.

“I could always ask Joe,” I said suddenly, thinking of my boyfriend for the first time in six hours, “I know his hours are shorter than mine but maybe he had stayed behind to close up shop or something.”

I immediately regretted not bringing a thicker jacket; the wind whipped me around like a rag doll and the snow quickly frosted over my eyebrows and hair, causing me to shiver violently.

“Joe better give me a ride, I don’t care how out of his way my house is,” I grumbled, gritting my teeth and pulling open the squeaky employee entrance to the ‘We Luv Toys’ shop.

It was dark and I tried to feel along the wall for a light switch, but it was a fruitless endeavor and I eventually just gave up, letting my hands drop to my sides in frustration.

“He left didn’t he?” I said out loud, feeling exasperated.

I sighed, resigned to the long walk I was going to have to take, when I heard something hit the floor.

“Shhh,” a voice hissed and I blinked, instantly realizing that it was probably a young couple ‘experimenting’, which was gross and more than a little uncomfortable. But maybe if I promised not to rat them out they would give me a ride……

I smiled at my own genius and once again reached for the light switch, this time successfully, and watched smugly as the lights flickered on and my eyes adjusted to the brightness.

I could feel my smile melt from my face as I quickly realized that it wasn’t a young couple. It was Joe and Jessica, their tongues down each other’s throat.

I heard the bell on Jessica’s shoe twinkle as she slowly stepped away and turned to look at me and I flinched.

The silence was deafening, I looked at them and they looked at me, and I wasn’t really sure how I felt about anything at that moment.

So, after no one said anything at all, I left, closing the door behind me with a slam and walking briskly out of the outlet mall, into the snow.

“Jesus Christ it’s cold,” I whispered to myself, rubbing my hands over my arms as I tried to stomp my way through three inches of snow.

To be honest I didn’t care that Joe was sleeping with Jessica, I had never really liked Joe as anything more than a friend, to be honest I had only dated him so I wouldn’t feel alone.

But damn it, I sure felt alone now.

I could feel tears slipping down my cheeks and I wiped them away quickly, but it didn’t seem to work, more tears just came to replace the old ones and before I knew it I was sobbing.

“N-now I’m just being silly, why am I crying?” I rubbed my eyes vigorously, willing myself to stop, but I couldn’t, and with every sob my chest seemed to constrict until I could barely breathe at all and I was stumbling through the snow like a drunk after a night on the town.

Somewhere along the way I tripped, falling face first into the slush and completely drenching my hair and clothes.

That was it, I couldn’t take it anymore.

“It’s not fair! Why is my life so shitty!?” I screamed, succumbing to my feelings, finally admitting that they existed.

I didn’t care that Jessica had lied to me, I didn’t care that Joe had cheated on me, I could forgive, I could forget, because it didn’t matter, because that wasn’t important.

But why was everyone always leaving me all alone? Why was I always everyone’s last choice? Why didn’t anyone ever care about my feelings? Why was I always the one who had to apologize, even when it wasn’t my fault, because I was afraid that if I didn’t I’d be left completely alone? Why didn’t anyone care about me?

I didn’t know what to do, there was an ache racking my entire body, and no matter how much I cried the feeling wouldn’t go away, no matter how much I screamed and kicked and cursed I still felt it piercing me in the chest. So I did the only thing that I could think of, I ran.

Home was only a small distance away and if I ran I could get there in a couple minutes, I could go to my parents’ graves and cry to them like I used to, I could pretend that the only people who had ever cared about me were still around to wipe away my tears, I could pretend I wasn’t all alone.

I reached my house from the back way, walking straight into the graveyard, feeling out of breath and emotionally exhausted.

“What am I doing?” I asked no one, and predictably no one answered.

For some reason, that made me want to cry even harder.

I walked through the twisting path of the graveyard, through great great aunts and uncles and relatives I had never met or heard of until I finally reached the plot where my parents lay.

But there was someone else there before me. Someone with a shovel.

They didn’t seem to see or hear me as I approached and I couldn’t seem to move from where I stood. They had a shovel. They had a shovel and they were digging up my parents’ graves. It was surreal.

“W-what are you doing?” I finally managed, causing the man to jump and turn around to look at me.

The hard fluttering of fear in my chest quickly dissipated when I saw him.

He was tall and unbelievably skinny; all bones and sad, droopy eyes, like a starving puppy. He couldn’t have been any older than seventeen.

We stared at each other in silence for a few moments, the shovel slowly dropping from his grasp as he tried to slowly back away.

“I-I’m sorry, I just, I…” he trailed off and looked away from me, his entire body poised to run, and I felt a tightening in my chest. How dare he try to desecrate my parents’ graves and then just take off? Did he think that just because he was the most pathetic thing I had ever seen that I would just let him leave?

Before I could talk myself out of it I grabbed him by the wrist, anchoring him where he stood and forcing him to look at me.

“Why were you trying to dig up my parent’s graves?” I said quietly, refusing to break eye contact.

“I-I’m so sorry, I didn’t, I’ll just go…”

“I asked you a question. Why are you trying to dig up my parents’ graves on Christmas Eve of all days? We’re not Egyptian you know; I didn’t bury my parents with all of their worldly possessions.”

He stared blankly at me, mouth open and gaping like a fish, “I-I just…… I d-didn’t mean to target your parents or anything, I’m sorry.”

I could feel myself softening a little, I had never liked teenagers, but he wasn’t like any teenager I had ever met. He was more like a lost lamb, and all of a sudden I felt like a Shepard.

“It’s alright, I’m not mad. Just tell me why you’re doing this.”

“…….You wouldn’t like the answer,” he said finally, his droopy eyes begging me to release him.

“Try me.”

“P-people don’t like me. And that’s okay, r-really I don’t b-blame them……. but sometimes I want to t-talk to someone you know? I don’t t-take them out of the boxes, I-I just, talk to the coffins. I-I pretend that behind the wood, that under there, they’re l-listening,” he paused, licking his lips, “I-I like to pretend that someone listens when I talk.”

I let go of his wrist. Damn it, he made me feel like weeping all over again.

“What’s your name kid?”

He blinked at me, “Peter Miss, y-you won’t call the cops on me will you Miss?”

“Nah, nothing like that. I just thought that I would make you keep me company for Christmas.”

He stared at me for a moment, “W-why?”

“I came here to pretend as well,” I said nodding towards the graves beneath us and I saw him bite his lip.

“What’s your name Miss?” he said finally.

“Harmony.”

“I’m really sorry about your parents Harmony.”

“They’re already dead Peter, it doesn’t matter.”