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You know, it used to be that when I was upset id find someone to talk to and ramble. However, after these years of saying the same thing, I'm wishing that for once I could cheer up. I'm lonely, I've always been lonely, I'll always be lonely. I am a prisoner to my own awkwardness. I have tried to mature, I've tried to be more open, I just fail at it. Im not trying to say I'm giving up, but I am saying...well mostly I'm just saying it ******** sucks. I remember with my good friend Donna as a sophomore in high school, that I was always angry at her. Not as a person or because of any great wrong she had ever done me, but instead that she would always get in trouble, and when she got it trouble, it meant I no longer had anyone to be around. Last year it was Jamie, who I used to snap at more for the fact her parents never let her out of the house than any dislike of who she is. It seems life is willing to give me good friends, just one at a time and at every other year intervals, and it makes me wonder if ever I'll have anything stable. Will I always go through this period of staring at my ceiling so long I could tell you the exact number of spots, cracks, and jabby bits it has. Sat laying beside these bookcases long enough to be sure my lungs have a thick layer of dust inhaled from the incense I light just for the sake of something to do. I sleep 10 hours a day, not because I'm tired, but because I have nothing else to do. I am worse than a prisoner in some sense, at least they have someone to blame their misery on. They are stuck in those small cells by means of their guards, and our judicial system. I am stuck in this house merely because I hate the idea of anyone realizing just how pathetic I am, forced to do everything alone because my personality is too flawed for anyone to willingly put up with. Its sad when your two best friends are your laptop and your cell phone. Not that I really use them to talk to many people, certainly none within a 2000 mile radius of myself. I don't mean to sound as if I mean to gain pity, I am just so sick of doing nothing. The more I think of these past four months the more it hurts, physically. As I type this my fingers are cringing at how physically alone I am. If it weren't for Nicole I don't know what I would have done these past weeks. I have no idea how she does it, but she loves me. She has the patience of a saint, and is the last straw I'm grasping at, and thank god for me shes more of a steel terrace than a straw. But as much as I love her, she cant preoccupy me all the time, nor should she have to. So instead I turn to food, not that it has any taste anymore. The more I think about food the more I am repulsed by the idea, I have eaten so much of everything I am sick of anything, but that couldn't possibly put me off...No, instead I sit in my chair and when Im bored I sit and plot what I could eat, not that I'm hungry, but because staring at something cooking in the microwave and grinding my jaw is something to do. I take it out on Niki...I shouldn't, she never deserves it. Just because I have no one else doesn't mean she shouldn't either. I should be happy she has friends, things to do, that the woman I love isn't miserable like me, but in the heat of the moment I never seem to see this. I make her feel like s**t and bring her to tears instead, I'm going to break her some day and then I'm going to be really alone. I'm terrified.
I don't know how to fix things. I cant make new friends magically appear, I cant force old friends to suddenly like me again. It's not that simple. I don't know what suddenly turned me from good friend to leper. I feel broken. It still hurts me, I think it will forever, until I find people to fill that void. I don't know. The only activity I've enjoyed these past four months has been talking to my girl, and she's calling. So Im done.