I am getting so tired of having my face.
I am always getting catcalls, staring, or people who think they love me(the visual). I am tired of people looking at the shell. Why can't they see my soul?
Examples
1. I am at work and a lady is staring at me. I pretend not to notice. She comes up to me and tells me she would love me to sit for her. (In other words she wanted to paint me.)She tells me what a wonderful subject I would make. I thank her and decline, feeling uncomfortable.
2. My mother and I go out to get lunch. I will briefly list the most recent incidents.
a. I get 40% off my check at a restuarant.(reason given I'm cute)
b. I get a free meal at another place I go to eat.(all the guys seem to think I like being stared at)
c. I get free desserts at other places.
3. I am at my second job just stocking the new colors. I noticed a middle aged lady looking at me. I smiled and continued working as she still looked. Then she walks up to the manager and said " Where do you find such beautiful girls? "
The manager thanks her, the lady smiles at me and takes her leave.
I don't see anything special when I look in the mirror. I wonder what they see different then what I see. This has been going on my entire life, as far back as I can remember.
Examples
1. I was born and raised Overseas.(am not mentioning which countries) I remember people telling my mother how pretty I was as a child.
2. As I got older I was 9 when we were stopped walking through town square. We were told how striking I was and he asked for permission to take my photo. My mother was always so proud. That started 10 years of photographers taking my photo. (until I was old enough to say no as a adult)
3. Even at the age of 9, I was getting free meals. We go to a high end eating establishment. My meal alone was 135 and we were not charged. (I was told I was beautiful, have a nice day)
I now lead a modest life. I never mention these happenings to any people.
I work real jobs but...I can not seem to keep my co-workers from taking a fancy to me.
Examples
1. I feel some one staring at me so I look up and see one of my co-workers smiling. I ask him if I can help him with anything. He asks me out. I smile and decline politely.Problem solved, or so I thought he continued to look at me all the time.(and ask me out again he said " You smiled at me, can I see you smile again " wink
2. Other male co-workers have
a.Asked me to dinner
b.Drawn anime for me
c.Told me they like me
d.When I got bummed out when a older co-worker made a pass another co-worker said " Well look at you." and smiled.(Yes he was trying to be nice but it just made it worse)
e.Now my female co-workers are asking me out. The first one told me she really liked me. She wants to go out to dinner and a movie. I once again declined. I told her I could be friends only.
The second one just started a week ago. We were all at break and my work buddies were standing while I was sitting. Next thing I know the new girl sits beside me and smiles. I did not want to be openly rude so I made small talk. I waited for my moment to get away. When she started openly flirting I excused myself and left.
My work buddies think it is funny and laugh. They tell me 'I'm like glue. People want to be near me.' and then my favorite work buddy says " I don't see why you are nothing special."( I totally love her for that. It makes me feel so much better.)
All this atention over the years has left me distrusting most. I do not believe everyone thinks I am so called pretty. I don't think I am pretty. I know others do. This makes me uncomfortable.
All I want is for someone to be honest. Just to look at me and tell me I am ugly.I just want honesty, not everyone can think I am pretty. Because I don't even think I am pretty. When I look in the mirror I see nothing different from anyone else.
Why can't they look past the skin and see my soul confused
basquevampirequeen Community Member 
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