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...Ugh, how could I not see it? It's been right in front of my face for such a long time, what a terrible person I really am. How could I ever be so terrible without even knowing of my own nature? I feel awful and relieved at the same time now that I finally understand a problem that's been on my mind for so long. I just hate the fact that the solution is something so terrible within myself rather than something external. I was jealous and angry the entire time. I wouldn't admit it because I scarcely even knew of their existence, these feelings inside me, because I try so hard to keep my darker nature hidden. It's a secret that I try so desperately to hide from everyone; the fact that I'm such a truly dark person deep within. Almost no one who knows me would believe it, and that means that my deception works well, but I think it's gone on long enough that I'm not deceiving just others anymore, but myself, too. I have to remember my place, though I prefer not to. It hurts me that it's taking me every moral fiber in my body to keep my distance and not screw things up for them intentionally. I feel as though they shut me out now whenever they're together, like they have no desire to be with me and only enjoy each other's company. But I suppose that they're wiser because of it, even if it hurts me so much. Part of it is selfish, the reasons that I won't mess with them, I have to admit; I don't want them to hate me, and they would if they knew the kind of girl I really was... so would everyone else who knows me, I fear. I'm glad no one can see in to my mind, because they wouldn't like some of the things that they saw there; so much jealousy and anger and hatred, loneliness and fear and sadness. What is someone such as me, so cowardly and scared, to do with all this but lock it away and pray with everything I possess that no one will ever find it? How am I supposed to continue living with everyone else, knowing full well what I am, without running away from them and from everything I've ever known that has meaning to me?
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Community Member
You shouldn't go pounding yourself into the ground about this, though! It's common to feel lonely, anger, and jealousy; but it's important that we don't have these feelings consume us-- making us become bitter and cold. That's why you shouldn't let bad things get the worse of you. Even I feel such feelings, but I remember that I'm a role model to some people, and that I have to set up a positive example for them. You need to realize who you are to people, and continue to present a good example.
You seem kinda bummed that you feel so negatively when people think of you so positively. They only look at you positively becuase they see the good in you. Those people who see the good in you should be the ones to support you through troubled times. What I'm saying is I'm certain you're a role model to plenty of people. I'm not certain if you see that, but it's important to acknowledge people look up to you. You're a role model to me, as you've shown me there's truelly some amazing people in this world! ^_^
Forgive me if I'm not getting the correct idea, it's just I've become so cautious of my friends feelings lately. A friend of my brother's had committed suicide earlier this week. I dunno what fueled him into doing such a thing, but I'd never want to see my friends do such a thing.