I wish I could record exactly how I feel (not in words). It would be so much more help than writing it down. Perhaps shorthand? Instead of sentences, just write words in a very specific manner; short, to the point, unmistakable.
every part aches, mentally, emotionally, physically
panic attack
heart beating fast and hard
body won't stop moving
sleep seems like hell
i'll have to stop moving
then it'll all set in
so if i don't ever stop
it won't ever catch me
even if i have to beat my head into the wall
i'll keep moving
does that make me a coward?
that i won't face that which plagues me?
no i face it everyday
every moment even
it always haunts me
like a ghost with a bloodied knife
i'm not weak i'm not weak i'm not weak
yup i stopped and the thoughts stopped
staying up sucks
it just slows me down and speeds me up at the same time
puts me so much stress that i usually put to the side
now i'm writing like someone else i know
a little bit creepy yeah but maybe that's why i understood it somewhat well
i wish i could be heartless too
this is kinda fun
writing up small nigh-poetic thoughts then twisting it right at the end
that one before made me laugh
cause it leads you down one path
then yanks it hard in another
always leaving you somewhere in the middle of the paths it took
you were wrong all along
maybe I can keep doing this
i can't create a thought of my own
not a single bit of starting creativity flows in my blood
but if i just write a single word everything pours forth
i'm not a writer
but i've been told that i have a way with words
with minds
i ******** everything i see
i'm a little bit of a whore when it comes to this
but it's so fun to dance in and out of someone else's likes
dislikes
prejudices
it's so fun to dance in the lead rain that pours forth when you insult them
and then you smile
with a twinkle in your eye
slip around behind them
and whisper that you love them in a hot sexy voice
only to dance off again
never letting them touch
only that you have loved
will love
and will love again and again
just not you
when you let things go
that's when you see what they really are
sometimes the glimmer of gold and diamonds
loses is luster once you take it off and set it down
the trash you throw away
for a fleeting second
sparkles brighter than anything you have ever seen before
just before it passes the rim of the basket
just before it disappears forever
what if the two were to meet?
if i could have a carousel to spin me round and round
i would sit on the furthest edge
curl up and close my eyes
and believe that i am perfectly fine
i could walk off without a problem
i could even keep spinning indefinitely
but then i would miss you
you strike a flint and steel and it will spark
it's beautiful for a little while
you will strike a few times more
then the fire is lit and the spark is gone
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...wait, what?
Stuff even "I" don't know about!
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