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Before I truly begin-I may repeat myself quite a bit, or go completely off topic. If you try to follow this, not only do I thank you, but I apologize. Organization is a point I’m losing. Also, because I’m also posting this on public forum sites, I’m mentioning people by their first initial. Some may not care, but at the same time, some may. I’m sorry if anything I say about them may sound personal, but this is all coming from my point of view. And of course, spelling and grammar errors may occur, blah blah blah…

…I’m doing this because I’m afraid I may be losing my mind. I simply cannot take holding my thoughts and feelings in anymore. Yet I’m too much of a coward to simply share with one person, so I’m writing this in hopes that not only will it relieve me in some way, but maybe someone else will read it, and comment, one way or another. So with that said, I’m laying out ALL that’s coming to my mind-and holding nothing back.

Here goes…

First off, I shall start with my interests, since I’m REALLY finding them sickening. Truly. The first one being the computer-games, chatting, porn, whatever, I use it for it. It’s taking over me quite a bit, and it’s giving me a lovely headache. I don’t just use it a couple hours-I’ve spent 10 at once, not moving, at this damn thing. And it’s happening regularly. I’m trying to wean myself away, but it’s hard when it’s one of my few pleasures. The other thing that’s really disgusting me is my re-found interest in porn/hentai. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the ladder, hentai is cartoon porn. I guess I’m lonely, or some ******** up excuse, but usually every night I’ll at least glance through the damn pictures I have saved once. I dunno…never masturbated in my life, and all they do for my is an erection, so I don’t understand why the ******** (pun kinda intended) I bother. Curiosity, since I’m a virgin, maybe? Honestly, how pathetic. There’s no romance in pictures, at least not in those ones. And what’s really ironic, is the thought of me actually engaging in sex makes me nervous as hell, and also grosses me out. So yeah. Then, we move on to video games. I rather like these, but they’re hurting more than helping me. I spend too much time with them, and less for actually MOVING myself. Yes, the storylines are usually excellent, and pretty pictures are always nice, but really. My mind can do that while I’m on a nice walk…or so I’m hoping. Then, there’s my drawings. I used to be quite fond of this…until I tried it in high school. It killed my interest in it. I haven’t gotten any better since I was 13. I may notice more areas to put in detail, and have a few more ideas, but…eh. It annoys me simply trying to discuss it sometimes. And then there’s reading/writing. Now, aside from this, I haven’t tried writing much of anything since high school, but I’m ALWAYS reading, from video games, to fan fiction, to mail, or to the occasional book. But I’d really like to try out my story ideas-if I just found the motivation. I’d like to try to find OTHER things to interest me, hopefully outdoors, but…it’s winter. I’m not too big on snow/cold mud.

Mkay…next could be my goals. I’ve got no clue anymore. School sounds nice, but I need money, something I’m none to eager to make, not even for my family. And then…well, what the ******** would I go for? Parties? Ha…cute. And then, well, what afterwards? Get a job/career, get a house, grab a wife, make a few babies and carry on? I wouldn’t mind the family part…at all, actually, but…is it really for me? If I’m not comfortable with myself, how the hell am I going to help raise a family? And with my anger/frustration problems, well…how am I going to keep calm, and not hurt them? And GAH, it’s too far away from now for me to even actually be CARING. Yet, then what the hell am I here, in life, for then, if I have no goals? Yeah, living to trying to make my friends and family happy sounded nice and all, but it’s ******** hard when all I can focus on is pathetic little old Matt. Besides, why should I do that, if my life is my own?? Which in a way leads me to my next two thoughts…the first being trying to get into politics, to help the world. Because, well, you know, the world of man is just so awesome. But just reading on it, and the intricate little details that go into it just hurt my head. Not truly because I don’t understand it-but because I don’t grasp the meaning of a lot of the ******** up things it involves. Which then leads to the last area of my thoughts on goals-just helping the world BURN. And oh, it’s getting more and more tempting…

…maybe I’ll go on to a part of life that actually interest me, even though I know nothing of it-romance. Although being a guy, I hold no shame in saying I’m very fond of two people finding each other, and living happily. Sex doesn’t even register much-and if it should, it should be the deep intimate kind, instead of the ’one night stander.’ Retarded. It just…makes life seem worth it, it some way. And to start a family… ^^ Yet…at the same time, shouldn’t we all love each other? We are all human-I doubt I need to list that which makes us so. So why should one person, or a group of people, be loved more than another? And why can’t everyone grasp onto the feeling of love? Have we come to find it so weak? As for MY role in it…again, I dunno. Love to, yet afraid, I guess. I can’t comment much-only had…two? relationships, both over the internet. Yay. Because, you know, when it comes to talking to girls face-to-face, I’m just so charming and suave. Gah. Anywho, neither of those two went well-the first, ended by E, because…well, no matter how you look at it, it wouldn’t have worked out. Too much difference between her and I, and near the end, we weren‘t even getting along well. And S…heh. I really think if I had just WAITED…maybe it would’ve worked out. If I had waited until I actually felt happy about being alive, maybe it’d have gone better…but I just wanted to feel needed, I guess, so I asked, without even trying to get to know her more, and while still felling like crap. I ended that one, feeling it’d have gone sour at some point anyway. I have regrets on both, but in the end, it’s most likely the best thing to have happened. Which has brought me to my conclusion that…well, maybe I should just avoid it in general. Although misery may love company, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m fairly selfish with mine.

K…I guess now I’ll discuss my friends. And boy, this may take a bit… I only consider three people to truly be my friends in life, and everyone else friendly acquaintances. It’s…hard for me to honestly give someone the title of my friend, even if I don’t think it amounts too much. And because they come in no order of favorism, I’ll do this chronologically…the first being A. We met when we were 10, the summer before I started middle school. His father had moved into the trailer behind mine, and one day while my sister was outside with her wagon, he came over to play with her. My mother called me out to introduce me, and after the formalities were dealt with, we played, mainly with my sister. It wasn’t until the summer when we were 12 that we actually started hanging out more. Since then, we’ve been rather good friends…well, until his parents had their major ‘falling out.’ Since then, he’d barely gone over to his fathers, so we rarely met up. And now that his father’s moved, and his mother is…well, being his mother, it’s even rarer that we see each other now. In fact, last month was the firth time I saw him in little over a year. I’d love to hangout with him more, but…well, he’s barely got time now. Next would come J. Although we met in sixth grade, we really didn’t become good friends till seventh. At the time, J and I were…well, quite alike, at least on how interests go. Didn’t hurt that we thought alike, either. For a majority of high school, I think we considered each other best friends. …I still don’t know what happened, but we just started…drifting apart, I guess, after high school. He said he thinks it’s because we didn’t hangout as much, what with school gone and the lack of usually meeting up…but honestly, if either of us REALLY wanted to, we could’ve gone to meet up whenever, and just…goof off. Then R came into play. Oh, how I am fond of R, as is now J. >: Anyway, J and R started to hangout quite often, and I guess they became best friends. Well, until R showed his true colors, at anyrate. Yet, J and I still didn’t hangout at all, really, until he offered I go work at Alpco. I guess what with seeing him there regularly (at least on weekends) and us being at the same spot so he could give me a ride, we ‘bonded’ again. Still not as close as before, but enough that I once again list J in my little list of friends. …too bad he moved to go see his current romantic interest. I think I could use his company…oh well. It was bound to happen, one day or another. Then last, but certainly not least, is L. I sadly cannot claim the remember the first time we met, but I’m sure it was in the middle school cafeteria, and the word ‘MEOW!’ was involved. ^^ …and now that I look back, I’d like to kick myself, since I realize I was one of the people who (maybe not much, but I STILL did it) picked on him due to his height. I had no right, especially since I got picked on…gah. ******** school. Anywho, Freshman year, when we had our first class together (Earth Science, with Mr. Updyke,((sp?)) awesome times biggrin ) we actually started to hang out quite more. Didn’t hurt at all that we both considered (and I hope it still holds true, on both accounts) J to be our friend. And when the three of us hung out together, just us…I think those are some of the happiest times in my life so far. No kidding, at all. And when J and I started to drift apart, I latched onto L, and he truly became one of my friends. We’ve had some…interesting times together, ones I wouldn’t trade anything for, and have had some awesome conversations (even more so than I’ve had with J) but now…again, I’m at a loss. I think we’ve both gone into depression more, what with him losing is job at Alpco and not finding anything (only on top of SO much more…) and me…well, just being me, that we don’t hangout as much. I guess you could say I’m trying to give him space, but…I think he could use someone to ACTUALLY talk to, not just over the phone. Yet, I’m just not as up for it as I used to be…I’d have loved for all three of them to get introduced with one another, and hangout with them all at once, but it never happened, and I really doubt it ever will.

…eh. Since I mentioned it, I guess I’ll go into it now-Alpco. The place J, L and I work/ed at. Amusingly, none of us are there now. There’s quite a bit to that place, and to my feelings on it, but I’m starting to lose interest in this, is I won’t go much into it. But I will say this- I HATE that damn place. I really ******** do.

…yeah. I was going to go into my family, and more thoughts of life, but I feel kinda…drained. I don’t know if it’s because I feel better or not, but I do know I’m not as interested in continuing this as I was. Maybe I’ll go into another rant on myself later. I dunno. Anywho, if you read all I had to say, I thank you. And with that, I’m done.

~Matthew R Holton